Doreen Lewis Blog

The Loss of Blogging Momentum

2012-01-19T21:21:00.002-05:00

Sigh

LOL at Thanksgiving.

2011-11-24T22:51:00.003-05:00

So my mom and sister were talking after T-giving dinner tonight... .they were pondering the cause of some medical condition. I said, "Why not just look it up?" and my mom says in all seriousness...

"Can't. I don't have one of them google machines."

"It's called the internet, mom"

We just all cracked up.

Thoughts Tonight...

2011-10-31T23:46:00.003-04:00

1. I think it's really cute that the UPS guy "hides" my bigass cardboard box that was delivered to my front door so robbers won't come take it. He puts my Welcome Mat over the top of the box. For sure, that will keep the thieves confused.

2. When did it become fashionable for young moms taking their babies trick-or-treating to dress up like sluts and collect candy for themselves in pillowcases? Isn't that a little wrong?

3. And just what is the cut-off age for kids trick-or-treating? I think if a boy has a full beard (his own - not a costume) he might be too old.

Not being critical.... Jussayin'

So How was your Halloween?

Seen on an orange Tee Shirt - A picture of a witch's hat. Saying: Finally! A Day I Can Be Myself.

Around NYC

2011-10-30T19:42:00.000-04:00

On Writing - The Future - The Results of My Trip to The Big Apple

2011-10-30T18:31:00.000-04:00

My trip to NYC October 13th to 16th was personal business with serious effort to get a book deal on my research that I completed for my PhD (I graduated August 31st, btw). It's called, The Love Survey, and is a quantitative study of couple's experiences in their romantic relationship that measured intimacy, passion, commitment and relationship satisfaction. It was a national study and I received over 1,000 surveys from all 50 states, from ages 18 - 70. Anyway... don't get me started or I'll talk too long about it. I do truly love the work I do. I really hoped that an agent or publisher would view my book idea as the next Hite Report (groundbreaking work in the late 70s). Alas, I didn't set NYC on fire and although I got good feedback from really VIP folks in the industry, I am like one of the American Idol contestents sent back to their farm in some small town. Sigh.

And so being away those days put be me wayyyy back on work and laundry and crap... so I've been trying to catch up, which is why I've not blogged... although I think about blogging everyday, wanting to do it.

New York was great. I met BLU (from the old AOL The Book Shelf chat room of a dozen years ago). My God... she is an icon and poster child for the all-together strong woman in corporate who has a suburbs gentle side to her, too. She's a great new friend. She is coming to visit and stay with me in January!

I also made a couple of dear friends who are now also trusted professional colleagues - a prosecuting attorney with a great book idea, and a comedian/filmmaker/writer talent who just sent me these photos of me she enhanced in Photoshop. I'll be pumping up their PR stuff here at my blog as their projects get rolling.

I will post some pics of the cool things I observed in NY in my next post.

For now... the dreams of writing a non-fiction as a PhD psychologist are just that... just dreams. I do have a manuscript under peer review with the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships and the publication also asked me to peer review an article by another scholar... so I know I'll be doing some academic work that I love.

Meanwhile, there is a ton of work to do in the day to day living... started a new semester teaching and working on two large marketing projects at the other job. So, in a sense, the trip to NY was kinda like a vacation... I had good food, great conversations with strangers who became friends... visited Central Park, Time Square, the Fashion District, and walked until my feet felt like they would fall off. Traveling alone wasn't so bad, either. I think I could do the city-girl thing!

I Have So Much About Which to Update You

2011-10-28T01:42:00.001-04:00

It is so fricken lunatic bizzy and I hate when I haven't had the luxury of time to indulge my blogging. There is so much to tell and I have a ton of pictures from NYC, but more than that... I am filled with unexpressed feelings about these past few weeks that I NEED to write for the catharic effect. Blogging is therapy to me in a lot of ways.

Although I will be working all weekend on some major projects, I will... INDEED, blog.

For now, however, I must sleep.

BRB soon.

D.

Doreen's Notes to Self - My Guitar Lessons

2011-10-09T15:28:00.000-04:00

Neil Young - Harvest Moon - LINK

Foster the People - Pumped Up Kicks - LINK

Boston - More Than a Feeling - LINK

Stones - Angie - LINK

Israel Kamakawiwo - Somewhere Over the Rainbow - LINK

These Vagabond Shoes

2011-09-30T01:06:00.000-04:00

Hey... Where is Blu? I think she's on my Facebook. I must find her. I'm going to NYC in a couple of weeks and I don't want to look like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz when I go there on business (Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more). Us Floridians get wigged out when we go to big cities and there's "wind" - so I need to consult the fashion queen of style on clothing and shit so I don't get "chilly" ... want to wear what's right for weather and to be totally appropriate. I need to look all New York Savvy... I'm pitching my psych research as a proposed book and will be meeting with some high falutin' agents and writers at a big meeting.

Although I've traveled solo many times on business, I'm always a little goosey in big cities and prefer to lay low. I just can't see me at a Broadway show alone, or a fancy restaurant alone, so I'm hoofing it around town and plan on living on slices of pizza and good old fashioned bagels or pretzels or hot dog stand meals... which in and of itself will all be good treats, but I shall miss the glitz that NYC has to offer. The hotels are excessively priced. The one where I need to be (Theater/Garment district) is $399 per night... so I am looking a ways farther to be price conscious. It's all very scientific and strategic to find the deals. Share info if you're familiar with the area.

So it's been a while since I've taken a flight. What's security like? I already know that Victoria Secret's Angel bras set off the security alarm, so I won't be wearing mine. (By that I mean I'll be wearing a different kind, not NOT wearing a bra at all). So it's $25 to check a bag on the flight? That's insane. I'll be carrying on a tote then, which I hate because because I'll be overstuffed, they are going to go through all my stuff because something stupid will appear in the XRay and there will surely be an explosion of clothes that never seem to fit back in a bag the second time you stick it all in again. Not to be negative... I just want to be prepared for smooth travels, travel light as I can and not have any problems.

So anyway... that's my bigass news and I'm kind of excited about it. I will be working pretty much all weekend on my proposal. I know my data intimately, and I have a concept for the book, just need to do the outline and have something prepared in case I'm asked for a written proposal. Meanwhile, I haven't heard anythign from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, where I'm trying to publish an academic paper... heard that takes three months. I'm hoping for a publishing contract which will position the book... if the book is picked up by a publisher.

Also this weekend: Kelly is coming home tomorrow from college and I'm having everyone over for dinner to catch up (sister's family, my mom). She hasn't been home in two weeks... I'm really glad she has found a connection with new friends. She made the cheerleading squad. She had to get a tutor for chemistry, but feels very good about her last test. All's good there. I'm hoping Kevin decides soon if he's going to join her at Eckerd, his plans are a little up in the air and a mother always worries.

Did I tell you I got feathers in my hair? It's the new "thing" here at hair salons... the feathers stay in like 3 months and you can use a straightener, wash them just like real hair. Yeah, I'm perpetually 16 years old... no seriously, my stylist said LOTS of old ladies are getting them. I have three of them. (Her name was lola, she was a showgirl With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there <-- Name that tune). That's all for now. Tell me what I need to know about traveling and New York.

Peaceful, Easy Feeling...

2011-09-17T10:04:00.004-04:00

This is nice. My house is clean (that's because the culprit for mess didn't come home from college this weekend - yes, I'm sad.... I miss my Kelly) and there is something so lovely, too, about the quiet and claiming this space all mine this weekend.

The Season of Fall has come to the northern states I keep hearing from friends who live there. In Florida, the subtle sign that it is September is that you don't drip sweat in the first minute you leave the indoors, it only takes now 7 minutes now to melt, so I know Autumn is near for us. So I celebrate this loveliness... gots me a cinnamon broom at the grocery store last night... I put it in the foyer and its scent brings me closer to times of past I now long for.... Fall. Football games on TV entirely too loud, a room full of happy people eating some great snack recipe I made and kids with friends in a house of happy. I am so glad I lived the American Dream and had my family for so many years... and I'm very happy where my life brings me now... different, quieter, alone... still good.

The semester ended yesterday of the class I was teaching. This weekend I shall grade finals. I have a large project for my marketing job, too. And I love the quiet work to do.

I haven't updated you guys.... I am Dr. Lewis now... My dissertation passed oral defense a couple of weeks ago and I just got my official transcript of completion of the PhD in Psychology. Will frame my diploma and hang it in my room. I chuckle.... big deal, heh. And nothing changes, I still am me and confetti didn't drop out of the sky to celebrate this feat I accomplished. Truth is, I'm a little frightened to NOT have the burden of studies (as my excuse to avoid social events, or why I didn't get some other task done because I was busy with school). God forbid I should rest a bit... So within one day of graduation, I began writing a journal article for the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, taking my 175 page dissertation and summarizing it in 39 pages, which, if accepted by the journal will likely shorten to about 20 pages.

I submitted my research (about which I am very proud). The Journal assigned me an editor (peer reviewer) to evaluate my research and deem it worthy of publishing. I was sent her name and I looked up her credentials. She is a Purdue grad, a professor, an author of numerous articles about my topic of research (love and commitment, passion, and intimacy) and a true scholar. I'm slightly intimidated as a new scholar and fear her editing comments will rip to shreds my life's work. But I think BAH! if that happens.... I will still be me. It's just that I long to do great things while I'm here on planet earth, and I think I can do that through research and writing, given my penchant and wishes for a world that has so much human potential.

I got me an HTC HD2 windows-platform phone. It is sexy and it makes my heart beat fast. I hate the Iphone, but I do like its form factor... the HTC is even cooler (kinda like a slate). I'm trying to learn SWYPE.... very cool method of texting. I gave up my Droid phone.... loved the apps very much, but for working my jobs, I prefer to have some of the Windows Business stuff to automate stuff. I'm a techno 'ho... I try to commit to a new phone for two years, but I never seem to go longer than a year without getting a bug up my ass for better technology. I might configure the phone for dual op systems to add Android (HD2 is the only phone capable of running two systems).

As I write this so happy and sweet, I knew it wouldn't be long lasting. The effing neighbor just fired up his LEAF BLOWER and I'm fricken annoyed. So now I'm not so peaceful and easy feelin'

So what's new with you?

Mine.

2011-08-30T21:18:00.002-04:00

Still buying fresh flowers regularly... never without a bouquet. Best thing a girl can do. Treat yourself! Know you are worth it... YOU are!

If Only I Were Cool....

2011-08-17T23:26:00.004-04:00

So I read my self-help books. You remember my earlier blog posts... "Stop Overreacting" etc.... the books about lightening up. Read a book.. be healed? It kind of reminds me of my mother who used to watch the Hawaiian guy on cable TV teach an exercise class (while she's sitting in her recliner sipping coffee, NOT exercising). Or, like the old Seinfeld episode when Jerry goes to get his rental car and there isn't one available ("Anyone can TAKE a reservation, it's KEEPING the reservation that counts).

Theory versus real world, I guess.

I wish I were a better actress… who lets shit roll off the back and smiles when she cries inside. I wish I could hold back when some passionate compelling thought begs to be spoken when really some things are better left unsaid or won’t matter in the long run. Choosing battles? All battles are good enough for me!

I wish I could refrain from teaching, pontificating, correcting and espousing what’s right and wrong, good and bad, when opportunity arises (often). I wish I could fade into the background and not be noticed. Why can’t I whisper or be coy? Why must I jump and run instead of sashaying?

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

Everything's Cool.

Relax! No Biggie!

And if you’re like me and you do care… if you get excited about things (good or bad)…. You’re just a freak like me.

Where do my kind live? Are you my people?

Signed,

A Dog playing with Cats

P.S. Check this out for inspiration: STEPHEN COVEY'S 90/10 PRINCIPLE

This Cracked Me Up

2011-07-19T00:33:00.000-04:00

The Life We're Intended to Lead...

2011-07-17T22:23:00.010-04:00

I'm working on a project for a friend. It involves typesetting a book with photos to self-publish... a book that was written by my friend's friend in her last year of life. Although the writer was sick, she was blessed with enough good days in her final year of the cancer to write with love of all her travels and fond memories, beginning with the earliest childhood experiences she could recall. Interestingly, she never completed the part of her life story from her cancer diagnosis (as if it were insignificant). And what a lovely celebration of a life to focus on the lived experiences, not dwell upon its ending. Her beloved life partner will treasure this book, and so will her friends and family. I have many hours left on the project... but it got me reflective.

This woman (and I did not personally know her) took every chance to live. When she met someone in another country and had a chance to go dirt bike riding, she seized it fearlessly. When she made friends at a bar, she'd go on a date with a guy she just met. These are examples of opportunities we may all be presented from time to time. Are you adventuresome? Would you just "go" and "do"?

I ponder a few times I engaged the unknown for a chance to experience. I was about 16 at the beach with my girlfriend and met a couple of guys who brought their Hobie Cat boat to the shore. They asked us if we'd like to go on the boat with them and we did. We ended up so fricken far from our spot on the beach, we got a little scared (I bet it was 25 miles)... so we asked them to take us back. They did. But I remember later telling my girlfriend that we were a bit stupid to run off like that... could have ended up dead, who knows. No I.D., just bikinis. Jesus. And really, since 16, I almost always made safer choices.

I traveled alot on business in the 90's. Just domestic. But I got to go to high end places like Scottsdale, AZ... Palm Springs, CA... and big cities like NYC and Indianapolis - with a corporate credit card and usually strapping handsome salesmen who looked out for me during the trips. Traveling at trade shows and being the marketing girl demonstrating products, meant lots of pick-ups. God, so many people f*ck around when they travel. I never did... and I had many times and enough wine in me I could've. But I staved it all off in favor room service if I didn't have a "group" dinner, and a good book I brought along on the trip. No regrets there. BUTTTT....

I could have gotten closer to the breath of the tigers in innocent ways... maybe engaged some interesting people -- sightseeing, dinner, and called it a night. I didn't ever want to give a message of availability, so even "just friends" type of approaches were rebuffed by me. Most of the women I ever traveled with thought I was crazy to miss opportunities to see and be seen as they all did. They were seasoned and cool. I was pretending to be seasoned and cool... and really very square.

I think if I were to write the story of my life, the pages of exciting travels and places and people would be mostly blank. And I ponder that with a tad bit of sadness. My stories would instead be of life lessons and things somewhat esoteric and philosophical... my observations, my contemplations, my angst, and my victories of the soul, the significance of children and love, and home and meaning of life -- perspective. I have lived more than half my life... and it has been a quest for knowledge and contributing in meaningful work, and of course, to love and give.

I'm sitting here wondering why I didn't go to Europe in college when it was offered... because something else called me here. I am sitting here wondering if putting all the money into my walls of home should have been disbursed into some business investments (there were plenty of chances)... or really risked some of the conservative employment choices I made when I had such an entreprenuial spirit and fearlessness back when. (as that song goes, "If I were a sculptor, but then again, No")

Maybe I should have ridden the Ferris Wheel instead of looking at the crotchedy old carney operating the ride and thinking it wasn't safe. Maybe I should have held myself out for greater things and not settled for safe.

And yet... being 46 (I think of myself as a young 46, perhaps even "stunted" for my youth was lost so early to work and home so early).... maybe there is still hope for me?

I probably sound like a classic case of midlife crisis.

There is so much stuff inside of me. So much passion and zeal and ambition. And I am frustrated.

My question for you is one you've seen before: If you knew you could not fail, what is it you would do?

Tell me.

And if you could look into a crystal ball and see your future.... what does it show you?

Are you hopeful?

Did you miss the boat?

Any regrets?

Discuss.

xoxoxo

Hi.

2011-07-05T08:57:00.002-04:00

Blog duldroms. Does anyone read this?

I've been focused on other things and blogging fell by the wayside.

1) Started teaching a college class, Human Growth & Development, at Rasmussen College for the next 11 weeks. It's half online and 2 hours a week in the classroom.
2) Volunteer Work - Doing my Homeowner's Association Website
3) Done with my PhD dissertation (awaiting defense conference scheduling - I'm ready!)
4) Rewriting Dissertation (170 pages) to a small journal article (about 25 pages) to publish... targeting The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships and also preparing a book proposal (need to find an agent).
5) Kevin is back home from Canada and I've been cooking meals every day.
6) Cleaning closets and using SPACE BAGS (as seen on TV) to freeze dry winter clothes and fat clothes and store neatly.
7) Decided I absolutely HATE shopping crowds and am now ordering all my dry foods, cleaning items, kitchen stuff that isn't produce or meat ONLINE delivered (walmart.com, Amazon Grocery, etc.). I'm only going to Save-a-lot for produce & cold items. It's working out great!
8) Reading lots... Love the Kindle. Further to earlier blogging... definitely working on issues of impatience and bad behaviors!

