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What Was I THINKING?!?

I was excited to begin this new fitness routine I had planned. An hour a day... aerobic. Gonna get skinny and healthy!

So I get all dressed for my first workout today.... I put on my "running shoes" (which the only running I ever did in them was maybe the mall)...and some running shorts (previously worn as stretchy pajama bottoms for laying around the house, certainly not EXERCISING), and an oversized tee. DROVE my car instead of walking the 1/2 mile to the fitness center. I justified the driving because it was evening and I didn't want to get bit by mosquitoes.

So I arrive. Nice big TV with the inspired Olympics on, just me and my daughter, Kelly, and some young guy watching us. So we proceed on the elliptical machines. I start slow (warm up) and I'm watching the timer... 20 seconds and it's already starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Next to me, Kelly is at 4.2 mph and I start going 3.5 mph and one minute into it I think, "Oh, God, this hurts!"

During minute 2, I think to myself, "OK, I'll just slow a bit and do a leisurely exploration of this machine," but when I slowed, the machine put out a written message, "Begin workout" as if I wasn't doing anything! The slowest speed I could go was all I could do. And Kelly, next to me, is breezin' along at 4 or 5 mph, listening to her IPOD, happy and relaxed, eyes almost closed as if she's meditating.

Meditating? My eyes were bugging out and I was huffin' and puffin'! I felt a drip along my face. Yes, SWEAT! Underneath my boobs became their own little arm pits. I was hot and this was royally awful. I decided if I did 10 minutes that'd be a miracle, but at 4 and a half minutes, I started complaining...and Kelly couldn't hear cuz she was in her own little IPOD land, so I started talking to the young guy... "I must be doing something wrong...this feels like I'm climbing some fricken mountain."

He came over to where I was and looked at my settings. "No, you're at zero inclination... this is the easiest setting they have."

"Well then something is wrong with ME, cuz I can't do this any more."

I think when the thing hit 5 minutes, I was already at the water fountain with my entire mouth over it, gasping and swallowing. Kelly noticed I wasn't ellipticating or whatever the f*** you call it and she said, "MOM! You can't be serious!"

Oh, I was serious.

But I'll try for 10 minutes tomorrow.

I'm sorry, I don't get it. Some people actually LIKE to workout. I can't imagine that!


mavis sidebottom said...

I hate those eliptical things they always run away with me and go faster and faster, I think you are better off just taking the dogs for a good walk daily you meet people you wouldn't normally meet and you only sweat if you want to

doreenmary said...

Um, Who put CLAMPS on my hips? OK, now this is REALLY sad... I'm actually SORE from my 5 minute work-out yesterday. I must be the most outta shape blob in the universe.


Anonymous said...

The eliptical is not something you jump on and can do more than five minutes on if you're not in good shape. It's not motion or muscles that you used to/ used to using. I used to do 40 minutes running on the treadmill and after that, when I stepped on an eliptical, I was the same as you. Don't be discouraged. An extra minute everyday and you'll be doing a half hour on it by the end of the month. -blu

Anonymous said...

try liposuction...even without the anesthetic it wouldn't hurt as your clothes will last longer...even spandex has a limit to what it can do for you...give it a break hon...grab a hogie and wait for the Grim's better then the chaos you are causing at the know how people talk...heh...and you knoe everyone is looking at just say screw it...wear your baggy sweats and work on this...if you give up now you will never respect yourself in the morning...that is important to you isn't it? You can do this...I think...good luck..Adonis

Jilly said...

Hi Doreen,

it's been ages since we've talked.
i loved doing the eliptical when i used to go to the gym. I'd put my mp3 player on and close my eyes and forget everyone else. then i got pregnant and had to stop going to the gym and now i'm just scared of the pain from getting started again but i have no choice. Alex is right though, taking a walk with the dogs should be a nice way to get moving without pain. oh and if mosquitoes bother you, take B vitamin complex (not just B-12, but the complete package) and after 2 weeks, the bugs should leave you alone. I had to give B complex up while pregnant, and the bugs started eating me alive again, now that i'm back on it, nary a bite.


doreenmary said...

Heya Jillybeans! So good to hear from you. LOVE the pic of your baby. Thanks for visiting and now that you've come here, please keep in touch!

doreenmary said...

Oh, and to Mavis and Blu, I'm not sayin' nothin' else until I have something to be PROUD of with my exercise progress to tell ya. But thanks for the ideas and support!

Jon said...

Gotta push through the pain. NO PAIN NO GAIN :)