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Reflections of a Struggling Divorcee'

I absolutely despise the word, Divorcee'. I recently heard a man describing an "attractive woman.... you know," he said, "a divorcee'" To me, it conjures up the image of a shrew who couldn't keep a marriage together and is freshly single (er....horny?) and ready to spread her legs to the the first woody that literally arises before her. I know that's pretty crass to say, but still... that's how I feel. That's what I think when I hear that word.

I'm sipping a glass of wine... just got home from a long drive alone, listening to my fave radio show, Delilah, which always has heartwarming stories of love and loss accompanied by meaningful songs. And lyrics and tempos touch the soul and make me want to write. My head is full of thoughts tonight.

As you know, my blog has been tamed from its original display of rants and four-letter words ... why? for a public self must always be considered. I blog less and journal privately more frequently, and I find myself as a DIVORCEE having more and more reflections to speak on... life lessons, issues, emotions I never before knew. But these are displaced here, maybe a tad negative, too, so I've hand written in leather bound books hidden....

As I drove tonight, I got a sinking feeling of one day dropping dead and my kids finding my handwritten journal and knowing things I think and feel that are a tad extreme. And so, tonight, I got rid of those journals and am starting a (still highly expressive and honest and real) private online diary/journal, one that is password protected that I can use. And all this friggen security, but my writing is my therapy. I am compelled to write, write, write. In the words of a fine and wonderful author:

"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."

— Joan Didion

I have always believed in living an authentic life and revealing such to otheres. In exposing my warts (so to speak), I realize this involves risk for judgment, but if I somehow resonate with another human being, then there is meaning in that communication, meaning AND enrichment. And I think it is a basic human need to seek in another some form of connection in understanding, trust and compassion... and I know that one of my gifts from God is to be able to reach out to others humbly and extend a hand to love and accept. Only the thing is... unfortunately, I feel awfully alone in this DIVORCEE status and redefining a life, as it were. Thoughts too deep too share, pain too scary to admit here. And when I speak of this, it is not of the loss of spouse.... for the right things have happened... but it is the coming out of the old life, into the new, and redesigning existence that makes sense for me.

I've come to realize that some emotions and feelings and thoughts are far too scary for others in my world to hear or deal with.... and these are "private" thoughts which I desperately need to purge, but I've learned these things need not burden another. It is enough to write for self, reflect, grow through reading it later... seeking answers through repeated messages and themes which emerge and identifying new paths for healing old wounds or seeing trends that need curtailing and/or redirection. I am grateful for my psychology background. Doctor....heal thyself! Yet knowing the textbook answers isn't quite the same as feeling the human feelings felt as one takes the necessary steps towards change.

It is Valentine's Day... not ordinarily a day about which I ever cared a great deal. My 15 year old daughter received a bouquet of flowers delivered to her from a boy... I am so glad for that and hope there are many more such surprises in her world. In 44 years, I have never had flowers delivered by a florist and, I know... I know... who cares... but still, being newly divorced... one can't help but reflect a bit on the aloneness today, wondering what it would truly be like to ever know what is it to be romanced and adored as if I were the only woman for someone. I know my friends love me.... yada, yada, yada... you know what I'm saying. I'm talking OVER THE TOP adoration, cherish, love you'd die for....

And let it be known, too, that on Valentine's Day, I mean not to put down efforts by my ex.... he brought me candy at times and clipped fresh roses from our garden and put them in a vase, or picked up flowers at Publix. And my mom always sends cards... and even a friend or two sent me an e-card (thank you!). This isn't some "woe is me" diatribe and I don't mean to sound ungrateful. To the contrary, I am speaking from a new position as DIVORCEE.... and remembering my mother saying to me.... "your glamour years are over now." And so.... turning 44 this past week, certainly adds to this unattractive feeling of being someone who couldn't keep her life in order or make a relationship with a man work... It is possible I may never ever succeed, be loved... maybe I can't attract that kind of soulful love I only write about, but maybe I don't even believe in that shit any more on some level of rebuttal to the Divorcee status. Perhaps it is a passing stage. Perhaps I am or will be an old cranky bitty.

And so as I close from these ramblings... I shall now journal much more in private, where my thoughts roll freely, sometimes in poems, along with some tears, and where no one can call me crazy or depressed or cynical.... just me, working through private thoughts. It is a quest to find the purpose -- the meaning of my life... the ways in which I can give back to others and make something positive, and get beyond what I associate with the word--the definition--Divorcee.

Right now, on Valentine's Day, I am just a struggling divorcee.


sheila222 said...

As someone fast approaching 55 with joint issues and body parts permanently gone, 44 was pretty good :). Things don't necessarily look smaller in the rear view mirror. Doreen, I think as far as being a divorcee, all of who are currently married can safely say I think, there but for the grace of inertia go I. You are putting your head down and one foot in front of the other, working towards goals,,,what more can anyone ask of you or you of yourself?


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