Still.... it sucks that opportunities are limited. I understand the mentality that any employer could pay two to four 20 or 30-something year olds a quarter what a PhD would want--because not every daily task in a job is rocket science. As a consequence, the higher ed individual usually works jobs under their level for the best monies they can get, not always what they want. It wasn't supposed to be this way, but it is.

I think of my plight. And I'm 44 now. I should be finding ways to tuck money away before I'm really old. And I want to apply myself. To be MORE. I should find the best path for applying my skills. I want to make a difference.

So I gots me some bigass plans. To make a difference I need to define my own way, I think. Nobody is going to hand over big checks. I've got to blaze through my own path...

First, I want to publish my dissertation research results (on the psychology of romantic love) in an academic journal. I will then rewrite the findings in some sort of pop psychology book for individuals interested in what makes relationships work in the areas of passion, intimacy, and commitment. I would love to speak on the work to audiences of interest.

As an aside and for fun, I have and itch and a twitch to finish two novels I started a couple of years ago, one of which was entered into a writing contest and won first place, judged by an editor of Pocket Books, a subsidiary of Simon & Schuster... the big dog in publishing. I have several books in mind in the romance genre and womens contemporary fiction in which I want to weave plots with compelling characters having delightfully flawed personalities.... spin tales with psychological implications.

Heh. I can almost hear my mother's logical advice as I write this, "Get your head out of the clouds, Doreen, get a job that gives you a pension and enjoy your evenings. Stop inventing, dreaming... No more dreams!" And yet at the same time, she says to me, "You're the free spirit I could never be...." God we are influenced by what we hear...

I find the years creeping up on me and my focus being pulled away in so many different directions, mostly which involve the service to other people, from my kids to my home to my job and those dear friends who need me. In the recent year, I have traveled a path that has been a detour from my usual grindstone ways. I guess I have been influenced "post-divorce" that I need to find myself and get out there and engage people and new experiences because.... I think most of you know, I'd rather be in fuzzy slippers, alone, being a writing hack/geek than "out there". It's no lie I have had to be somewhat seduced or coerced to get out of my geekity and "too much college" mentality and make some new friends and go out. These have been rich experiences... yet I am who I am... so much quieter in my natural spirit.

One thing I've come to understand about my life is that I have a worldview that is so much better in its imagination than reality. I don't really get off on the adventures of real life stuff. Do I look like a people person? My happy place exists in recesses of my mind... yet... for the rare and beautifully patient friends who know me well.... they humor me. They know how exhausting I can be once given a "platform" to speak to them about what whirls in my head.... too much academia, too much psychobabble, too many life questions and "what if" this-or-that ponderings. You know who you are... you are reading this and still loving me despite my pain-in-the-assedness.

I think I have achieved too much education that on some level, I have alienated myself from some of the easy, shallower (I don't mean less valuable) experiences. By this I mean, I find it to be "pressure" when someone says to me, "Lighten up, just have fun." Ummmmm, what does THAT mean? Put a lampshade on my head? Drive around topless, singing Lady Gaga with the windows down? I think to some degree, that this is what people mean to say or expect. I can come off as being extraverted, even wild... though it's an exterior persona...it's authentic, but only to degree.

What if who I am is just a sad soul with the gift of knowing joy in the minutia of life that you can occasionally join with me for intimate and soulful connection? Is that such a bad thing? Who knows.

I am alone... both by choice and by virtue of the universe which surrounds my reality. I am not unhappy... I am a seeker and open and allowing my reality to evolve.

With great intentions.... I forge forward.