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Reflections Before a New Start...

It is 30 minutes before I'll leave for the courthouse... It's the final court hearing, making the divorce official. 26 years together, of which almost 22 were spent married... You don't just skip on in, sign papers and go about your life without contemplation...

I think about what was... the beautiful times shared together. How handsome my husband. The love, the birth of the babies, the laughter and the holding. Those early years were good. We were poor. Oh, hell, we were always poor, even when we thought we weren't. I loved him and I still do and always will.

I think of what might have been... grandkids, sitting on a porch in rocking chairs old together. So many dreams shattered. So much hurt. And yet, the grace of forgiveness to give strength to move on.

I have fears, so many insecurities. I feel unfit despite my life successes and book knowledge.

I crawled in bed last night and slept 13 hours. It feels like it wasn't enough. I will take today... a few hours under the sun. To pause. To seek solace. To forgive. To rejuvenate and find strength.

I s'ppose there is a celebration in new beginnings.... I understand that theoretically. But today...let me be.

This is the most difficult thing I think I've ever done.

I better go put on my black dress now.

5 comments:

mavis sidebottom said...

My divorce comes through next month Im having a party.

doreenmary said...

Mavis, I admire your strength. Doreen

Anonymous said...

I think Mavis has been through it more than once, and all she really wants from a man is sex. -blu

Roger D. Curry said...

Pippa passes, babe.
R

mavis sidebottom said...

and money blue , and money ;) It does help if you really can't stand the person you are divorcing

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