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Miss Independent

It's amazing about life "stuff" we go through... periods of transition, times of insecurity, confronting fears. We all have stages of life... And I find myself ending a significantly long period of learning and pain into a state of "being," into a state of acceptance about the ways thing are -- things I cannot change and the things I can embrace or influence or affect. Not a holy roller, but I do glean from inspired words - biblical (but which are also contemporary notions... remember Simon & Garfunkel?) I reflect:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 - From The Holy Bible (King James Version) Attributed to King Solomon

To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;

A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.

I have a vision for my future that I couldn't see for the past two years. I have let go of delusion and things which cannot be. Some of the things are things you may find to be so obvious and nonconflicting in your own life (perhaps you are farther along the journey than I). I have learned that there are no heroes and really, that you come into this world alone and you leave alone and you can't take it with you. The greatest contribution one can make in life is to live authentically and with conviction, finding meaning and being an example to others as a positive force. I had no idea until just now how important self-esteem is to healthy functioning. It is. And you can't buy it or borrow it, you have to find it... sometimes in the strangest of ways.

Who I am... who YOU are... who we all are.... are tremendous sparks of purpose. I remember the night in the hospital so long ago when I gave birth to my first baby, having heard the cries of mothers during childbirth through the night several doors down from my birthing room... that each life-bearing event was singularly meaningful and miraculous for that mother, and that a baby is a life given -- so cherished. Such hope! And yet, in our world, we scoff and judge and hate others -- as if these life forces were objects. I say this as I go back in my mind to sweeter philosophical moments when I had a grasp of "love and understanding" that was in touch and positive... and not a time of fear or self loathing for failures.... We can so quickly decline into abyss, believing we are nothing more than a pimple on the earth's ass if we allow the world to eat us up. My God! I let that happen for so long.

Oh, we are so much more! Like stones thrown in a river making a ripple, we have lasting impressions to make in this life. We can choose to emerge our own hero and inspire. I see people around me who don't even know their power and force (in my life) who, if believed in their own goodness, could set the world aflame. I realize, too, that I can always choose the "high road" and display my inner power, too. We cannot waste all that there is inside!

I don't know why it is that I've lived so long measuring my self worth based on other's opinions of me, but clearly and shamefully I have. I want to be liked and loved (sigh). Rejection always came hard for me. I loved more when my love was unwelcomed, and I hid from love when it came... some sort of fear of intimacy. And today... I believe I am able to love with the greatest affection to even those who cannot love back for they have it not within them. And I can forgive with ease... those who abandon good things in exchange for some compromised experience -- knowing they are on a journey, too. Sometimes we limp until we heal and can run again.

Perhaps I speak in riddles without giving specific examples of where my mind and heart are today... but the point is... I feel strong and powerful in my life just as it is, flawed as it is, with a vision for a future that surpasses any life experience I've ever known. My values, my zest, my care.... I am positioned for good things now without suffering or self-punishment any more. I am what I am. For crying out loud, I spent 45 years creating "me" and I have so much inside of me that I shall not live long enough to expend or tell or share or give. I am good.

It is important that I write and publish.... and this is becoming an urge so profound within me. It is not about glory or money or fame. It is who I am. My enormous journals and diaries are rich with thought. I am ready to make real the many dreams I've been too afraid to consider. There is nothing that can stop me.

This is the start of a new season of life for me. I feel it. And it feels soooo good.


mavis sidebottom said...

PMS dear?

doreenmary said...

Amazing, Alex. I hadn't even thought of that. Checked the Android App (called "My Days" which shows my cycle).... My God you're right! I'm about 3-4 premenstrual according to the chart. Wow.

Spidey said...

i am glad things are looking up for you.


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