What's up with you?

Lastest Books I'm Reading. Heh.

2011-06-12T08:40:00.005-04:00

Amazon Link for Reviews & Purchase Information

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

A marriage and family therapist, and associate professor at NYU's Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, Siegel became interested in neurobiology, the connection between the brain and emotions, when she saw first-hand the self-destructive impact of overreactions on not only those who suffer them, but on their family, friends, and co-workers as well. Using extensive research, poignant and identifiable case studies from her own 30 years of clinical experience, and pointed inquiries and exercises, Siegel painstakingly examines the why and how of overreacting. Since "mind and body, present and past are all parts of the puzzle that make up an emotional overreaction," the memories and defenses we have assembled since childhood, coupled with the way our parents dealt with problems and handled stress, help determine whether we "cry, rage, withdraw or become deeply pessimistic" when pushed to react. With analysis for understanding what triggers these behaviors, chapters that tackle stressful home and workplace situations, and methods for challenging old emotional memories and harmful family myths or expectations, Siegel's call to action will help overreactors, and anyone who suffers them, to stop.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Description

When you are criticized or rejected, do you have a tendency to lash out or withdraw entirely? Both types of knee-jerk reactions can have lasting and unintended consequences, affecting our friendships, careers, families, and romantic relationships. The truth is, overreacting hurts us as much as it hurts the people around us. You may see overreacting as an unchangeable part of your personality, but in reality, this tendency, like any other, can be unlearned.

Stop Overreacting helps you identify your emotional triggers, discover a new way of processing impulsive thoughts and feelings, and understand how your emotions can undermine your ability to think rationally in moments of crisis and stress. You'll learn how to neutralize overwhelming emotions and choose healthy responses instead of flying off the handle. Ready to make a change for the better? It's time to stop overreacting and start feeling collected and in control.

Stop Overreacting is a valuable guidebook for navigating the basic struggles of our emotional world.

--Beth Jacobs, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Writing for Emotional Balance

Link to Relationship Book

Relationship Saboteurs is an easy-to-follow guide that will help you identify and end your relationship-destroying tendencies once and for all. The book explores the ten most common relationship-undermining behaviors and shows you how to overcome them. By understanding and addressing the patterns that erode romance, you can learn to stop sabotaging your love life and prepare yourself for the healthy romantic relationship you deserve.

* Learn to overcome these toxic emotions and behaviors: Insecurity
* Needing to control
* Fear of intimacy
* Needing to win
* Pessimism
* Needing to be center stage
* Addictions
* Martyrdom
* Defensiveness
* Breaking trust

Confessions of a Hard-Headed Woman

2011-06-10T21:37:00.007-04:00

Beloved Friends,

I need your help.

I'm an equal opportunity OFFENDER. That means anyone in my path is subject to my abusive ways. I'm not sure if this ugliness about me comes through my blogging (does it?)... I'm aware of my persona, I think, but I guess I need to be MORE aware and start caring a little more.

OK, so... someone I love told me I have to "lighten up". I take things too seriously, get mad over little things, I leave dead bodies strewn about the landscape with verbal attacks when I am criticized. Every issue is important to me and I'm always ready for a fight or a debate. Things are often about ME and not about US (whoever "us" may be) and being right always takes precedence over getting along with others.

I think pretty much that sums up the truth about me. It's not hard to get a rise out of me. Just wind me up. You'll get fists. Scowls... fast reaction and a quick wit to return verbally what comes at me.

Some would say it's an insecurity of sorts. Oh bother... who the hell isn't insecure (<--see! There it is again! The "attitude" coming out again)

I'm well aware that this character trait about me doesn't mesh well with the peace & harmony agenda of Planet Earth, which of course permeates business, personal relationships, dealings with the public -- pretty much all of daily living.

I know I can't "buy" a sense of humor and light heartedness (cuz if I could I would). I do wish there was a reform school for people like me.... hardheaded women. I first noticed my evil ways in business when I would come up against opposition about something in which I believed was right and good. Rules of decorum were usually broken and sometimes even with some sick glee inside of me.

If things are going too smoothly in any aspect of life... well, you can count on me to stir the pot and create chaos, where I emerge on some journey of corrective action... leading the pack into new ways.

I'm sure this is all very psychological... but for now, let's not go through a review of my effed-up childhood or significant life events to find what went wrong in my early years to make me such a freak. Suffice it to say, I'd like to NOT psychoanalyze this and instead, find some coping mechanisms and new habits and approaches to every day living. I would like a FAST-TRACK to improved behavior.

I need advice.

For example, when I am at a restaurant and I need a napkin and the waiter is no where in sight, I'm the type of person to jump up, go behind a counter or in the kitchen (employees only area) and get what I need. This makes people with me a little nervous, which I understand... I'm jussayin, this is what's wrong and the very types of behavior that need to be softened. They are habits and they are deeply ingrained.

I kinda yell, too.

I think hanging up the phone as appropriate action when someone says something I don't like.
Or saying "F you," when someone is rude (which I realize "f you" is also quite rude). But that isn't nice to say to mother, so to speak. Or a boss, or a clerk at the gas station.

Charm school for grownups?

A book about finding peace and humor?

Googling the key phrase, "how to lighten up"?

Any suggestions?

Sigh.

Signed,

Chuckles the Clown

I'm Going to Blog That!

2011-06-06T18:59:00.003-04:00

Sometimes things seem worthy of repeat --- let's call them "bloggable things".

I said something that elicited a surprised reaction from someone.

What's funny is the response to it was, "Well smack my ass and call me Sally".

That amused the hell out of me. Not exactly a new phrase, but new enough to me. I'm adding this to my repetoire of speech. (Yes, it's funnier if a GUY says it, but still.) I've been told that replacing "Sally" with "Judy" also works. And that made me laugh hard, too...

Ya got any favorite amusing one liners? Tell me some.

Thoughts from a Contemplative State of Mind....

2011-06-06T10:03:00.004-04:00

I know. I haven't blogged. You let me know. I have been writing. Just not here.

Checked a few boxes of things done these past few weeks: I completed my dissertation. I await the scheduling for defense of my research. I'm considering walking the graduation ceremony (will require travel) to receive my doctorate degree... This would be a quiet, solo celebration that I just may want to indulge... my research has been my lover for quite a number of years... my life's work. It's a personal goal achieved and I feel it through me with great passion.

I've been working on home improvements... new plantation shutters, herb garden, new lawn.

I have been intensely involved with Kelly's high school graduation, prom, award ceremonies, and college preparations. She's moving on campus in early August. Another transition in the household.

I've been very close with friends in transition lately... have even gone out for girls night, etc. Entertained in the home, etc. Feeling socially engaged and alive in it right now.

I'm in a state of contemplation... a good place, actually.

I am open, full of joy, aspiring, excited about many potential things to come. My world feels rich with relationships I nurture. Hmmmm and I don't know why, but for once, I feel some of the good things I put out there are beginning to flow back to me in kind. It kinda gives me pause... and at the same time scares me.

Why is so hard to accept love and goodness when it comes one's way? It's so easy to give, but to receive, it's just so humbling...

So that's the short of the news these days... I will write longer the way I usually do... soon.

How are you? I am on Facebook by the way... lots of pictures always get posted there.

Was this planned?

2011-05-15T23:59:00.000-04:00

Springtime - What's Cookin' Here

2011-05-03T11:27:00.005-04:00

So, I got my usual Springtime bug-up-my-butt burst of energy and desire to make things nice. So.. Here are a few pics of my new lawn, new flooring (shown is Kev's room)... And as a cheap alternative to real curtains or shades, I bought a roll of bamboo reed fencing in the garden department of Home Depot ($23) and hung the fence up with a bunch of nails to block the Florida sun. AND, I've been using my new grill... last night's chicken came out great, but takes a long time to cook. Having fun.

Bucket List Item #25 Checked Off Today

2011-04-30T21:46:00.005-04:00

Learning to cook on a grill is on my bucket list.

So today I bought myself a gas grill. Then I stopped at the store and got some NY strip steaks and baking potatos and fresh corn on the cob and mushrooms and salad fixings. And I invited over my sister and her daughter and my Kelly was here. And I called my ex to ask if he'd show me how to grill and come to dinner. And he came, and I learned. And we listened to Jimmy Buffet and we talked, and we laughed like old times. And I had fun.

But then I got sad, for things that used to be but are no more...

And I think I drank too much wine for my head hurts. So I'm going to lay down now and put something on the TV that is fun and stupid. But I wanted to blog first and post these pictures.

The end.

Me & My Hula Hoop

2011-04-25T23:29:00.003-04:00

My daughter is a hulahoop champion. And I am not.

Today, just for fun, I brought home two hulahoops for us and I gave it a whirl, taking tips from the champ. And again and again I hooped it, because I can't sustain it for very long. And when I became a sweaty mess, huffing and puffing, and complaining all the while (even through the laughter)... I decided I am going to practice and BECOME the world's oldest and greatest hulahooper in my podunk town.

... because this is what a person does when she loses her mind and reverts to childhood. This is what a person does to take out stress, and because being a responsible grown-up just gets a little boring sometimes.

That's what's new here.

Sunday.

2011-04-17T15:30:00.003-04:00

Today is Palm Sunday. Today is also my father's birthday. Here's a pic of him circa 1980 as I best remember him. He would have turned 69 if he lived. I miss him greatly and fondly remember the last Palm Sunday we had together in 2001, two months before he passed.

Daddy loved Sundays. "A day of rest," he called it.

I remember I used to say to him, "How can you just SIT there and lounge around all day long like that?"

He'd say, "Happiness is the absence of unhappiness."

He was a gentle, peaceful loving man who knew how to connect with hearts of all. He'd say, "I can hang with the princes or the paupers," and he still would find comaradarie among all. I miss him hugely. And if I weren't so stubborn, I'd honor him this day and REST instead of work.

Is Sunday YOUR day of rest? Blessings on Palm Sunday to you!

Indifference... It's a Bad, Bad Word

2011-04-15T21:14:00.003-04:00

Do not make me join the ranks of the jaded who no longer care. I loathe the shoulder-shruggers of the world.. the followers whose lazy brains do not invent or feel. Those who dummy down, who numb their pain thereby numbing the joy, who deny really living because of the risk, who refuse to fight, who would rather snooze than live in the moment.

Stand up for something! Right or wrong, no matter…. FEEL it, become it, DECIDE dammit. Even the bible has something in it about being neither hot or cold. To be just lukewarm is to be unworthy and to be spit out.

I would rather be disliked, labeled difficult, ALONE in my room, than give up.

I have chosen wrong battles often... and for the majority of the time, I have lost them. But I will not be defeated!

I care!

Somewhere... there is a place for me where I am welcome.

My Passionate Message about Emotions.

2011-04-10T15:16:00.009-04:00

"You're too emotional."

"Big boys don't cry."

"I'm not going to deal with you if you're going to cry."

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Somewhere in our youth, or maybe long ago in history, it was decided by some important people and became a social norm that displays of emotions are bad. BAD! Ya hear me? And so... we grow from innocence of childhood (in which all our feelings are unfiltered and openly expressed) into "grownups" who stifle it. And we survive and we bear pain and we bravely go through life denying much of what lies underneath. And as we do this, so comes along little tiny ramifications from that... oh, little things, like alcoholism, bitterness and anger, sarcasm, cancer, headaches, etc. etc.

This is a blog post that proposes a kinder, gentler view.

When we laugh, I mean really crack up, nobody points a finger and goes... "Oh my God, your laughter is interrupting this conversation.. stop it and pull yourself together!" Usually, we welcome such display of emotion and pause while someone collects themself from the giggles and we don't judge. Contrast that... if a friend is telling a story that has a sad part, say, they ran over a turtle in the road and killed it on their way to work... and a few tears drop... you can usually deal with that discomfort, but even so, it is LESS accepted than the laughter scenario. Too raw! We don't like to see people in pain because it affects our sense of balance.... so we tend to try to make it better. We don't want it!

Another scenario... let's say you are arguing with someone or hurt and you need to tell the other person how you feel. Crying or negative emotion is often met with rejection, judging, and refusal to face it. And so many times, people just forgo even trying to communicate, they shut down. And a vicious cycle ensues of repressing and suffering alone. Or maybe you end up on the counselor's couch or at a friend's house with a glass of wine -- a safe place to express emotion where someone will listen and care. Counselors and best friends know that tears are like laughter through a conversation, let it roll out, and sometimes it clears up one or two sentences later.

I had an intellectual debate the other night over drinks with friends. Someone said we choose our emotions... that we decide our view on something and whether to be sad or not. While it's true we can psych ourselves out to modify feelings, the truth is that they are either simple or complex physiological responses that we do NOT control. Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are.

The dictionary says this to defin EMOTION: 1.A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling [dictionary.com]

I know many of you have a sense of who I am from my many years of blogging. I am an emotional individual who is very much in touch with the inner world. Some would describe me as "wearing my heart on my sleeve" - I'm a pretty easy read as to how I'm feeling - very open. Although sometimes I am often perceived by others as emotionally "fragile," such is not the case. Just because you freely express what's inside in all honesty does not mean you don't have control. It means you are less inhibited than others to show what is inside of you to the outside world.

I believe that relationships would be enriched by the release of feelings, more sharing, and an openness that encourages emotional display rather than concealment and control. Truth is exposed by sharing. Compassion is learned when we witness another's pain. Love should be active and rich with expression of ALL things.. the good, the bad, even the ugly. And raw, deeply-felt emotion is truly an indicator of individual or relationship wellness. It is a guiding force. We should explore our own feelings daily (meditatively) and use them to help us to making life changes when things aren't in balance.

Emotions are universal. Everybody feels. And we feel regardless of age, socioeconomics, or any demographic that separates us. Then why deny what is real? And yet our culture discourages. It seems to me it is a more difficult life experience to be "emotional" than stoic. You put yourself out there and there is less compassion and understanding than should be in the world.

But despite the harder road taken... I cannot imagine a different existence than the authentic one, the emotional one, the communicative one that has hope for human connection, compassion, and love. Honest, true, in touch. Can you imagine a world in the future if we embraced this idea wholly as a human race?

That's what I say.

Don't Drink and Grocery Shop...

2011-04-03T19:47:00.005-04:00

...unless you really want to. Fresh peach carnations. Mango nail polish. Whisper pink lip gloss. Women's magazines. A bigass jar of Noxema.

I just got back from Winn-Dixie. I had had two glasses of merlot right beforehand. I went in for a gallon of milk... came out with these other things. But it is good.

My friend Peggy taught me some things I never learned in life. I learned by watching... just by the way she leads her life. If you go to her house, she always has fresh flowers.

I used to whine that there are some girls who get flowers and others who don't (me).... but not any more. Peggy gave me proverbial "permission" to buy myself a bouquet and not just on special occasions, but WEEKLY! And I do! And it makes me so very happy.

Every girl should have a Peggy in their life... a real "lady" girlfriend... someone feminine and indulgent a bit in nice things. There are things to learn from them. It is easy to forget your charm... just throw your hair in a ponytail and go... sans make-up... unmatched shoes. I remember one time I was wearing some slip on flat moccasins with shorts and Peggy said, "Don't you ever wear those again... put on a sandal with a little heel. Be pretty!"

If you're a girl, do you have someone in your life who makes you accountable to be good to you? Do you have a Peggy?

Now I am having coffee and blogging. This month's issue of Southern Living beckons. Maybe there is an episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County on tonight.

I worked hard this past week. In fact, I am on the final chapter of my dissertation (analysis of results) and put together a statistical analysis and wrote 12 pages. It is time to rest now. I earned it.

And I'm going to call Peggy and just listen. She always has fun stories to tell me.

Sufficiently Numb

2011-03-19T21:48:00.004-04:00

Cabernet Sauvignon.

I realize indulgence doesn't make the world weariness go away, but I'm quite adequately in the zone of not giving much of a flip finally. Finally.

So I wish you were here. I have so much to say and I care to listen too.

Inspire me... about what things shall I blog? What do you want to know? I'll tell ya anything. Just ask.... Or, tell me your stuff. Spew, gloat, whaddever. We're friends... you can say anything.

A Fun Time

2011-03-15T22:00:00.003-04:00

A while ago I posted a blog entry entitled "Excessive Rate" which gives the backstory to the fact that whenever I write a check, I write something off color in the memo section of it.

