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Romantic Notions: Monogamy, Intense Intimacy and Soulmate-ism

I went out to dinner with friends tonight. Though a rare event for me...This is always enlightening--as I am a recluse who gets wrapped up in the black & white perceptions about how life ought to be.... a dreamer... an optimist and romantic... so easily disillusioned about the truth of the world in which we live. I enjoy banter about the visions that others have of life, particularly on the topic of love and romance.. as that is the subject of my research and dissertation. Also, being a romance author, it is who I am--to the core--the great romantic.

Others' thinking fascinates me. As I listen, I come to realize my own distorted visions and twistedness. On this topic, perhaps this is where I am wayyyyyyyyyyyyy extreme in my thinking.

Although I have not experienced storybook romance in my life, sadly, I have always dreamed of it. I imagine some sort of utopia in a male/female relationships that I have come to realize is delusional and most likely impossible to achieve...but it's the stuff I think of when I write fiction. It's the stuff I dream of when I hear music, read poetry... or sleep. There's a hole inside of me unfilled. There's a want so great... perhaps it will only come in afterlife for its intensity and depth has never been something any man I've known is strong enough to toy with. The passion is comparable to a black widow spider, I've been told. Call it insanity, if you will. I don't see it as such... it is as raw and pure as honey and just because it is unshared does not mean it is not worthy of respect... for it is very real and I can channel its energy into my studies, my work, my writing.... and that's exactly what I do. For sometimes in life... we don't always get our needs met, but we can get some things we need and do the best with what we have. I think I do that.

There's a love... a perfection I imagine in my meditations, in my most private thoughts... the things which movies show us, which bring tears to our eyes and goosebumps to the skin. The little girl idealizations I've formed were never quite outgrown. Deep, passionate love... It's all fiction.. there is no such thing, except what is often referred to as "temporary insanity". As life smacks us with hard truths, we come to realize as clear as the fact that there is no santa claus, so, too is no lasting true love. Oh, I'd love someone to dispute me on that... please do comment.

Damn--these facts I know as my own experience (albeit limited) make me sad.

I imagine... a partnership founded on trust, that you know you will always be highly regarded and represented with dignity in all things, even when your guy isn't with you. Cheating is unfathomable. And to me, cheating doesn't mean JUST penis enter vagina, but cheating means even the hint of thought of another in a seductive way. When you love someone, you don't flirt or carry on discussions, exchange ideas or show off of things saved for the beloved. Sex is love... to me at least. It's sacred... it can be naughty and alternative... but it's exclusive. If you need to "get off"and you're alone, then you do it alone for its physical release, but your save the hottest heat of the sexual act for "the one".... you never use another body to exploit. You don't engage and tease others when you love another.. for that is being unfaithful.

OK... I've struck a nerve in some of you. I know this because at dinner with friends, I noted the reaction. It became apparent to me what a dinosaur I am. How black & white I see things... how truly square I am.

I believe in things like monogamy, having no secret life online or otherwise, admitting to weaknesses... we all have impure thoughts... you share them and work through them. There are no secrets in love. You are exposed completely to the core and that can be humbling, but in that humility is truth and intimacy... and you do your best to accept the other fully given their humility.. wherein lies differences, you care enough to step up and make behavioral changes to be better not just for the one you love, but to be a better man or woman. And tears aren't weakness.. no, NEVER... tears are the heart's expression. They should be understood as the most intimate and passionate expressions... why it is in this society that tears are perceived as negative is beyond me.

To love... fully... to care... forever and ever and totally....These things are easy... it's a commitment and it seems so natural.

So I ask...

Why don't people love MORE? Why? Why? Why? Why is that so hard in this world so void of any kind of moral fiber?

Is it any wonder that I'd rather be alone than among the shallow?

Do I stand alone in my thinking?


Jilly said...

i don't personally care what other people do as long as i don't have to hear about it. i do generally frown on people who hurt others with their need to copulate any which way, but i don't usually say anything to anyone about my frowning.

my family is mostly crazy conservative, so when my little sister left her husband for a married couple a few months back, i could literally see a large pile of shit hitting a fan in slow motion during thanksgiving dinner.

i don't agree with her choices, mainly that she didn't end it with her spouse before she started the thing with the married people and caused a great deal of damage and destruction. her ex spouse had his people on the side too, but two wrongs don't make a right. yadda yadda.

my personal beef with the whole "living in sin" (momma's words) with a married couple is that said couple have children who now refer to my sister as their mommy. those poor kids don't need to be sucked into that sea of dysfunction, and it is, because even though the three of them are together, they brag about group sex with other married couple or threesomes stopping by for some fun.

my petty beef is that they have to talk about their sexual acts, make out at family events and act pissy when no one wants to go to their sex toy parties. oh, and the wife portion of the married couple doesn't own clothing that covers tits or ass. at an event in december, she sneezed and her nipples poped out of her top and later on bent over and showed her ass and vagina, as she wears mini skirts and no panties. really classy.

i had to hold it in hard when she was bitching that her business isn't taking off and wondering why. she owns a baking business, and people don't want to buy baked goods from holly the happy hooker who looks like she spreads VD and leaves customers guessing just how she makes her "dough."

if you want to study them for your sex dissertation, i'll give you their number, they seem really well versed in the subject.


Paul Farol said...

I'd say, you're not alone.

Spidey said...

to be honest, i think that the kind of love you describe is rare. it involves finding someone with whom all your needs are met, along with being able to fulfill their needs as well. and that is both mentally and physically. it is never a 50/50 deal. it is a 100% deal needing to come from both sides. one needs to be strong when the other is weak. one needs to be sane when the other goes crazy. it has to go both ways. when you have that perfect mix, it is easier to stay in love. always being the one to take care of everything gets tiring after a while. it is good to be the one taken care of every now and then. i like to think of loving someone like being able to jump off a cliff with that much trust of not dying when you hit the bottom. that might sound weird, but i think it has to be with that much abandonment.
i have been married for almost 31 years. i married my husband after only knowing him for 6 weeks. i took a chance. i was very young, but i knew myself. trust yourself.

Paula said...

Hi Doreen. No, you are not alone and although it seems as this sort of love is hardly obtainable anymore (if it ever was), it's really nice to sit and imagine what it might be like. I think it can still happen but it's few and far between. I have a couple of friends who have definitely found it (or something that resembles it) so it can happen.

P.S. I love the way you write. Where can I pick up some of your romance novels? I love that kind of stuff when I need to escape for a few hours. Thank you for posting this. I really enjoyed it (smile).

doreenmary said...

Jilly's ditty is entertaining... and as for the other comments, I gotta tell you how surprised, encouraged and pleased to know that romance still resonates with some folks. Maybe it's rare, maybe true love is some sort of unattainable ideal... but I feel so UN-alone right this instant to know some people (at least here at this blog) believe.

Thanks all for your comments.


mavis sidebottom said...

I think the romantic idea is probably responisble for at least as many failed marriages as cheating husbands but then I am an old cynic


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