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Life's Riddles and Private Thoughts NOT shared.

Today I had a wonderful longass phone conversation with my oldest friend (oldest in terms of length of time we've been friends, not age) and it is such a wonder that is so easy to reconnect on a level of understanding so intimate and trusted, so quickly, despite time apart for so long. Our childhood friends are precious because they know our history. It is difficult for a true friend to judge us or ever condemn us--they know our hearts to its core. It's a sisterhood and it never betrays. Thank God for old friends!

She read my blog and was perplexed by the latest entry. And I realized now how cryptic it sounded. This is because over the past couple of years there is somewhat of a censorship taking place as a I blog, realizing my responsibility to my students who may be reading this . Although I still spew or pontificate here often, I save some of the internal chaos or personal life drama for my private journal hidden in my bedroom. I have learned that the details of life are often uninteresting to most. My private thoughts or revelations are meaningful only to me. This, of course, is a humbling recognition.... you mean I'm not as important as I think I am? Heh.

Since divorcing, now realizing I have joined the human race of flawed characters, sinners and failures.... I have grown to see my actions as not necessarily mistakes, but learning opportunities and challenges. As I seek my way through life, stumbling...bumbling along and screwing up or finding myself at loss, teary eyed, what-have-you....it's just human experience, somewhat ordinary too, although when anything happens to the "self" it is of major importance, isn't it? And I sometimes write of the feelings, not the exact situation leading to my woes....and so it seems I may leave readers a bit confused as to what the hell is going on in my head..in my world...what sometimes brings me to such strongly stated outbursts.

Suffice to say that each day I feel like I am learning and becoming closer to the woman I aspire to be...even in the face of errors, even in the loss or abandonment of things I once held so dearly. Life changes in an instant, and things you once trusted to be forever...aren't forever any more. And when you find yourself alone..in the quiet... you face your demons, you face your God, you deal with who you really are...not with the image of who you think you are or how others see you. The truth is the truth.

So, the meaning of this blog post is simply this.... my message here isn't always clear. But I am OK...really, my friends. In fact, there are certainly many pockets of happiness in my life amid transition.

Email me confidentially if you ever want to talk privately. There's a censorship here that perhaps wasn't a few years ago... my world is smaller now and I am learning things.

Love,

Doreen

1 comments:

Roger D. Curry said...

". . . my message here isn't always clear . . ."

I can live with that, babe. Write on.

Love, R

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