I was just looking at my checkbook online and had to laugh… I noticed a deduction and couldn’t remember what that was.. til I clicked on it to open up the actual check image. It was the $1,200 check I’d written to Community Hospital at 4:45 A.M. on the day of surgery. I don’t even remember writing the damn thing… but in the “memo” space at the bottom left of the check, I had written “a fun time”. I just crack myself up!

Even funnier… Someone at the hospital crossed out my “memo” and wrote my account number over the top of “a fun time”.

Don’t they have any sense of humor whatsoever???

The Ant Theory -- Revisited.

2011-03-09T08:58:00.009-05:00

So I haven't blogged recently. I've sat down here and started a few entries and ended up abandoning them, thinking often... who cares about what I'm writing? And who is my audience REALLY? And I often wonder if I'm writing TO you or FOR you (to entertain, share, etc.) or FOR me (to purge, to seek counsel, to just be human and express for the sake of it)... It's probably all of those reasons. I write -- therefore, I am.

Isn't it kind of egocentric to blog, generally speaking? As if I have something to say that really matters? Something so intimate out there on a public forum... I guess I feel somewhat courageous that I am willing to expose my humanness in hopes someone reading this finds connection. But is that a haughty thought? Maybe... but sincerely, I'm all about making human connection and I can be my own worst enemy in that regard.

Lately, I've been pondering the concept of public persona versus authentic self. You know, there really is a difference and if you don't agree, I would bet that you are living in the "public self" zone most of the time and not taking the time to explore the complexities of the inner life experience... which is my "home" and most comfortable place to be, albeit alone. But as a generation of multi-taskers, it's not not a hard thing for us to avoid what's inside us... you can run run run doing all kinds of activities and keep your mind from its quiet place of just being... and forget who it is that you really are. You can forget who is important in your world and you can forget to nourish them... and nourish yourself, too.

Pause.

Sigh. Most of us find discomfort in human connection that is intimate. Yet it is a basic human need... it really is. So.. even through fear. I say this: I want to know the kind of people who will "go there" with me... share in the quiet, in a free space to be whatever -- just OK with the challenges of life and feeling the pains and joys with equal amounts of passion. A song of that desire and THAT kind of friendship is HERE . I heard it for the first time yesterday even though it's a few years old and it made me realize something missing of great depth in the world. If you have a support system... you are truly blessed. Anyway. Sigh. I pushed away so many friends when I had surgery because I'm such a tough old broad who doesn't NEED anyone or anything. Pfft... Full of myself.

Feeling my hands are in fists... fighting recovery. Losing a sense that anything much matters or will matter in ten years. Today, I'm writing down some goals to de-funkify myself of these feelings and regain a sense of power.

Recently I have been bogged down with a great deal of activity -- doing for others, events, meetings, work projects. (I will blog about my college visit with Kelly to Eckerd College soon... it was terrific). Anyway, I haven't indulged in the quiet as much as I need, which I indeed miss.... This post-op situation has played a tremendous role in that... I collapse into bed for sleep and get myself so ill from overdoing it, I can't even think. (Recovery is going fairly well... I just don't like not being my best physcially right now). That said, in this flurry of activity, I am thinking of all that now... kind of like an "experiment"... asking myself, "What is happening here," as I just go, go, go and don't stop and reflect... All of life is like that... experiment after experiment, seeing if you change behavior what different outcomes emerge. Oh, I have some thoughts about it all. It makes me sad that we fill our lives with so much to do and each day blends into another. Months pass. We are a hamster on a wheel... Jesus, can't we just make it all stop?

I'm so damn tired! Maybe I need a vacation... and then I think what a hefty amount of money to take the time to be basking in the sun like a lounge lizard and it's just a temporary fix or escape. You go back to work with double the load, so is that really relief?

Anyway... And they say life isn't about being happy... it's about endurance and weathering the trials with your personal best... attitude, gaining wisdom.... and becoming.

OK.. will end this on a positive note...

Today, I choose my mood... and tackle this day with good attitude.

I'm blogging. I'm back! And how are you?

Post-Op Reflections.

2011-02-17T08:28:00.004-05:00

I survived. I won't give you the hairy scary details and bore you to death, but here's a summary of some of my "take-aways" from this experience...

Good nurses make all the difference. Jesus, what a hard job that must be.
You find out who loves you (and who doesn't give a shit) when you are going through something like this. And the answers are not what you thought.
Heroic acts by friends far and near come in small packages and are often tiny acts of kindness.
By comparison (this being my first surgery)... I learned it is harder (for me) to be a loved one of someone having surgery than being the one getting the surgery.
Physical pain isn't nearly as bad as fear, in and of itself
Peeing is special... especially after not being able to do so.
Chihuahuas are easily offended when you don't let them pounce on your belly
Emails can wait.

So these are my thoughts for the day. I have a follow-up doc visit at 1:00 today. That's the news.

Hudson researcher puts Cupid in her sights - St. Petersburg Times

2011-02-10T19:13:00.002-05:00

Hudson researcher puts Cupid in her sights - St. Petersburg Times

This is an interview I did last week. The article is online at the St. Petersburg Times' website and in print tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to Me.... 46 Years Old

2011-02-10T01:23:00.002-05:00

First, in response to your comments to blog entry about Seeking the Quiet, my post earlier this week.... thanks for the kind words and the funny ones, too. It always fascinates that those who are in touch with my writing/ramblings seem to recognize the cyclical nature of my emotional side in tune with the tides and life cycle of a woman. For those concerned that you will miss the ramblings of a whore-moanal woman.... fret not, for as I understand it from my doctor, in a hysterectomy in which the ovaries are left intact, that all stays. So, things shouldn't change terribly after my surgery on Monday. I'm all set and cleared for the operation.

Today is my birthday... it is not a milestone birthday other than I am on the closer side to 50 now instead of 40, and that's notable, I suppose. Will be layin' low at home, choosing a quiet celebration.

Hey.... some great news to share! Kelly got accepted to Eckerd College! She is entering the pre dental program in the fall. I am very proud and we have much to which look forward.

More later....

Do You Seek the Quiet?

2011-02-06T14:57:00.007-05:00

Do you welcome solitude... time alone to allow what's inside of you to surface? Or, in constrast, do you create or engage the world so full of opportunities, overscheduled and chaotic? If things are going well, do you cherish the chance to rest when nobody is demanding? Or do you instead stir up the things and people around you to create more activity, seeking greater stimulation and opportunities?

Does activity enliven you? Or do you feel "at home" in the spirit of quiet where you can just be? Whatever your preference, it may not be known to those closest to you. Sometimes the busiest people actually NEED and thrive on the quiet... like I do. Appearances aren't always what they seem... A person who is gregarious and seemingly extroverted may wear that mask because his or her job requires it, people expect that, etc. Oh I am so good at playing parts in my world. But that is not the real me, where I am most comfortable.

And then there is now... in the quiet. My music, my beloved blog, the freedom to be without having to be "something" or "someone"... a place of acceptance and flow, without judgment. And just enjoying this wholesome feeling of being OK with me. Anything goes.

My mind is on fire with so many thoughts and dreams and creativity. To some, it seems indulgence to engage the quiet. I hear so often that I need to just "go" "do" "live it" and don't question, inquire, or analyze. Time spent "just thinking" doesn't produce measurable outcomes, some say - like folded laundry, or memos that need sending, or a crowd of people watching a football game eating chips and dip, or any tangible thing. That's what they all say...

Oh they do not know the beauty of the quiet.. or what "MY" quiet means to me. I indulge for a time before a superbowl party this evening. I long for this. Time feels stolen and all mine, sneakily divine when I know I should be grading papers or sorting the hamper contents. I am alone. I am in the quiet... and sometimes I think this old familiar place (my imagination) is somehow going to spark solutions and awakenings, but that rarely ever happens, except sometimes it does. But today, right now... I just want to listen to lyrics and instruments and feel OK against the tide of a world that often feels so oppositional.

I am prayful today. In that way, my sadness rises. I don't understand the sadness and why lately it is everpresent within me. It is an energy, but it isn't bad. It isn't a bad thing... it is gentle and real and guiding. I am focused. I am in touch but not necessarily related to things ever so important. I know I want to find meaning in things not right around me. I am inspired through the sadness. I welcome whatever it is to try to understand it and work through it. Today, I can't put my finger on any one thing.

Sleepy, dreamy, contemplative, open.

Do not dismiss the quiet as a place to avoid.

Take off your shoes. Why do people wear shoes in the house? If it's cold, then slippers. If not, barefeet. Be comfortable. Coffee or tea isn't just for the morning, it's great like now.. after 3:00. Rest. Sleeeeeep.... poppies.

Do you have someone in your life with whom you can lay on a bed and both look up at the celing and just talk... or not talk... talk about nothing, just be in the quiet, hearts aligned, reveling in life experience without drama or activity, simply the relationship? Why can't we have more of this in our world?

Something about Sundays seem to give us permission to be in the quiet. End of the week and a day of rest... even God said it. Decades ago, no stores were open on Sundays... not grocery stores, not the mall... we were forced to stay home. Some of us remember... some of us practice a day of rest or at least a few hours.

Soon I will flurry about my room to put on make up and go to a party, but these last precious moments of quiet I claim for only me.

I hope you'll find some quiet for you and realize its beauty. Don't be fast to dismiss its value to the wholeness of living.

The Power of Vulnerability

2011-01-31T14:27:00.001-05:00

On My Upcoming Hystectomy: The Mental Side of Facing a Major Surgery

2011-01-31T12:03:00.005-05:00

When you're clinking glasses of champagne to celebrate Valentines Day in two weeks, I'll either be dead or in a fetal position post-op. I'm having a hysterectomy on February 14th.

These days, such a surgery is done laparoscopically as "day surgery". In and out, wham, bam. The uterus is being removed. I am having this done on a Monday and should be good in day or two to return to work (just have to be careful lifting and stuff). You pop a pain killer and keep on keepin' on.

OK, so... I'm totally confident in the medical procedure, unafraid of the pain, and willing to go through it all. What I didn't expect to happen is a thought-process so profound, I can't see straight.

I guess when people are facing surgery, the mind naturally considers the "what ifs" of something going wrong... and the need for a living will, a Last Will & Testament, and what would become of children in the worst case scenario. I'm working on this stuff today. Additionally, when one considers surgery, they think about getting things "in order" before the day. I mean, I've so much worried about leaving behind a messy desk, the fact that I haven't cleaned out my closet, where to stash my damn vibrator so that my mother doesn't find it should I die. What would she think of me? What crap lies in my computer... some babble journal writings of a mad, mad woman. And all this education gone to hell... Geez, what's it all for?

And then there's the deeper conflicting feelings... do I have my priorities in place? Am I living life fully? Am I a good enough person? Am I gonna go to hell for all the sins I've made?

Perhaps most profoundly: Who is here around me who gives a shit in my life? Oh, God, that thought brings me to my knees in careful assessment about mattering in the world. (see my earlier postings on "The Ant Theory").

It's all so stupid -- this cruel world.

Suddenly, I have never before in my life felt so very alone and unloved. I do not have a hand to hold. And to lean on friends or my mom or sister or kids seems reaching, for in all my relationships, I feel so much more "the giver" than ever "needing". I do not want to impose on anyone. Not just today, but EVER. I do not like to be down. My ego is the size of Minnesota.

I am getting older... I know that we all are, but shit... I live inside of me and right now "it's all about me" and for GOD SAKE... I feel defective.

And please.... will the world let me have an effing breakdown today and leave me the eff alone for a moment?

Trying to keep it all together, I am

Yours Truly in all my Wackadoodleness,

Me. Only Me...

Recipe for Biscuit Bowls

2011-01-29T14:42:00.003-05:00

Maybe you've seen at restaurants "biscuit bowls"... sometimes an egg casserole, or chicken & gravy? Here's a picture of what one looks like. I wanted to make these and found a secret to making the bowls with a Paula Dean video (posted below). Thought I'd share! I'm making these bowls right now and am making a tomato and chicken herb meal to serve inside the bowls I'm making...

The Fantasy of Designing a Perfect Mate

2011-01-27T22:19:00.006-05:00

Remember the song by Savage Garden, I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You? The lyrics were... "I think I dreamed you into life..." Have you fantasized about the perfect partner? I mean, of course, those of you who haven't already found him or her. For those of you who already found your best friend, is he/she an icon of things you once dreamed of? Was it intuition? What is or was that magic that made/makes it all happen? Is it a God thing?

I played with an idea today… If I were starting out fresh & new…. Alone and without a man, I pondered what qualities I would seek. Such things would be grandly different today than say, when I was a young girl with stars in her eyes. I often kid about the sweet love and the early years of Mark and me... I always say.. "at 17 years old... we both liked Budweiser and U2.. a perfect match!" Sigh... so innocent.

Here are some things I thought of for NOW as a woman of greater substance and who would be unwilling to settle for less than a "best friend" to call a lover any time soon:

He would be a man of great experience and wisdom, who’d weathered a number of storms in his life and evolved to be philosophical (as opposed to a victim of life’s evils) with stories to tell. He would be a man of tremendous strength of conviction and in many aspects… unwavering in his beliefs on important issues, even if those were opposing to my own beliefs.

He would be infused with testosterone and have an insatiable appetite for things sexual… kinky and weird, but able to curb it in favor of monogamy with me. He would have only eyes for me, dwell upon my every subtle movement and ways (obsessively, preferred).

He would call me out on things awry or wrong and insist on the highest standards for me, even if he had to insult me to gain my attention to be a better person. He would listen to my high standards, too... be impressionable and open to things I feel and say, willing to try new things or see things “another” way… often “my way”. He would be unafraid of change and instead welcome it and want to become an evolved spirit always on a path to self-improvement.

He would be ageless, able to relate to all peoples of race, culture, and age and find among all peoples something in common that is positive. He would be cultured and educated. He would be logical and calculating and bring to me aid in problem-solving in foggy areas of my own world.

He would be a flawed character… someone who cannot see straight in certain areas of his life… these would areas of my strength and competency that I could give to him. And he would take my hand and allow me to be helper and supporter. He would lean on me and never feel less a man for in giving over power to a woman in certain aspects… instead, he would be secure in his own masculinity to be weak and in need, knowing he can be stronger with “two” instead of “one” as his spiritual source. He would be bravely humble despite a big head in ordinary day activities… in private, he would be submissive to God and his lowly position as “human” knowing something greater is a force so awesome. And he would speak of such wonderment and share with me the privacy of connection with the universe through our unique love. He would lay upon my lap to seek refuge and acceptance when the world troubled him, and yet… when the tables turn.. he would be my father figure and hold me like a baby to comfort my troubled soul.

He would be a brat and a monster because he is filled with passion and such a thing has its shadow-side… but he would be unafraid to reveal such emotion to me. He would trust me that he could expose all facets of himself in complete appreciation and acceptance by me. He would know that there are no mistakes and that everlasting forgiveness is given no matter whatever befell our relationship… he would know to his core I would never deny him or leave him. He would be sure enough of me to lay his life on the line and entrust to me. The man perfect for me is not at all a perfect person… he is completely flawed, and he loves himself no matter. He stands in the fire and seeks truth.

And he would accept my wackadoodleness... from PMS and emotional outbursts to occasional depths of despair.. and he'd care and not criticize, but help me find peace when I am "over the top".

The man I could love with all of me is a child… who likes to play and roughhouse and make up games and tickle and laugh. He isn’t too stuffy to run in the rain or do something reckless “just because”… he can put behind him all his responsibilities and really live in the moment. And he can buy into my arrangements for childlikeness, AND he can create a playground of his own making with the power to recruit me to want to engage in his own ideas for adventure.

The man I love need not be wealthy or of material things, but he is resourceful and conscientious and wants to make sure I am fed, warm, and happy. He assumes responsibility even when it is not required, even if he is met with polite refusal (because I'm stubborn and "don't need no help")… he fights to be a helper when he sees I need help.

The man I want to love me knows my heart and forgives me for my many, many flaws. He sees me as beautiful, despite weight or age or other physical imperfections. He sees my soul and my finer qualities and these things light his fire, brighten his world, nourish him… he flourishes because of my goodness and he overlooks anything anyone else might judge as “bad”.

The man I would/could/want to love chooses our love above all things, and even when competing priorities surface, such as work or children or other responsibilities, he may have to tend to other life matters, but it is clear where I stand and if push ever came to shove, he would protect me and us and never falter in such loyalty. He has my back! Likewise, he would trust that he is number one in my world, even though I love my children or have things to protect or care for… he knows my heart is his and that love is foremost in so many unspoken ways.

The man I would/could/want to love is complex and real… he is beautiful and full of life. There need not be exciting surroundings or events for us to engage.. there is utter satisfaction in just “being”… the kind of a summer day experience in which there is comfort in simplicity such as a warm breeze and a kiss, sitting on sand or a bench.

Sigh...

This is why I write romance novels.

Getting My Groove On...

2011-01-24T19:52:00.003-05:00

This is kinda old news (few weeks), but I wanted to reflect a minute....

I recently indulged in an evening of comedic entertainment and saw stand-up comic, Jerry Seinfeld, at the performing arts theater. I've followed Jerry as a comedian long before his show, Seinfeld, was a hit in the 1990s. He's age 56 now and a bit crotchety in mid-life, married w/kids, and funnier than ever. He did a hilarious piece on cell phones... making fun of our dependence on it. He spoke about the realities of family and marriage, on aging, on the ordinary life annoyances we all feel but with such a humorous spin. And, I took my daughter to the event -- her first ever live comedy performance, which made a memory I know she will remember. $84 bucks a ticket... can't do things like this all the time, but I cannot begin to tell you how NICE it is to GO OUT like that.

I suddenly want to get dressed up and messed up and live a little. This stay at home workaholic and academic geek is feeling connected to things outside herself and while I'm not sure to what I can attribute this new outlook... I like it a whole lot. Feeling social, playful, easy-going.

I'm fun again!

General Life Updates.

2011-01-16T09:44:00.006-05:00

Hi all. How is your New Year going? Very very bizzy these days.

Business Stuff...

I am teaching Human Growth & Development this semester. It's a new course and my first time teaching it, so I've been busy setting up lessons plans and getting lectures prepared. Grading my first submissions from the 35 students I have. This is, by far, the most exceptional group of students I've had. They are all experienced learners in the nursing program, so they "get it". It's a pleasure to teach students who are engaged and want to be there.

I had left Rasmussen College a few semesters ago (needed the break), but I have returned to teaching with a new vigor. We have a new campus that is just a few miles from my house and the move took place this weekend. Rasmussen is going through growing pains and some of the changes are really good. I'm excited and I know for sure I belong in academia, even if I only take on a few classes a year as extra work.

This is my fifth year working full time as a director of marketing for a health care company and I'm putting together a 2011 marketing plan and presentation for an annual meeting. Working on a revamp of the corporate website. The CEO for whom I work and I partnered to start a separate small marketing company a few months ago. It made sense to do so... the business is there and we already have an account. I'm creating a website and mail campaign.

The Kids....

Kevin is in Canada until the Spring and doing well, he says. He has two jobs and is renting a room with friends. We haven't resolved the "international calling" bullcrap of cell phones and I need to fast find a plan that won't suck the bank account dry. Kev is looking at a College called Acadia in Canada and wants to become a teacher and likely a Canadian resident.

Kelly is wrapping up her senior year at the high school and is dually enrolled at the community college. She's applied to the pre-Dental program at Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, FL... that's my alma mater. I hope she gets in and we'd like to find out how to financial swing it that she can live on campus and come home on weekends.

Soon I will really be an empty nester. I'm OK with this... I'm already seeing the changes with Kev gone. For example, there is no need to buy a lot of groceries. Kelly's schedule and mine cross a great deal and it feels like sometimes this house is just a drop in center for change of clothes and sleep.

Health...

About a week ago I woke up and couldn't see two feet in front me. Everything was blurry. I was scared that the Glaucoma had kicked in (I'm borderline and I've put off eye surgery a year... been warned if I don't have the surgery soon, I could go blind). But thankfully after a few hours I could see, but not at all up close like I used to be able to see. I did some googling to find out that sometimes in this age group, people can lose their up-close vision just like that (snap). I had an eye exam yesterday and I went from 1.25 to 2.00 in prescription strength, which is pretty dramatic. I ordered progressive lens glasses and sunglasses. I'm going to try and schedule eye surgery within the next month if I can pull the money together.

My uterine fibroids continue to be problematic. I have spotting and constant colicky cramping. I have been ignoring the options available for treatments after reading about them (surgery) and want to live with the condition as long as it is tolerable. I do, however, want to get a gynecologist. My primary care doc has handled all my female exams thus far. Well, I'm getting older... need to take care now I'm sure with any hormonal changes.

Last June I got 22 pounds off and I have maintained the weight loss. I want to get off another 10 or so pounds, but it is much slower to come off now. With the weight loss came hair loss... quite a bit... and I learned that I was depleted of iron, folic acid and need more biotin and B vitamins, so I'm on a program now.

Geeze.

Home Improvements

I have a long list of things to do around here. I'm making a priority list to knock out projects one by one as I can budget for them. I would like to get some window shutters in my bedroom (actually the whole house, but let's start with one room) and shutters are so outrageously priced. I have Lowes coming out to measure. The windows in this house are so cheesy and the cold pours through. My room faces the road -- noisy... too much light. My curtains fell down because the wall is concrete and the nail doesn't stay in. Very annoyed. I want a solution that is pretty, too. I work in my bedroom all the time. It's my space. I want it right.

The lawn! Need sod. As soon as these cold snaps are gone, I'm laying some grass down.

Skewl & Research & Speaking Engagement

My research is plugging along. About 600 people have taken The Love Survey (www.thelovesurvey.org) and I'm keeping the survey open to continue to recruit volunteer participants. Meanwhile, I'm working the SPSS software to crunch the numbers and learn how to statistically analyze the data.

I have been asked to be a feature presenter at a special event with the Museam of Science in Tampa. The event is in February called "Cupid the Scientist" LINK HERE

I didn't mention this earlier, but in November I had emailed the Dr. Phil Show about my research and a producer from the show called me to see about availability for a show they were planning on couples & intimacy/affairs. They asked for my bio and such, but it wasn't really a fit for their needs. I didn't get too excited, other than to realize the potential of The Love Survey (once completed) to attract media attention and hopefully give me a shot at publishing and exposure. I really want to do something good with this research. Will keep you posted on all that.

Mindless Fun Stuff

Are you watching the new season of The Bachelor? Monday nights 8 PM. I love it. Totally shallow and fun.

I'm hooked on Bravo Channel's, Housewives of Beverly Hills... more shallow fun.

I love my new Kindle. I'm reading Seven: The Deadly Sins and The Beattitudes by Jeff Cook.

I also started listening to audiobooks on my cell phone. The Android Apps are fun!

That's the news for now!

$24.96

2011-01-04T10:30:00.002-05:00

I can't believe this. That's my checking account balance. What am I -- 17 years old? Note to self: Financially plan better!

Just paid off IRS for late 2009 taxes yesterday (er... thousands)... forgot to calculate my mortgage check might be coming through the bank account this week and of course, my luck it did hit the account last night. I don't get a paycheck until tomorrow and I have my fingers crossed there are no other fees or anything that comes through today to put me in jeopardy.

Seems I'm always a day late and a dollar short, as the saying goes. Sigh.

Am I the only one living on the edge?

A Different Approach to Living -- Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T12:08:00.011-05:00

Do you reflect upon your past year’s experiences this time of year? Do you buy into the New Year’s Resolution bit? I’m into it this year…

The past three years, maybe I wasn’t ready to go with the flow or just accept things they way they were…It’s as if my hands have been in fists and my teeth clenched like an untamed animal who feels defensive against a world it fears. I am so contrary and difficult! I was in a bad sector of transition, a tad bit lost and finding my way post divorce I have held tight to my dogma, my lifelong hopes and dreams.. even though some of the stuff went against the tides of reality. I had no idea the screwy head things such a transition does to a person and how you really need to bring gentleness and forgiveness of self in order to progress. Refocus! Be amenable to Change!

Ok, so the world for me isn’t a white picket fence… it can still be good. Softer… sweeter… open and loving… more of this! I want to attract peace. And I know things are so much better now (little signs and symbols)…. For example, the Christmas Tree I put up this year was about seven times larger than last year’s (kinda like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas… his heart enlarged at the sound of Whoville singing and celebrating the true meaning of the season). My children – loving them, priority number one. Being a better source of comfort to friends who rely on me. Patience… Self-reliance and integration of higher thinking. Compassion. God.

I am wanting to look ahead now and make 2011 a pinnacle year. I want to wrap up loose ends (the dissertation and get my Ph.D. diploma), become open to allowing love to me as if I’m deserving of it (instead of feeling unlovable and unworthy for one more wasted second), check off more things on my bucket list, be freer-spirited with greater humor.

I’m rambling, I know… so much is inside me.

This past week, my boss traveled on vacation and his demands of me were minimal. I took advantage of a much needed time to sneak time to tend to family, personal tasks, read some good books, clean, and get done only those work projects that screamed for attention (ummm, I hope he’s not reading this!)… but in these past days came some interesting resolves.

I’m getting older. OK, so we all are. At what point do we say, “I always wanted this or that, but I’ll put it off til x…” And what if the cancer comes and we die and never got “this or that?” What about NOW? What about making dreams happen right this very instant at age 45 instead of 65 when I won’t be as spry as today? I want things! Is that so wrong?

So I’m gaining perspective. Yesterday I took care of myself and laid in bed starting at about 7 PM, not getting up until late this morning (and I’m still in my sweatpants and tee shirt)… I just let myself rest rest rest. I have uterine fibroids and some months, I bleed very little during my cycle – like last month (which usually means a next month that is a volcanic explosion)… I’m iron-depleted and I’m a bleeding sieve right now. So I’m pulling myself together and resting.

While I laid around like a selfish (but deserved) pig, I put on the Bravo cable network and watched a bunch of episodes of “The Housewifes of… D.C., Orange County, etc.”… which is a reality show of women my age and their plights. Wow… it sure is interesting to see the grass isn’t any greener for the “haves” versus the “have nots”. Life is hard for everyone… certainly on different levels, but we—as a human race—are united so fundamentally in that we can consciously choose our responses to life (to be happy or not be happy––to be victims or not be victims—to choose to live or die).

I am nothing greater than the next guy. I am no worse, either. This seems such a base fact, and yet in our heads (or our own darkness) we can often forget that we matter. My beloved friend, Peggy, tells me… “Doreen, you need to fill your own gas tank, because no one will do it for you…” So… women who look for a man to fulfill them are missing some truth of knowing their own power, for example. We can lose years and years feeling caught up in job or other people’s agendas and forget our own purpose and meaning.

I do, hereby, declare my life my own. I welcome love and friends and beauty into it and am ready to receive blessings. I want to give of my heart greater than I ever have… sans harsh judgments and without fear. I want to love without expectation of requite. In 2011, I am going to kick ass and be my personal best.

I am woman, I am strong.

Christmas Present to Myself: The Aerogarden

2010-12-22T08:52:00.006-05:00

I decided to spoil myself and get something I've wanted for years... The Aerogarden (http://www.aerogarden.com/) so I can grow herbs and salad greens and veggies in the kitchen hydroponically. I ordered the whole kit & kaboodle today.. free shipping and guaranteed delivery for Christmas. Oh yea bay-bees! I can't wait...

Ramblings from My Journal: When A Child Leaves Home

2010-12-20T01:30:00.004-05:00

Thought I'd go ahead and put in my blog some personal journal stuff from this week... My son, Kevin, 20, graduated from college and moved out of the house to Canada. Here it is:

My Son.

About a week ago I was alone in my house cleaning. I became aware of the unusual silence – both kids were out. I thought about aloneness. I remember that Mark told me that because he lives alone since our divorce, sometimes it would be noon before he uttered his first syllable some days. I felt sad for him because I normally have the blessings of family around me when I arise, even if it’s just to say… “You left the lid off the peanut butter last night, dummy!”

In this silence while sorting socks out of the dryer, I also reflected back to the time I had off from work when Kevin was born – all of six exhausting weeks as a new mom-- adjusting to demands of a needy infant. I remember how sleep and eating or even going to the bathroom when I needed to were indulgences and no longer something to take for granted. And then, when I returned to work leaving my baby with caregivers… how I’d give anything… my right arm even… to sacrifice the quiet morning sipping coffee and reading my inbox mail and wearing my clean clothes… oh to go back to the chaos of that freaky, screaming new human to whom I gave birth who wouldn’t allow me a minute to scratch my own ass or who spit up on me or was colicky. And I paused on that as I realized fate would bring me to that same old feeling of disconnect, when the hell of parenting is preferred over anything independent.

I realized that when a grown child leaves the home, it is a private mother’s pain that mustn’t be shared in order to spare the child any guilt. Talking to others may also be moot. Those who have not lived through such a thing and felt such loss will not be compassionate. There is a silent pang of things as the way they once were but no longer are… a loss, just like when someone dies or you divorce. Such feelings are solitary. It is not undesirable to experience such thought… it is to be thoughtfully considered… because I think such emotion tells a story of love. You can pause on the pain and really realize what somebody means to you. The depth of love in direct relationship to feelings of loss/pain provide evidence of something beautiful. I have come to understand polarity of behavior and feeling to be explored.. somewhere in that exploration is clarity, truth and understanding.

I love my son so very much. My heart aches.

Blue sock, white sock… folded and put away.. as I worked around my house the other day, I resolved in that moment to contain the feelings, own them privately, and be brave…

OK, perhaps I am writing this only from my own senses…. There is something so much larger here than the heart of a mother… it is the rite of passage of a boy to manhood. That is a journal essay of a different direction. But for a bit, allow me to allocate a few more words about this motherly response to this important event today.

I should mention… Suddenly, I have become curious and interested in what this experience was for my own mother. I was only 17 when I left home. I was self-important and righteous. I thought I wasn’t wanted and I left with my ass in the air and a car full of my teenage possessions to seek a future by my own design. At Kevin’s graduation earlier this week, Mom told me she couldn’t sleep for weeks after I’d left and dad was worried she was clinically depressed. She described the hole in her heart sensation… mom… drama and all, holding her heart to express such emotion. But I knew exactly what she meant. And I never knew this about my mother, that she pined for me and ached so terribly. She said it wasn’t something she would ever share… I wouldn’t have understood it then. I hugged my mom and I shed a tear… I never knew she loved me back then and I thanked her for telling me… especially now. And I made a mental note that I was going to tell Kevin how much I love him and am supportive of his effort to find his own way. I’m sure I’ve told him that repeatedly, but I wanted to say it again immediately and passionately.

God, I gave that kid so much hell these past few months. I can always see an unclosed loop… something wrong or not good enough. Have you thought about bus money in your budget? Of course not! Oh… the finger pointing mom… So much advice. It’s easy to do, isn’t it? Rain on someone’s parade? After all, I’ve arrived safely to age 45 so “I know these things”. Tonight, the night of my son’s leaving, I feel terribly guilty for not being sweeter to him, more patient, more guiding and less frustrated or founded in fear these past weeks. I overheard him on the phone with Isabelle at the airport a couple of hours ago… he was lit with excitement and telling her he couldn’t believe the day was really here. And I saw how much this time was momentous for him. I smiled remembering being that young and that excited.

I observed Kelly these past few weeks. There were several incidences to which I noted the relationship she has with her brother. When I was out of town this week, the two of them went out for sushi and to the mall together… just like friends. They CHOSE each other’s company. I planned this family… having two children because I wanted my first born to have a sibling and because a family of two children would expand this love. Kevin told me earlier in the week that I shouldn’t worry about Kelly too much, he was 100% certain she rejected the popular path and was often her friends’ designated driver and the one who said, “no”. He said, “She’s a good girl, mom.” I truly know this about Kelly intuitively, and there was no reason Kevin had to say it, but he did because he loves her. Tonight the kids hugged and exchanged, “I love yous.” I didn’t teach them to do that. Where did that come from? I have never said, “I love you” like that to my sibling… I’ve written it to Denise, but never hugged her and said that. Ever.

We said NO CRYING before we left for the airport. We did good. But Kelly had to hide her face a few times. I was so glad we were rushed and focused on tasks so we couldn’t sit for a coke and be sad. He is on a plane now… and there were only 12 passengers the baggage clerk said… he is in seat 5D, but the baggage girl said he has the whole row and the chair arms fold down so he could totally recline. It’s going to be a most wonderful red-eye flight for him. I told him about my business trips to Phoenix and how I always chose the red-eye because it was mysterious and void of masses of people and a very cool middle of the night adventure. So many memories of my formative young adulthood flew by me as I talked with Kevin today. He loved hearing about it.

On the way home… Kelly told me her fears of going away to college and leaving me alone. Oh don’t worry about ME! We talked the whole way back about the college experience and richness of living on campus… as it was for me. She was asking me a million questions and said she had no idea I would be “OK” with her leaving in the fall to a larger university. I gave her my financial philosophy about investing in college – it’s OK to get a school loan. I want her to pursue riches of personal growth by experiencing life outside the safety net of mom’s house. She shared with me the colleges she applied to and that she used her own money for the application fee. I realized tonight what an important time this is in Kelly’s life, her senior year in high school with already 15 college credits behind her.

Tonight, I am not sad. I am happy. I am certain that my children are good people and unique individuals who absolutely need to pursue their independent ways. I am not—never was—the strongest disciplinarian or dictator about their lives. More than ever, I am only a voice, a guide, hopefully an influence. Kelly is a spark of bright light who has the potential to make a difference and be heard because of her charisma and determination. She plays by the rules and wants to give. Kevin is a contemplative soul who is an intellectual and his own enemy because he lives on principles and fights systems… his greatest good may be at a price of his own personal gain for NOT playing by the rules…but he is authentic and so very very sincere. Both of my children are so truly different from the other. There is nothing for me to do except BE THERE and respond wherever needed. They say with kids, the moral fibers, the personhood is formed in early adolescence… seems a parent’s job after then is to ensure the kids don’t die from some stupidity.

Tonight (again) I am alone. Kelly is sleeping at a friend’s house. My boy’s room is empty of his pyramid of empty coke cans he didn’t throw away, or his dirty laundry strewn about. And like the times when he spit up on me as a baby is as it is now… oh, how I wish I was tripping over a wet towel on the bathroom floor and cursing his name than sipping Celestial Peppermint tea writing this, remembering his last hug and words, “I love you, mom.”

He is my son.

Doreen's Island of Misfit Toys

2010-12-12T12:36:00.006-05:00

Remember the Island of Misfit Toys in Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer TV special? There was: a Jack-in-the-Box named Charlie, an elephant with spots, a Cowboy riding an Ostrich, a water pistol that shoots jelly instead of water. There was a choo choo train who had square wheels on his caboose, and a boat that doesn’t float. Just like the Island of Misfit Toys, the state of "family" is no longer the traditional mother and father and two kids waking up to Santa's surprises.

We need to get over it and revise our expectations.

It's going to be a Christmas of a different kind of holiday at my house... and I guess I'm getting used to this now... the third Christmas since the separation/divorce... but this year, even more different.

My son, Kevin, 20, is graduating this week and taking off to move to Canada. He's got a job lined up, a girl, and a place to rent. I'm worried as any mother would be, and I am experiencing the classic "empty nester" symptoms. This is an exciting time for him and beneath all my doubts that his is not financially prepared for this and doesn't know how to deal with cold weather, the truth is, he is at an age when it is appropriate to define his own life. And I've got to let go.

This leaves just Kelly and me for our holiday.

I just got off the phone with a girlfriend who is newly divorced and her kids will be with their father for the holidays so she's alone... I invited her stay with us. And another friend is alone.... I want him with us. My daughter has a girlfriend whose entire family is up north and she can't afford to fly up.... Come and be with us. My widowed mother, my sister and her kids... are my biological family and they will come. Even my ex, with no where else to be... come.

I will make casseroles and cookies and put out all the liquor I still have from past parties that I haven't touched. And in the land of misfit toys, we will all be jolly.

Soooo... How are you holiday preparations coming?

Stupid Mom Text Messages....

2010-12-06T19:33:00.002-05:00

I was deleting old text messages offa my cell phone and had to laugh at some of them:

Me to My Daughter Kelly: The school called and said you missed 2nd and 3rd period yesterday. WTF? Talk to me...
Her Reply: Ummm. I was with you at my doctor's visit. Dahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Me: Oh. Sorry.

Then this one to my son...

Me: Where is my blender? It's not in the dishwasher. Who loses a blender? Do you know how big a blender is?
Kevin: I don't know, mom. I'm sure it's around.
(10 minutes later).... Me: Oh, here it is, in the refrigerator with my leftover smoothie in it.
Kevin: OK Great.

Just thought I'd share....

The Hard Hat-Wearing Woman Is Back.

2010-12-06T09:07:00.004-05:00

Today I shall endeavor to discover what's wrong and either fix my central heat myself (the fan won't kick on) or find a cheap solution. I don't have monies for expensive repair men.

And how is YOUR Monday?

On the Topic of Hair

2010-11-29T23:06:00.006-05:00

So I got my hair cut today. It has been since April - I can't believe I'm so cheap and went this long. That's 7 months... I figured it was time to cut off the dead ends and spiff it up a bit.

But even more truthfully, my hair is FALLING OUT in hand-fulls in the shower each day. I researched this "medical condition" and found out that there are several reasons a woman would start losing her hair... one is a drastic change in diet. I've lost 20 pounds (in June) and was on Opti-Fast (liquid diet, basically). Well, that could've done it. Other reasons are nutritional depletion. Had my blood work done about a month ago and I'm low iron (not quite anemic) but that and also folic acid shortage in the body can cause hair loss. So I'm on a multi-vitamin so I don't go bald. And stress... well, uh... yah, stress, I got that. But don't we all?

So anyway... on the topic of hair, I am not the most beautiful woman in the world and I'm no spring chicken, but I have always had "good" hair. We women know what "good" hair is. It's full, it's natural, soft, shiny and lays nice. It smells nice.

But let's talk a minute about what's going on with hair fashion and trends these days. The styles have very much remained the same for so very long. Can we be done with the stick straight Barbie hair using a flat iron? Can Farrah re-emerge please - oh - please? Hot rollers and BIG hair - yes yes yes? Can we be done with stripes of black and yellow and bright pink? Can we be done with that style of real short in the back and then angled long in the front like some weird hat? I miss perms! The real spirally curly loopy gelled up ringlets. Why can't that come back around?

And for men... I miss hair that was a bit long in the back.. not hippy long, but below the ears with some waves. And... Oh, I love a shaved head on a guy... if you're receding or got a bald patch... just go ALL THE WAY... shaved/bald is very sexy.... Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, you get the picture.

I used to think women over 40 should not have long hair, but I'm revising that now if you can pull it off. Yet there is a point of no return... surely you've been behind a beautiful blonde and she turns around and EGADS! It's an old hag! I don't ever want to scare people.

OK, that's enough about hair for now. Despite the new hairdo, it's a few hours since my appointment and all that primping and it's up in a ponytail as usual.

Catching Myself in the Act of Complete Abandon of Budgetary Consciousness

2010-11-20T14:05:00.006-05:00

So I was at Big Lots (the store). I wanted a tablecloth for Thanksgiving. I don't know why I got a bigass cart to push through the store when all I did was go in there for one thing. Habit? Maybe I was feeling entitled to just freely shop and spend? Stupidity, I guess.

So... I was there like an hour... listening to Christmas music, filling my cart with wonderful things for the house and the holidays.

It was time to go home. My cart was full. I looked at everything I was about to purchase. I really don't have money to blow. I said to myself, "I don't need any of this shit. Not ONE thing!"

And so, as I have often done before... I left the store and didn't buy anything.

(and in case you're wondering... you outspoken judgmental blog commenters, you... ) YES... I tried to empty the cart of the stuff (so as to not impose on the sales clerks), but sadly, not everything made it back to the proper aisles. I'm a little sorry about that.. but I'm glad I got some sense in me before I whipped out the debit card.

That's my story for the day. And... so... How are you?

Shower Curtain.

2010-11-14T17:27:00.004-05:00

I was shopping online for a new shower curtain and came across this... No. I didn't buy it. But it made me smile.

Reflections Post-Divorce

2010-11-04T19:28:00.013-04:00

I've now lived without a man for well over two years.

I lived through November 1st without tremendous emotion... that would have marked a 24th wedding anniversary... there were so many sweet sweet years. I did take some time to reflect on what was and what is, taking in the whole of it and particularly where I am headed in my independence. So much of this includes finding forgiveness of self... accepting that you can never go home again, so to speak. Past is past. Need to focus on building again.

Most of my friends say to me that for someone who shares and exposes a great amount of inner reflections about almost every subject in the human experience , I haven't been so openly expressive about the divorce thing all this time. Take my blog for example... it's pretty void of a lot of discussion about the divorce. Isn't it? I guess that's because the journey is so very confusing and complicated for me that attention focused on progressing forward.

A great term in Gestalt psychology is "cognitive incubation," which means simply that we have a natural way of problem-solving and we use incubation as a stage in the process. Specifically, when we are unsuccessful in getting an immediate solution to a problem, sometimes we set it aside, removing it from conscious thought and no longer think about it. What happens, however, is that the unconscious is at work and solutions are considered, despite the individual’s lack of awareness of the process. Now, two years later... I can see that all along I have been working through much inner conflict.

But wait... this isn't a blog post about all that deep shit, although methinks I don't know how to NOT be deep. I want to sort of lightheartedly tell you some of the things that suck and don't suck about being divorced. I got to thinking about this topic tonight while I was sitting on my bed practicing a new fingering pattern on my guitar (very exciting and I feel so gifted when I get a new technique flowing).... BUT THEN when I leaned back against the wall where my curtains were hanging, I apparently pulled on them, causing the whole friggen support and rod to come crashing down (again). I looked at the half-assed nail hole with the stud I tried to use to get it to hold in the wall. It's definitely a "chick's" attempt at guy's work. I know that sounds sexist (sorry), but for me, I'm pretty handy but I tend to jerry-rig shit because I don't have drills and guy stuff... heck, the heel of my pumps makes a damn good hammer in a pinch.

Being divorced, I have only a tool kit I got for free at a real estate closing a number of years ago... they're not even real tools... cheap stuff. I decided I'm going to buy me a tool kit. So, one thing that sucks about divorce is that I don't have access to tools or a man I could nag the hell out of to do handyman crap. As of right now, I can list probaby 20 things needing done around here that I do not have the strength, or a tall enough ladder, or the interest in tackling (except that I will.. I know I will.... who makes it happen? I do). So... point is, that's something that sucks post-divorce.

My son is moving out soon. He's 20. He's graduating and probably going to finish his higher degree in Canada. Sigh, my idealist, peace-passionate, liberal/socialist son is unhappy in this country where the promised land failed to provide him evidence of the American Dream. It really sucks that my divorce has influenced his thinking... Oh, sure... this is a much longer discussion. Let me say... my children are overall BETTER and STRONGER because of the divorce, but the sort of reality they have entered has its intensely sad downside. With his leaving and knowing Kelly will be shortly behind him in leaving the nest, I cannot begin to tell you the gasping adrenal pumping fear I feel (not always, but alone in the dark -- sometimes) of becoming that eccentric old woman living alone with her books and chihuahuas and playing sad songs on a guitar. Although, in some sick way, that sounds lovely.

Another thing that sucked about divorce ended up being a cool thing. FEAR was paralyzing. I had to learn to go places alone... parties, art galleries, events that people usually attend with a date. I have overcome that fear and rather enjoy being my own designated driver. I meet new people and make friends easily... in fact so much so, I have to keep them at bay because I do prefer a loner lifestyle. I'm learning to balance social life, or at least HAVE one. Sometimes I force myself to get dressed and out there. And I've learned to enjoy doing many things alone that I used to do with another (going to the movies alone is wondrous).

I really like that I can flip a finger to tradition now. I am known to go to bed at odd hours (in fact 2 AM is my usual bedtime)... so making dinner for the kids at 10 at night works great since we are all night owls. I really like that MY WAY is acceptable and nobody criticizes it. If the kids want cereal for dinner... fine. I don't have someone telling me I'm working too much or too hard or that my priorities are 'effed up. I am defining what's good for me.

What sucks about being divorced is that nobody is here to scratch my back. Literally. I bought two wooden back scratchers. Nobody is here when I writhe in my satin sheets alone. (Did I just say that?) Heck, even marital sex after two dozen years was convenient. And I say that purely from a industrial perspective.... I can be so crude, no? I do miss some of the things that aren't always available. And to be even more candidly truthful... my opposite sex relationship skills are that of a 16 year old because let's face it... if you marry young and aren't single again until your 40s, you have no clue about any of that stuff. Bumbling mumbling goon I can be... and I now see how my mother says (after the death of daddy now 10 years)... "I'm not going through all that shit again with another man... And no man's dirty feet are gonna be on MY couch. I've served enough sandwiches to a man layin' around watching football." God I laugh at her reality. She has emerged a strong independent woman with a grand sense of humor and a strength nobody ever knew she had until she was alone.

Sigh... I am a romantic. You know this. And I am 45 and there's a certain reality that grabs you by the balls (yes, i have those brass things)... that says to you.... Make your own way. Nobody is going to rescue you, dream about you, fix your flat tire. So I make sure I have AAA car service and I check MYSELF that the doors are locked at night, and I drag the garbage can to the edge of the sidewalk when I'm dressed in heels, and I pay the little Vietnamese man with the big straw hat $15 to cut my lawn, and carry my own groceries, and I nourish my soul with song and books, and I try to keep a sense of humor. I take care of me with no expectation that someone is there upon whom I can depend.

I am tarnished and flawed... but seasoned and stronger. I have lost so very much (particularly financially), but somehow I am still in one piece.

Perhaps of all things post-divorce, my dissertation research is my immediate quest. I feel powerful in what the future holds for my research project and the publishing opportunities with it. I feel that soon it will be "my turn"... for good things. Another season.... and a stronger me.

I love so very deeply... the few in my world. I have to say that there are significant forces around me who have saved me from myself through this process (my self-loathing ways)... and some of you are reading this... knowing it is you I appreciate.

God there is still so far to go to become whole. These thoughts tonight only touch the surface of the many things I ponder....

A Strange Medical Thing.

2010-10-26T15:25:00.003-04:00

In the middle of the night I woke up gasping for air and choking on vile stomach acid. I managed to catch my breath, but the acid burned like fire through my throat and nose. I gargled with mouthwash... couldn't get the taste to leave. It was horrible. I hadn't eaten much yesterday... a salad and 3 hot wings (but that was early in the day) and I had some celery with blue cheese and iced coffee before bed. Maybe that did it?

It was scawey and I thought I was going to die.

I read online about acid reflux, but hoping it was just a one time thing.

The Love Survey

2010-10-25T10:21:00.003-04:00

My research proposal passed ethics committee review and scrutiny by my dissertation committee. I am now authorized to begin data collection. Will you help me?

Are you in a romantic relationship? Research Study Volunteers Needed.

I am a doctoral student working on my Ph.D dissertation in the General Psychology Program at Capella University. I am currently collecting data for a study that involves examining the factors of romantic relationships (intimacy, passion, and commitment) and how they relate to satisfaction. Please consider participating in this dissertation study - Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment as Predictors of Couple's Relationship Satisfaction. It is my hope that this research will assist in furthering psychological research about love theories.

Eligibility requirements are:

1) At least 18 years old of age.
2) Live in the United States
3) English-Speaking
4) Currently in a heterosexual, steady couple’s relationship
5) Internet Access

The survey takes about 10-20 minutes to complete and is unpaid. Participation is completely confidential. There are no foreseeable risks associated with this study and you may withdraw from the survey at any point.

For more information or to participate in this research opportunity, please click on the following link: www.thelovesurvey.org or go straight to the survey by clicking SURVEY

Thank you!

Doreen Lewis

Kindle

2010-10-18T21:14:00.002-04:00

I ordered one today.

The Psychology of Your Chosen Ringtone.... Thoughts?

2010-10-18T16:02:00.007-04:00

I just changed my ringtone to Night Fever by the Bee Gees. And while I have no doubt that the Snarky Mavis Sideburn (among others) will have something cutesy to say 'bout that, I am interested to know what your ringtone is. Maybe it's stereotyping or psychobabble... (or maybe I just don't don't feel like doing important work in this moment so I'll blog instead).... but I do think you can tell a lot about someone from their ringtone. Post yours -- why did you pick that sound? and let's interpret....

So I Bought Myself This to Assuage My Madness...

2010-10-16T01:49:00.007-04:00

How come the kids are NEVER home when I get home with bags that need to be carried into the house? Seems. And God forbid I should make more than ONE trip from the car to the kitchen carrying all the groceries. I always overload my arms with heavy bags and fumble for the door knob while I sway and bumble through the house like some drunkard who can't walk a straight line. Sometimes I twist and strain my back, and sometimes I have to pee so bad (because I never STOP to pee, especially in public, but usually until it's really really BAD)... that I end up dropping all the bags in a pile to run to the bathroom. Why don't I just once and for all grow up and stop some of these really obnoxious behaviors of mine? Oh, OK... I think I will stop the madness. But I'll be damned if I'm going to make two trips to bring in the groceries.

So.. see the pic of the home jumbo foldable shopping cart? This is my new saner solution to bringing in the groceries. I ordered the cart from Walmart for $24 (shipping is 97 cents). I'm very excited about my new purchase and I don't care if you think it's a geeky thing... it's going to come in real handy and this just makes my day. I love the idea of improving my life a bit.

Excessive Rate

2010-10-14T10:13:00.003-04:00

When I was a little girl, I watched my father pay bills at the kitchen counter. I picked up the check he had written to Florida Power and noticed on the memo line at the bottom of the check he had written, "Excessive Rate".

"Daddy! How could you do that?"

"What?" he said. "The check is still legal. And it IS an excessive rate."

That was the kind of sense of humor of my influence.

Ever since... I 've been writing "Excessive Rate" on all my checks that piss my off. Last week, I was at the tax collector's office and they didn't accept debit cards. I had to write a check for almost a hundred bucks to get a replacement copy of a car title... literally, they printed me a copy off their printer... one piece of paper... a photocopy of the title which I couldn't find among my shop of horrors pile 'o paperwork at home. I didn't complain. I simply wrote the check and, as is usual, wrote "Excessive Rate" in the memo line. I handed the clerk the check.

The clerk noticed the memo and laughed so hard she had tears streaming down her chubby cheeks. She said that it absolutely made her day.

So make someone's day! I think everyone reading this should do the same... write "excessive rate" on your checks and get the message across.

That's all for now.

The Significance of 1492

2010-10-11T21:26:00.003-04:00

Did you know that it's Columbus Day? Neither did I, except that it became apparent because the mail service didn't run today.

I met my sister for a big salad and a glass of wine. OK, two glasses of wine. So anyway, we split the bill. I got mine and the total was $14.92. I found that crazy ironic.

"In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue."

I dunno. I thought it was wicked cool. We hailed over the waiter.... maybe all of 20 years old... he yelled, "Get the hell out of town!" He was so excited he called over the manager and made me tell the story again and show him the receipt.

OK... dumb story, but it's funny after a lil bit of wine. So... Happy Columbus Day!

A Favorite Healthy Snack - Apple Salad

2010-10-10T20:34:00.005-04:00

I learned this recipe in Girl Scouts a million years ago and I still eat it today... thought I'd share

APPLE SALAD

Mix all the ingredients in a bowl

1 sliced apple
1/2 cup of cottage cheese
2 Tbsp raisins
1 Tbsp of sunflower seeds
Drizzle Honey on top (or a sprinkle a packet of Sweet & Low sugar)
Sprinkle with Cinnamon

So easy. So good. So healthy. And cuts the sweet craving!

Paradise in America? Not so much

2010-10-10T17:22:00.005-04:00

So here's the thing... Things have changed people. And if you're sitting there with a Starbucks double latte mocha in hand at your desk reading this on your big wide-ass monitor that got you to this blog site at flying DLS or fios speed playing this video (excellent, BTW... from Phil Collin's farewell tour in Paris in 2004).... Consider yourself lucky. Our country's economy has truly changed what is real for so many Americans.

I remember when my beloved father was alive... I was a V.P. for a NYSE company and I had just had one of my infamous battles with the company about something so big & important (so it seemed at the time)... and I shared with daddy a fear of... one of these days pushing the envelope so far I'd be fired and without a job. I'll never forget his reply... "Pfft... This is America. You'd snap back and get another job. Do you ever see anyone starving to death HERE where we live? Have you ever seen anyone starving to death? Of course not! So relax a bit..." he said.

Fast forward my life through a job layoff, a divorce, a foreclosure and personal bankruptcy... a few years later... kids going off to college, starting new jobs/business, getting a new home... all that... and oh, the many nights so very alone running the numbers... and figuring out calendar dates when a mortgage payment might hit the bank account a day before the pay check goes in... or how I'm going to pull off a decent enough Christmas party outfit... etc. I never was starving, but I sure can write you a tale of suffering that "seems so bad"... but I have been lucky, for I have never been starving. Maybe I had to wait a week to buy groceries (still today), but there was always something to eat.... stilll cheese in the fridge. At least I always had food and a roof and a car.

People are starving out there. They really are. OK OK... yea, there are a lot of people who DON'T TRY... but I'll bet you a huge percentage really are down & out due to circumstances. I'm one of the people everyone yells at because I give the loose change and a few bucks to a panhandler. You never know who is an angel. You never know if you really make a difference in the tiniest ways.

I was driving home from the grocery store this evening. I had carefully shopped for the week (and I can do it for the three of us for a little over $100 a week now)... and with my bigass car filled with packages, I drove behind the grocery store to hit the service road... a short cut. Behind there are the big dumpsters the stores use. I saw a family there... a skinny man standing in the dumpster passing thrown-out food to his partner. There were flies all over the place. They were pulling together some food for themselves. And I drove away.... remembering what daddy once said,... how different things are today.

And that makes me very sad. This great wonderful country where opportunities are supposed to exist for each of us... today, not so much. And faith is becoming lost. And many of us are frightened. And our teenagers didn't see the high times we did in the 80s and 90s... and they don't remember times better than these.

And my son, who is getting his associates degree in a month and a half... is pondering "why bother" to get the Bachelor's degree.... doesn't seem to make much a difference any more or have value in the marketplace. Sigh.

And yet... we still have so many choices and resources around us. We just need to put things in perspective.

I dunno... I'm sitting here blogging... sad, but still hopeful. And I guess that's all for today.

Someone Please Explain to Me -- Pickled Pig's Feet

2010-10-05T10:26:00.005-04:00

I was recently in the grocery store and passed by a pyramid display of huge jars of pickled pig's feet. The jar was $15 and contained like a dozen of these things. Although it looked like a fermented science project, this is considered a food product.

Help me understand this. Um.... the feet have nails and hoofs. This is a carcass. Did someone one day lick their lips looking at a piggy on a farm and go, "NOW that shit 'ould make some fine good eatin'?"

Does one simply BITE into the flesh? A friend told me that on a drunken dare, he bit into one of these bad boys and ended up puking. Said it was like eating a human arm.

Have any of you an acquired taste for this? Do you eat it ALL or spit out the nails and bones? Do you put ketchup on it? Cook it? WTF..

Please educate me.

Doreen's Bucket List - Amended

2010-10-02T00:44:00.003-04:00

I am reposting a blog post from the archives and noting progress and adding to it....

See highlights in red

Doreen's Bucket List... BLOG POST FROM June 5, 2009 UPDATED!!!!

Wow my hair was SHORT! I am so sick of it all--the responsibility in life,-I can't stand myself. I work all the time... how convenient to do so--a diversion from confronting the "me" I just don't feel like addressing lately in all my perception issues and concerns and worries about the "what ifs" in this crazy life. I need to listen to what my friends say... "Relax a little." So, after teaching tonight, I came home, opened up a fresh bottle of merlot and indulged in some creative writing... just for me.

I had a blast with this... the beginnings of my Bucket List. It's so not done. Here's what I got going so far....

Doreen’s Bucket List

1. Publish my dissertation in an academic journal

2. Rewrite my dissertation as a non-fiction book and publish

3. Become a tenured professor

4. Grow a tropical garden

5. Travel to Italy

6. Be touched by a hand that loves me as much as I love him

7. Learn to drive a stick shift

8. Ride on the back of a motorcycle

9. Raise seahorses Been thinking about this recently

10. Successfully grow: a peach tree, avocado tree, gardenia bush or tree

11. Attend an outdoor concert on a romantic date.

12. Get stoned on weed in a safe place

13. To be loved, adored, number one, the only one, in the life of a beautiful man—if only briefly

14. Make more money in one year than I did in 2003

15. Really learn the guitar

16. Read the Bible Started this... book by my bed

17. Learn how to slow dance with a man

18. Spend a few weeks or a summer on Martha’s Vineyard or another Cape-like inspired place for writing fiction.

19. Make love in the rain

20. Get dressed up and go to a ritzy country club sort of charity event/dinner.

21. Build out a complete room as my library – old fashioned wood shelves with sliding ladder, books cataloged. OK I came close to reaching this one.. I have a cataloged wall of shelves, but no sliding ladder...

22. Publish a novel with a major house.

23. Be a guest lecturer or speaker before a large crowd

24. Win a scholarship, grant or significant recognition for research or writing In September, I applied for a $5,000 scholarship with the American Psychological Association for my research. It was a fricken huge application - like 20 pages. Will find out December 22nd.

25. Learn how to BBQ on a grill

26. Paint a mural on a wall I am feeling ready for this... this summer I took a painting class and I have many paints, brushes and supplies. Adding to this bucket list, I want an artist's easel and I want to put it in my back room where my new library is.

27. Decorate one room with abandon of cost in favor of everything I ever wanted

28. Own one of them player pianos

29. Create a family tree

30. See Joel Osteen in person I actually had tix to see him in Tampa in June

31. Become active in a church I have been to every church's website in town and still searching for the right home.

32. Quit smoking Target 2011

33. Play the guitar and sing in front of friends or small group

34. Meet or talk with Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg I have had email communications with him and plan on initiating a call in 2011 when I have data from my research on the psychology of love - my national survey.

35. Go Christmas caroling door-to-door

36. Go on a scary amusement park ride I ordinarily wouldn’t

37. Volunteer to counsel or help cancer or abuse victims

38. Be a foster home for lost dogs

39. Go to a writer’s retreat

40. Hear someone say that something I wrote made them cry

41. To own a Jacuzzi/hot tub again and create a serene surrounding

42. To own a really good stereo system in my house

43. To have a party at my home with a band again

44. To see a show on Broadway again

45. To spend a Thanksgiving volunteering at a soup kitchen

46. To party a night away

47. Receive delivered flowers from a man for at least once in my life

48. Be at Rockefeller Center when the Christmas tree is lighted

49. To ride in a horse and buggy under the stars

50. Crochet a bedspread I started one for my daughter last year and have all the yarn. She wants a "king" size. Geeze.

51. To see autumn up north and pick apples

52. Visit the Smithsonian Museum

53. Buy myself or receive an heirloom quality piece of jewelry

54. Buy an outfit that I feel beautiful in without cutting costs…fully accessorized…shoes and all

55. Hire a maid for a time

56. Go to the zoo by myself Ya know... I'm going to admit that I think about this frequently. Why don't I just do it? OK.. I'll do it. In October... this month.

57. Learn to shoot a gun

58. Play golf

59. Ride in a helicopter

60. Dress up like a cowgirl and go out WTF was I thinking when I wrote this? Yee hah.

61. Ride in a hot air balloon (maybe)

62. Write a letter to everyone I love.

63. Get a tattoo (maybe)

64. Be tempted but choose what is right

65. Dress up sexy and play one of them table gambling games in Las Vegas, sipping something dangerous in a pretty glass

66. Surprise someone with something so good they cry

67. Buy a ton of Archie comic books to read while sipping a blue 7-11 Slurpee (like I used to when I was a kid), order pizza for dinner, staying in pajamas the whole day.

68. Visit Canada

69. Enter a wet tee shirt contest (Wait. That might be my merlot kicking in. That’s a maybe).

70. Pull together enough money to make a memory for my children.... my son's college graduation and daughter's H.S. graduation upcoming.

71. To be thin.. and I haven't told you yet, but I've already lost 16 pounds. I'll let you know when I'm there. Or heck, I'll post a pic when I think I'm there and you decide.

72. To organize my house -- seriously organized -- a place for everything and everything in its place

To be continued....

Couples: On Having A Friend In Which Sexual Tension Exists...

2010-09-29T23:09:00.009-04:00

Hypothetical: You are sexually attracted to (or, if not conscious of... simply have chemistry with) someone with whom you interact on some frequency (e.g., a co-worker, a best friend's spouse, a neighbor, a former lover, whatever) but you are committed to someone else. Or, someone is sexually attracted to you with whom you interact regularly and you strongly sense it. On a conscious level it would be inappropriate to "go there" and maybe you haven't... Simply, something unsaid (but felt) is there between you. Maybe you taunt and tease... flirt, play but not touch... that sort of a thing. Maybe you even go to the edge a bit... chatrooms, text private jokes... etc. A heat is ever-present and you feel it, or he/she feels it, or you both feel it. Often in such cases, other people are aware of it, too.

Question: If your partner was attuned to the hypothetical situation with this sexual source and asked you curb your interaction with the person or give up the friendship all together (e.g., because the partner is insecure or feels threatened or senses danger)... would you honor your partner's request and curb your behavior? Would you be mad at your partner for "not trusting" you? Would you acquiesce/not acquiesce OR, instead fight for your independence to have any friends you want without their consent and tell them to "get over it"?

Another question: If your partner is the one with a lusty friend and you are the person who witnesses/senses the flirtations... would you feel concerned that temptation would lead them astray? Would you want to step in and do something to affect/minimize your partner's personal relationship with the other? Would you admit jealousy, would you ask your partner to dis his/her friendship with the lusty other? Or at least curb flirtations?

And More Questions: What if one partner asks the partner to cool it with the sexual source and the other partner REFUSES to cool it? Is this a breakdown of the relationship? Or is the one asking the other one to cool it simply a controlling baby?

Do any of these scenarios resonate with you?

I have not two, but three female friends who are living this dilemma right now, in which their male counterparts are engaging in some sort of private fun exchanges with a third party. Each of my friends is in relationship hell right now.

I can see the differing views on this: On one hand, how dare anyone tell a person who they can and cannot be friends with... right? If you're secure in your love, nothing should threaten your relationship. On the other hand... if a beloved senses danger and is hurting because of it... shouldn't there be some effort to recognize a problem exists that would be worthy of discussion, negotiation or attempt to mediate the problem?

Have you ever had this sort of a problem on either end of this spectrum? What happened? What did you do? What WOULD you do?

Remember the movie, When Harry Met Sally? It raised the philosophical question if men and women can be friends without there being sexual undertones. Here's the dialog. Please read and discuss...

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

AND... later in the movie,

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

***

My New Library (Still Adding Books)

2010-09-25T23:13:00.003-04:00

About Last Night...

2010-09-19T12:06:00.003-04:00

They came at night
They got on top of me
They touched me
They bit, sucked, swallowed
when they were satisfied, they left
I was hurt...
bloody....

Mosquitoes!

Life Updates...

2010-09-14T20:09:00.002-04:00

I am working like a dog again... not sleeping because I'm too involved to stop projects.... up until 3 A.M. most nights and up again at 8:30 each morning. Lather-rinse-repeat. OK, I'll admit I love it, but I also feel intense pressure that my hard-driving ways are pissing everyone off. And part of me wants to say, fuck y'all, and I often do, but part of me knows that I better manage time better and try to show love to those I do love and not keep putting them off in favor of some deadline.

I've moved all scheduling items, to-do lists, etc. into the larger size Franklin-Covey planner (Monarch size) - in a leather-bound zip-around case with handles. I know... a tad more corporate than I'd like my image to be, but the electronic scheduling never was good enough at really replacing a manual system. I like to take notes and doodle and need everything in one place.

I am still waiting for my friggen conference call with my Dissertation Committee. The Ethics Review Board signed off with approval and now I just need to check one more box, one more hoop before my national survey is launched. I will be inviting all of you to partake in REAL scientific research I am doing (see www.thelovesurvey.org) which will all be done online. Hopefully in the next few weeks this will be in progress. So close to ending this educational journey!

I started the Medifast diet (www.medifast1.com) which is approved by Johns Hopkins in clinical trials as a fast method for weight loss. I lost 16 pounds since July when I started and am keeping it off. My pants are too big and so are my belts... that's always a good sign... and I feel really good. I think another 15 pounds should do it to get me at a lean good and thin weight. I just decided to do it not for vanity reasons so much as I was NOT eating all day and then overeating when I did finally make time to eat.

My oldest child is graduating (Associates degree) at the end of the year and wants to get his Bachelors in... gulp.... CANADA. Thoughts on that? Anyone been there, know what it is like to be a student abroad? We'll be busy researching.

Oh, update on my medical crap.... I got some tests run and I have a fibroid tumor, which is causing all kinds of female cycle upsets. Waiting to do blood work, but the doctor suspects I am NOT close to peri-menopause yet.

I am building a semi-official library in my back room. I love IKEA bookshelves for this... they practically touch the ceiling and cover an entire wall. Got them assembled (with help) and bolted to the walls. Going to put books up by genre and alphabetize each. Dewey Decimal System. Heh.

More later....

Yes, I'll Update Blog Soon, but Check This Out

2010-09-12T16:41:00.002-04:00

Order here anytime, get free shipping, too! http://doreenlewis.avonrepresentative.com/

A Real Man...

2010-08-30T17:03:00.000-04:00

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

Underneath it All. Express Yourself!

2010-08-28T14:09:00.008-04:00

I have a few good friends with whom I am close enough to really be honest -- I'm talking sans ego and at depths beyond dangling conversations. You know who you are if you're reading this -- I love you. To me, all of life is a mystery for us to unravel, finding an individual path towards mastery and wisdom. And we hit road bumps along the way and get "stuck" and find ourselves angry or hurt. It is so good when find connection with another or others who help us on the path.

There is great pain in "seeking". I know why "ignorance is bliss" because if you never ponder or explore, you can't get hurt. But in choosing to NOT engage... is to be numb. You might as well be a rock, or any inanimate thing. To venture and confront truth, hard as it seems sometimes, is to risk and to sometimes hurt. And I almost always choose the harder way -- the right way -- and I often get a hammer to my hand in so doing... because nothing good or worthwhile comes easy (which is why we place value on "earned" things). And when seeking-- when your efforts involve others-- they may not be coming from the same mindedness as you or receive your message with your same passion. Still, we must try to resolve differences, transcend situations, and live authentically and in communion with those around us. We must bend and compromise and we must find congruence in doing so, that we do not lose who we are within it. And we must have hope that others will pay us the same respect towards peace.

To me, it is ever so important to be authentic, even when it goes against tradition or expectations -- but this can be achieved with love and understanding when it differs with affected people. Oh, you know all the quotes, "To thine own self be true." Such grand benefits in leading a life that is genuine... but in doing so means also to be responsible and kind and thoughtful to others... to choose the high road and to be good. I think sometimes people are so busy leading their own life and truths that they forget that they are an important influence on those around them. I realize I'm being vague here, and I'm often accused of speaking in platitudes, but there is a message here I want to blog about...

I've learned in my own life, that "feelings" are worthy of attention. When we are angry or sad or even happy and light... it is extremely important to explore the root of such emotion. For within it is truth and guidance to bring us closer to leading the life we were intended to live out. Negativity is NORMAL... And underneath negativity you find hurt and underneath that, you find it's core... love. This is true. This is so true and only those who self-search will find that love is from where everything comes.

Perhaps there would be chaos in the world if couples and families were honest with one another and really laid it on the line what is felt, or what one wants or needs... to express disappointment and pain. For doing so is to TRUST others that they will care enough to respond or negotiate, or find mutual truth that is not only livable, but ideal. If we do not hurt or feel, than we are that rock or inanimate thing that is simply "indifferent". If we care, then we feel and we hurt. I feel an obligation to myself and those I love to share what's inside and communicate... and there is always hope and faith in resolve and union.

Who will stand with their feet in the fire to never give up on someone or something? Even if someone has to walk away because there is no meeting of the minds (business, personal relationships, whatever)... can't we still find respect and love and forgiveness in letting them go -- isn't that still loving them? I believe we can! Good always wins.

The truth is the only place in which to live.

I read an interesting quote in a psychology article that speaks to the primal urge for living out truth...

The average two-year-old is a great beacon for emotional health, displaying a full range of emotions and moving beyond them once they are expressed.

How wonderful that our human nature is to be honest and OK with who we are to express it.

Express Yourself!

I will always speak out on things important and you will never wonder what my position is on any issue. If something isn't working in a relationship, I will not sleep or eat until I make my best effort to soul-search and either find my blame or express my truth to another. I do not care if I appear humble (and thereby weak?)... it is my core value to find truth... to come from light without subterfuge or manipulation.

We are all children with raw emotion and hurts and anger. And that's quite all right. The few people in our world who know us... truly know us.... serve as reminder that underneath it all is something beautiful and good, just as we see in them.

Madonna - Express Yourself [Video]
Uploaded by WBRNewMedia. - See the latest featured music videos.

The Whole Bloody Mess. Whore Moans about Hormones

2010-08-23T09:30:00.005-04:00

Girlfriends... We need to talk about being 45 and the beginnings of the change-'o-life and about whacked out monthly cycles heavy as hell, coming CLOSE together and NOT farther apart. Am I going to be hormoned-out and crazy for the next 5 to 10 years? Cuz this just won't do. I'm far too busy and important for this nonsense. Please advise. Seeing the doc next week, but until then, all I've got is Web MD and you know how wisdom lives on the blogs so much more.

Tell me what I need to know. Sigh.

Painting -- With A TWIST

2010-08-20T10:18:00.006-04:00

Last night, my friend and I went to a Painting with a Twist class (www.paintingwithatwist.com) You bring your own wine and they give you the paint, canvas and instructions. It was so very very fun! Here's my completed painting and a pic of us....

Tool-Belt Totin' Me... Who Needs a Man, Anyway?

2010-08-14T16:29:00.003-04:00

The Washing Machine stopped spinning and draining. I don't have money for repairs or a new one. Decided "How hard can this be to fix it myself?" Went to fixya.com and looked up Whirlpool Duet Front-loading Washer and my sympton. Got step-by-step instructions. Unplugged washer, unscrewed panel to open to parts, took apart the mechanism for drainage... found 7 years worth of sludge clogging the motor. Wet/dry vacc'ed. Defunkified and cleaned all parts. Reassembled. Plugged back in. Ran test cycle - success. Now doing weekly laundry as intended. 45 minutes and $0 dollars later. Oh yea, bay-bee. Fresh sheets tonight and fluffy towels, too!

My High Horse.

2010-08-12T11:52:00.005-04:00

Ya know... all y'all in my life.... when you violate me, do me wrong, I know it within the second it is happening and I don't eeeeeven have to step back, or pause for one hesitating moment to think about it. My instincts and my gut guide me. I know when when something is wrong and I know it quickly and rightly. And you will hear my immediate response. That's not being an unwielding bitch, that's being strong and good. If you don't like it... talk to the hand. Be good. You, too... reading this.

That's the thought for the day.

Get in Line... On Being All Things.

2010-08-08T14:15:00.005-04:00

I like to take glimpses into the world of other people and how they manage their lives, their priorities, and keep wits about themselves. How do you let competing demands and criticisms roll offa you? How do you keep your sanity when there is so much around you... pawing at you and trying to suck the life out of you? HOW DO YOU DO IT? Did you learn to say NO early in life? Do you know something I don't know?

Fortunately or unfortunately, I was raised by a couple of hardworking, Catholic, New Yorkers with big hearts and big heads who did for themselves and never, ever ASKED for help. In fact, we always were the bearers of aid to all God's children and anyone who ever came forward. (You never really know if who needs you is an angel in disguise). We are strong women in my family... Lithuanian women -- a heritage of a working class who are physically powerful and full of endurance. There is this PRIDE thing in my family... a work ethic, a moral basis in living life, an ego the size of Minnesota (chip on the shoulder, I daresay) that, "we don't need nobody" (yes, the incorrect grammar there, makes the phrase even more powerful to show my roots). But we know people need us... and we are THERE always... in places we never imagined, doing things many people would thumb up a nose to do. It's about being good for good's sake. It's about dropping in bed exhausted having taken care of all needs around us.

Went to dinner with my mom and sis yesterday for mom's 68th birthday. Just us girls. We are each different personalities.. or shall I say, Mom and Denise are much more alike (logical and nonyielding) and I'm somewhat the freer spirit with a more poetic outlook. But we all seem to have similar plights in life as overachievers. It's about wanting to please, about longing for getting credit for what we do, about making things happen, cleaning up everyone else's messes. We attract people who depend upon us and while we love doing and giving, we ultimately end up seeking reprieve, hiding from the world in reclusive places to avoid all the "taking" that eats us up in this life. And so all that "tough talk" we say to each other about "Fuck this or that and let it go".... we never were really good about abandoning ship when the going gets tough. We carry torches saving our families, kids, neighbors and friends.... And as we shared tales at dinner last night, I detect among us a certain resentment about being loved only for what we do.... never for who we are inside.

I have pondered this recently and it makes me sad. I don't want my kids to be takers and I want them to be powerful and self-sacrificing, but also balance all things. Had a meeting with my kids this morning about the need to share responsibilities and get some of the intense pressure off of me.... things like scrubbing the bathtub and not waiting for mom to come home to whip up meals, but really caring for each other. We need to communicate more and be kind. We need to show love more and criticize less. I think I "done" good with them today.

I have a couple of people "mad" at me right now. I turn off my phone when I work on my dissertation. The work I do requires silence. I can't be at everyone's aid in a moment. Fixed a friend's computer by phone across the miles.... hours of work... I do additional work on weekends for the job, lend a sympathetic ear to friends with money and relationship issues... it's never enough. And when I "crack".... end up a puddle of tears... I am "undesirable" and rejected. It is failed expectations to realize not everyone has within them the care to understand someone as competent as I (and I don't mean that to sound haughty), but I bleed, too! If others did understand, maybe they wouldn't need/demand/criticize so much. So caring for others and being a good mom or sister or daughter or friend is sometimes hard when it goes unappreciated. Not too many people "get that" when their vision of you is that you wear a cape and fly through the air.... "Even heroes have the right to bleed...."

And as for allll the criticisms I feel I get mercilessly from the world.... I remember a wonderful quote...

It is not the critic who counts nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. ~Theodore Roosevelt

Miss Independent

2010-07-31T11:23:00.006-04:00

It's amazing about life "stuff" we go through... periods of transition, times of insecurity, confronting fears. We all have stages of life... And I find myself ending a significantly long period of learning and pain into a state of "being," into a state of acceptance about the ways thing are -- things I cannot change and the things I can embrace or influence or affect. Not a holy roller, but I do glean from inspired words - biblical (but which are also contemporary notions... remember Simon & Garfunkel?) I reflect:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 - From The Holy Bible (King James Version) Attributed to King Solomon

To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;

A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.

I have a vision for my future that I couldn't see for the past two years. I have let go of delusion and things which cannot be. Some of the things are things you may find to be so obvious and nonconflicting in your own life (perhaps you are farther along the journey than I). I have learned that there are no heroes and really, that you come into this world alone and you leave alone and you can't take it with you. The greatest contribution one can make in life is to live authentically and with conviction, finding meaning and being an example to others as a positive force. I had no idea until just now how important self-esteem is to healthy functioning. It is. And you can't buy it or borrow it, you have to find it... sometimes in the strangest of ways.

Who I am... who YOU are... who we all are.... are tremendous sparks of purpose. I remember the night in the hospital so long ago when I gave birth to my first baby, having heard the cries of mothers during childbirth through the night several doors down from my birthing room... that each life-bearing event was singularly meaningful and miraculous for that mother, and that a baby is a life given -- so cherished. Such hope! And yet, in our world, we scoff and judge and hate others -- as if these life forces were objects. I say this as I go back in my mind to sweeter philosophical moments when I had a grasp of "love and understanding" that was in touch and positive... and not a time of fear or self loathing for failures.... We can so quickly decline into abyss, believing we are nothing more than a pimple on the earth's ass if we allow the world to eat us up. My God! I let that happen for so long.

Oh, we are so much more! Like stones thrown in a river making a ripple, we have lasting impressions to make in this life. We can choose to emerge our own hero and inspire. I see people around me who don't even know their power and force (in my life) who, if believed in their own goodness, could set the world aflame. I realize, too, that I can always choose the "high road" and display my inner power, too. We cannot waste all that there is inside!

I don't know why it is that I've lived so long measuring my self worth based on other's opinions of me, but clearly and shamefully I have. I want to be liked and loved (sigh). Rejection always came hard for me. I loved more when my love was unwelcomed, and I hid from love when it came... some sort of fear of intimacy. And today... I believe I am able to love with the greatest affection to even those who cannot love back for they have it not within them. And I can forgive with ease... those who abandon good things in exchange for some compromised experience -- knowing they are on a journey, too. Sometimes we limp until we heal and can run again.

Perhaps I speak in riddles without giving specific examples of where my mind and heart are today... but the point is... I feel strong and powerful in my life just as it is, flawed as it is, with a vision for a future that surpasses any life experience I've ever known. My values, my zest, my care.... I am positioned for good things now without suffering or self-punishment any more. I am what I am. For crying out loud, I spent 45 years creating "me" and I have so much inside of me that I shall not live long enough to expend or tell or share or give. I am good.

It is important that I write and publish.... and this is becoming an urge so profound within me. It is not about glory or money or fame. It is who I am. My enormous journals and diaries are rich with thought. I am ready to make real the many dreams I've been too afraid to consider. There is nothing that can stop me.

This is the start of a new season of life for me. I feel it. And it feels soooo good.

Memories of Childhood and Simpler Times

2010-07-26T00:12:00.001-04:00

What Next? A Fricken Walker?

2010-07-19T00:14:00.004-04:00

My eyes are better.

So my thumb blew up at the joint. No... no pictures, it's bad enough I'm starting to sound like a whiny old fart. This is either arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome or derivative of repetitive motion whatever-you-call that disorder for being on the computer all day long. Have I mentioned I have a case of hot ass, too? My ass is at least 5 degrees warmer in this chair than the rest of me. Is there therapy for that? I get chapped elbows for leaning on them when I'm reading. I'm a mess.

Anyway, about two months ago I started noticing joint pain in my fingers. Today the thumb blew up, so I'm kinda starting to pay attention now. I need to take better care of myself. And I'm so cheap.. need to buy some stuff that will help. I decided to get some ergonomic shit for my desk... been using the same logitech ball mouse for years and maybe need to change it up for the thumb has been abused in this configuration. I read an interesting article out of Cornell University about mouse usage. Click Here if interested. We really should all invest in the right mouses (mice?) and keyboards, not this $8.88 one I got at Walmart.

And there's more crap throughout this little family... My baby girl is sick with another sinus infection. We had allergy tests run last month. We found out she is allergic to... uh.... EVERYTHING. So gee, thanks for the info, Doc... she's pretty much SOL for a lifetime. They are recommending immunotherapy (weekly shots). Anyone go through that? Did it help? Kelly's strongest allergies are trees - birch, mostly.. all of them. Then during seasons she gets hyper allergic (called Oral Allergic Syndrome, or something like that) in which she becomes highly allergic to fruit and her mouth blisters --mostly apples.

Kev's not much better... only he has asthma as a result of his allergies. He is also allergic to everything. He's 20 and refusing to go for treatment. He's dependent on an inhaler daily and has been his whole life.

I'm babbling... feel free to chime in with your own physical ailments so we can all feel the pain together.

Ow... the thumb really does hurt!

Eye Carumba!

2010-07-11T12:27:00.003-04:00

So I had this dumb sty in my eye that after two weeks never came to a head and instead formed a fricken hard ball on the bottom of my left eyelid. I went to the opthalmologist and they surgically drained it and it healed just fine, just a little shiner for a day Then I woke up the next day and my other eye was effed up. This is just awful! I've been debating calling the doc on the weekend so I just sent the office the following email:

Hi. Can you have Dr. Hu call me concerning post-op problems? I had a chalazion removed on 7/8 (not to be confused with a Chalupa, which they serve at Taco Bell and is much larger) and on 7/9 my OTHER eye blew up (another sty) and this one won't drain either - 3rd day and I'm scared it's going to become a chalazion, too. Aside from being miserable, I look like the elephant man. I need something prescribed or to come back in. Please contact me! I can send pic of eye if necessary.

Thanks.

Doreen Lewis

This is a pic of the other eye

Bachelorette: Season 6 - Face-off with Jake & Vienna

2010-07-06T00:14:00.002-04:00

Yes, I'm still hooked on the Bachelor/Bachelorette series, it's just been a rather dull new season. And then... there was TONIGHT when the fireworks sparked in a surprise interview between last season's bachelor Jake and Vienna talking about their breakup. It revealed a great deal about the persona and character of the both of them. Vienna was believable but sadly, she didn't need to be a drama queen and embarrass herself like that... it would have been best to quietly go on without discussion/interviews. Jake probably thought he came off as calm and taking the high road, but he appeared to be pompous and self-righteous. There is no right/wrong here - everybody loses, but this interview (video below) captures an essence of problematic relationships throughout the world - the epidemic unwillingness to be tolerant, forgiving, patient and caring/loving. Too much ego, not enough soulful exposure and intimacy. Very, very sad state of affairs and exemplary of so much pain within coupling. Anyone watch last night? Thoughts?

Clearwater Beach Vacation

2010-07-05T23:45:00.007-04:00

It's interesting how everyone comes away with a different experience from vacation. I'm so glad the children had fun with their friends who came along... frisbee playing, they got henna tattoos, fireworks, running in the rain. Me? I drank alot. OMG, I am soooo not the vacation type... hard to relax and easily irritated by every little wrong thing (er, like the rain). We stayed in a beach shack... got rooms for each kid so they could enjoy their friends and I could have some peace and quiet. First vacation for our dogs... Rocko got car sick and bit someone (geeze) but they finally calmed down and stopped barking at some point. My sister's family stopped by and brought a 4th of July BBQ... it was great! And we saw old friends Dave & Shelly Anderson and their kids... That was a great highlight! I am sooooo glad to be home. Here are some pics!

Forecast for My Beach Vacation. Need I Say More?

2010-07-02T11:02:00.006-04:00

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Maybe I Should Make Reservations Next Time.

2010-07-01T19:10:00.006-04:00

So on the way home last night, it was hot and I was cranky. I was thinking about what was in the freezer to cook and not very happy about the options. I considered also that the kids rarely like anything at all that's quick-made by me and I was so not into picking up groceries to whip up something divine. So, instead, I hatched the idea to bring home a good old-fashioned bucket 'o KFC.

Excitedly I pulled into the drive-thru window. We rarely indulge in fast food so I scanned the menu and settled on my chicken options and yelled into the little box.. a list of my chicken preferences and all the sides I wanted.

"We're out of chicken," the voice said in response.

"Are you serious?"

"Well," the voice said, "We can cook you some, but it will be about 18 minutes."

I peeled away.

When I got home and the starving kids looked at me with their big blue eyes... I handed Kelly a $20 bill and said, "You and your brother turn this into dinner... I'm not hungry."

They were happy enough about that and settled for Subway around the corner, which also served as lunch for them today.

And that's the end of this story.

Isn't my life exciting? But more importantly, isn't it sad about KFC?

Technology Whore and Good Times

2010-06-29T11:11:00.005-04:00

I haven't been blogging because ever since I renegotiated my cell phone contract, I was able to get a data plan and, as such, have moved from the beloved Blackberry to a spiffy Android phone. I haven't been seen since... just lost in my new toy. Learning a touch keypad wasn't easy and I'm still pretty slow, but there's nothing quite as fun as a good text banter or fight... I just need practice.

So... Android kicks butt and I've downloaded a bunch of Apps. I'm telling you this because I like the word, "Apps" - don't I sound so hip and cool? But seriously, if anyone reads this and wants to talk about the greatest new 'Droid Apps... here I am.

I feel like having a margarita and putting a lampshade on my head and dancing with myself. I have had enough workaholism for a time. This weekend is a mini vacation on the beach! Woo hoo! Trying to get a lot done the next couple of days so I can relax - guilt free. I can't remember the last time I just threw up my arms and gave into hedonistic pleasures under the sun. Music, friends, my kids, good food, laughter, and drinks with little umbrellas in them.

I am feeling light and fun and ready to play!

Happy Fourth of July!

Remembering Daddy Who Left Us June 19, 2001 - On Father's Day

2010-06-20T21:09:00.003-04:00

This was the song we danced to for the first Father-Daughter dance at my wedding in 1986.

Life Updates.

2010-06-19T13:38:00.007-04:00

I bought these geese for by my front door and will acquire different outfits to suit the seasons and holidays. Why? Because they make me happy, that's why. Don't you love them?

Some news to report: After 3 or 4 years teaching with Rasmussen College, I resigned about 6 weeks ago and completed the semester yesterday finally announcing my leaving to the students. I love teaching.... it has been wonderful for me. INFORMATION HERE HAS BEEN DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF RASMUSSEN COLLEGE concerning graduation rates that have not been released to the public yet As such, I have my CV now with a couple of larger universities for a psychology job within programs where the behavioral sciences are a major and students will be more serious.

INFORMATION DELETED BY REQUEST regarding class size.

On other life updates... My dissertation was APPROVED by the institutional review board (IRB), which is the ethics committee. I am thrilled! Within the next several weeks I will launch my national survey on passion, intimacy and commitment and will be asking all and everyone you know to participate. I plan on publishing the results and this is the culmination of nearly 4 years of research in love theories. I can't believe I'm here and I'm so excited!

Today is the 9th anniversary of my beloved father's passing from pancreatic cancer. He was 59 years old and he was my hero... a true gentleman, smart and wise and witty. Oh, I miss him! Of course he passed the day after Father's Day... so appropriate.

We are going on a mini vacation for the 4th of July weekend. I got three suites at a beach motel for us (nothing fancy) and the kids are bringing some friends. Our chihuahuas are coming (I got them doggy Hawaiian shirts to wear to get in the right spirit of things). It's been many years since we've done anything fun and we all need it.

I busted a gut this week OMG, when the hell is menopause anyway? I'm so sick of this. There's the week before the ovarian explosion that is riddled with attitudinal issues and depression, followed by a week of abdominal unwellness... well, that's 1/2 the month or roughly, half the female's adult life. Men have no idea. Going to lay down shortly in a fetal position until the 3 ibuproferen kick in.

There is a wondrous thunderstorm here today and that pleases me. I am going to read, order a veggie pizza... kids are working, I am alone and it is peaceful....

On Being Elderly.

2010-06-18T13:30:00.001-04:00

Kelly (age 17) just asked me, “Mommy? Is it normal to get whistled at every day by men at stores and parking lots and even on the road? Cuz it’s kind of creepy, mom.”

I laughed.

And then I realized that used to happen to me every day, too, and now… not so much. So after laughing this old crow could just cry.

Geeze.

Signed,

An Old Mother

Blog Updates Forthcoming and I'll Read Yours, Too....

2010-06-17T20:24:00.003-04:00

Soon.

Today is the last day of the teaching semester.... 42 students... late term papers, final exams, grade reports & spreadsheets, oh my!

I have so much to blog about... Soon!

Debrahlee Lorenzana: Too hot for work?

2010-06-05T20:02:00.008-04:00

First, thank you for missing me on my blog. Here I am at last. I don't like to blog just for blog's sake.... rather, prefer to blog when compelled. Today, I wanted to talk about that story all over the national news about the 33 year old woman who was fired from Citibank for being too pretty. I feel a certain twist of injustice here... to womankind, by womankind.

I want your comments!

On one hand, I do know that travesty exists when it comes to pretty women in the workplace. They are often the victim of unsolicited advances by male co-workers and the subject of gossip by jealous female co-workers. I am sensitive to that. Also, the issue of "dress code" is such a slippery slope... so many of the companies where I worked struggled with striking the balance of how to approach someone who is distracting. Additionally, I, myself, have had experiences both as a "woman" who has experienced harassment (benign flirtations albeit inappropriate) that I learned to handle myself... and also as a manager of a department where young women were, on some fine line/opinion a bit risque. It's a tough situation on all sides.

So with that background... I have a pretty clear head about all sides of the issue as being quite a complex one.

The case of Ms. Lorenzana, however, is over the top. The fact that she is a pretty lady with a complaint is a situation, alone and of itself, one that evokes womankind compassion, generally speaking.... Upon first hearing the headline news that Citibank fired her on dress code issues makes me wonder if that was fair to her. I feel for her in that regard.

UNTIL the rest of the story unravels... and surely we will be hearing more soon to the twisted plot....

The fact that Miss Lorenzana posed seductively for the Village Voice in numerous attire as if to springboard a new line of clothing is, to me, opportunistic and an egregious embarrassment to womankind and offensive to real women who suffer consequences for being too pretty and harassed. She has not done a service to us women by her actions following the lawsuit... she has belittled her own complaint, demeaned her character by flaunting herself to paint sexuality with a broad paintbrush to exclaim through her actions some sort of statement as if, "I am what I am" and "all pretty women like me are subject to discrimination" which is simply a dramatic inflation that doesn't jibe with reality.

Do you applaud her for this?

This is a twist on things good and right. Personally, I'm offended by the aggrandizement and shallow "in your face" self-marketing this woman has done as some sort of representation of all women. She does not represent me.

I say, kudos to women who can look great, who ooze inner sexuality and can't help it, but who are sincere in their achievements in education and work efforts to earn their position. and present those assets instead of "ass"-ets. Learning to play by corporate rules isn't for everyone (I certainly have my own issues there, which is why I work an alternative arrangement that is more flexible and enriching, allowing me to be me on my own schedule in my fuzzy slippers if I want in my home office). I know it's hard to play by other's rules, but there is a fine line of distinction and a certain decorum that renders one as a pillar of righteousness if they learn to work within boundaries of a system and balance difficult fine lines. If a boss is out of line, a quiet and personal lawsuit is warranted, but to make a Barnum & Bailey 3-ringed circus about it is extreme and disruptive.

With no college degree and only a few months employment history at Citibank, she went on a campaign taking pictures of other women at the office to build her case to show that other women dress as she does and she "can't help it" that her endowments are more outstanding than theirs. Well, duh.... As a woman myself who is a "D" cup bra size and to give you an example... I know that things my young daughter might wear which are strappy and cute and non-sexual, may come off as horrifyingly lurid if I were to wear such in my size. There are styles women know they can pull off or can't and you often learn that the hard way (comments by co-workers, who will tell you... "Uh, honey... don't wear that") It's the ways we've learned to become socialized human beings a few levels above the food chain of the animal kingdom.

And so, the point of all of this is... Society loves to blast the institutions as being wrong all the time and make it a "Them versus Us"... the lawsuit happy people, the fights for freedom which really aren't fights at all, but some man-made bullshit to talk about and poke fun at.

It is interesting to me that in her interview, which I viewed on youtube.com, that Deborahlee is wearing a thin white top in which her nipples are taut. Doesn't matter that it is "natural" that we women have nipplage in response to air conditioning, for examples. As professionals we exercise judgment to minimize attention in the office place by ensuring our undergarments offset such a thing when we KNOW it evokes stares and glares naturally by men, particularly if we are attractive. That's not being a prude, that's being responsible. AND, that's not to say we don't show off nipples when we are in another environment... the beach, a club, whatever.

Do not misunderstand the point of this blather here... I'll be the first one to speak out on the rights of a woman, but in this particular case, this typical male response I'm hearing of, "I give credit to this woman for positioning herself in the media to make her statement," to be an insult.

I am a pretty woman who can be sexy. As a psychologist, I know the nature of man. As an office professional, I know how to balance attractiveness and select clothing that enhances my figure while being dignified.

I am tired of seeing bellies with infected sores from belly rings in the classroom where I teach. I am tired of seeing males boxers because young men wear pants to the ground (is this really still in style). I don't like seeing tattoos of swash stickers or roses on butt cracks when I have a meeting with someone. Cleavage is understood as a reality for large breasted women, but plunging necklines, no bras, etc. is not. And while Lorenzana doesn't exhibit any of these extremes, her poses in the magazine whoop it up enough to present her as on some campaign for naughty invitations.

In a nutshell, it sucks that we even have to deal with embarrassing dress codes, but it is totally unnecessary to have some nobody like Miss Lorenzana, self-proclaim to be "spokesperson" for women's rights to be sexy.

I look forward to the rest of the story and also hearing your comments about this.

I have a date with Hefty Bags and a Glass 'O Wine

2010-05-25T12:45:00.003-04:00

If I get all my work done today, I have a vision for this evening: Putting American Idol on the TV in my bedroom while I sip wine and pull crap out of my closet and stuff it into bigass lawn garbage bags for donations, never to be seen again. My closet is full of shit... shit, I tell you.. it's all shit. And everything is on a hanger NOT because I am organized and tidy, but because it's nothing I ever want to take down and wear. All crammed in there... Gawd.

Why is it that a new piece of clothing is so exciting when you first buy and then it sucks moments later and you wonder what the hell you were ever thinking when you bought it in the first place? And yet you let it hang in the closet as if by magic it will become appealing in the future... what's with that?

I am getting rid of all clothes that I don't wear because...

It has to be ironed
I look fat in it
My boobs hang out
It shows back fat
It's hot
It's see through or nipply
It's got some bold print on it
It's stained
It has a safety pin where replaced buttons should go
It hurts (shoes/too tight pants, etc.)
It is an old lady or fat chick concept
It's too young for me and I musta been drunk when I bought it
It's for a swanky affair which will never happen
It's sexy and I'm not
It resembles a get-up or costume
It is no longer white or the color it was supposed to be
It is out of season and never worn

I hope to get rid of 50% of it TODAY!!!

***ADDENDUM**** My sister said to add the following items to be disposed of:

or it has dog hair on it,
is white - (huge boobs and white don't mix),
it's any type of lesbian polo shirt,
anything from walmart,
or makes your pits smell,
or is itchy,
or shows cleavage

Not sure I agree with the Walmart items, I like mine. And cleavage is OK for me ( a little).

Hey! That's No Chew Toy!

2010-05-24T11:17:00.001-04:00

What I'm doing right now: Chasing Poncho through the house. That's a tampon applicator in his mouth. What if I were having a dinner party and this happened?

Starting RIGHT Now! Pump up the Volume!

2010-05-21T13:58:00.004-04:00

Update Just for Mavis Sidebottom

2010-05-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

I feel as if my ovaries are about to explode. I want chocolate. I got up this morning, noticed more gray roots than I care to see and before I even had my morning coffee I went up to Walgreens to get a box of hair color. Now... to do my roots and save the expensive "highlight" work I had done last month.... Nothing's ever easy, is it?

I am about to send off my dissertation for ethics review today (which will tie it up for a month) and I will not have any scholarly work to do for the next few weeks and this frightens me because now I will have time on my hands and no excuses for all the things I have excuses for not doing. I was thinking this morning I need to clean my garage because I still have unpacked boxes from when I moved last year and this makes me feel like a curly tailed piggy, disgusted with myself. For shame!

I watered the flowers today because I've been such a lazy slacker and I really must take better care of things. What is wrong with me?

Woe. I have so much work to do to become a better person.

(Mavis... happy now?)

More Car Fiascos.

2010-05-16T21:09:00.004-04:00

Kelly recently got her car back from the body shop after her father paid entirely too much for its repair. A few days with the car back, and someone in a parking lot at the grocery store decided to smash in the driver's side window and steal her I-Touch (she had hidden it, but the cords plugged in were still visible). She called the police and was hopeful somehow she'd get her Ipod back, but you and I have been on this planet a lot longer than her innocent 17 years.

The window is now duct-taped with clear plastic. It's not covered by insurance and I guess we'll have to find a glass guy and pull a rabbit out of a hat with regards to getting some money together. Of course to make matters worse it rained cats and dogs today, too... it hasn't rained in months and it's going to rain for days this week.

And so, how are you?

Driveway Expansion

2010-05-10T17:20:00.002-04:00

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T19:04:00.004-04:00

For mother's day (last evening - a day early) we gathered at the Tiki bar (Crab Shack on the River) for snacks and listened to live music (sans Kevin who was camping)... here are a few pics of me & my mom and sister's family and my Kelly. Today the kids mulched 20 bags around the landscaping for me today. It was good....

The Exhorbitant Cell Phone Expense

2010-05-07T09:02:00.005-04:00

Thank God for cell phones... but if you're a techno-whore like I am... you get sucked into high end phones and use the phone to extreme. I'm a blackberry user with T-Mobile and have been a loyal customer for 8 years. As much as I'd like an i-phone (currently only with the AT&T plans), I have controlled my whoredom and stayed with T-Mobile. And, I refuse to pay for "data" services. My blackberry picks up internet through "hot spots" for free, but oh, it'd be so nice to have data all the time. At $25 per month extra PER phone for internet, I just refuse. Even still... our bill runs $2,800+ per year for the four lines I have (unlimited minutes and texts).

I read an article this week about reducing household costs and a website was recommended that I wanted to share. It's www.myvalidas.com and it is a "safe site" recommended by yahoo! You plug in your credentials for your cell phone account or download your bill and they analyze it instantly FREE and recommend cost-saving reductions or other plans. Seems I'm on the right plan for the usage... Anyway, you might want to check it out for yourself.

Happy Friday!

Kelly's Junior Prom - A Few Pics

2010-05-02T12:02:00.002-04:00

Posted Here for Me.... Guitar Chords for I Want to Grow Old With You

2010-04-30T10:43:00.003-04:00

Instruction...

Nice Rendition... (This Girl Looks Like My Daughter, Kelly!)

Karaoke Lyrics:

How to Shower

2010-04-29T20:55:00.000-04:00

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

Male Versus Female at the Bank ATM Machine

2010-04-29T20:48:00.001-04:00

A friend sent me this and I absolutely love the emails that get passed around that have to do with the differences between genders. There's one about how men and women take showers... I'm going to google that and post it here next.

This one about how men and women do ATM banking is a knee-slapper!

******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Ying Yang - My Lil Chihuahuas!

2010-04-28T21:40:00.002-04:00