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Couples: On Having A Friend In Which Sexual Tension Exists...

Hypothetical: You are sexually attracted to (or, if not conscious of... simply have chemistry with) someone with whom you interact on some frequency (e.g., a co-worker, a best friend's spouse, a neighbor, a former lover, whatever) but you are committed to someone else. Or, someone is sexually attracted to you with whom you interact regularly and you strongly sense it. On a conscious level it would be inappropriate to "go there" and maybe you haven't... Simply, something unsaid (but felt) is there between you. Maybe you taunt and tease... flirt, play but not touch... that sort of a thing. Maybe you even go to the edge a bit... chatrooms, text private jokes... etc. A heat is ever-present and you feel it, or he/she feels it, or you both feel it. Often in such cases, other people are aware of it, too.

Question: If your partner was attuned to the hypothetical situation with this sexual source and asked you curb your interaction with the person or give up the friendship all together (e.g., because the partner is insecure or feels threatened or senses danger)... would you honor your partner's request and curb your behavior? Would you be mad at your partner for "not trusting" you? Would you acquiesce/not acquiesce OR, instead fight for your independence to have any friends you want without their consent and tell them to "get over it"?

Another question: If your partner is the one with a lusty friend and you are the person who witnesses/senses the flirtations... would you feel concerned that temptation would lead them astray? Would you want to step in and do something to affect/minimize your partner's personal relationship with the other? Would you admit jealousy, would you ask your partner to dis his/her friendship with the lusty other? Or at least curb flirtations?

And More Questions: What if one partner asks the partner to cool it with the sexual source and the other partner REFUSES to cool it? Is this a breakdown of the relationship? Or is the one asking the other one to cool it simply a controlling baby?

Do any of these scenarios resonate with you?

I have not two, but three female friends who are living this dilemma right now, in which their male counterparts are engaging in some sort of private fun exchanges with a third party. Each of my friends is in relationship hell right now.

I can see the differing views on this: On one hand, how dare anyone tell a person who they can and cannot be friends with... right? If you're secure in your love, nothing should threaten your relationship. On the other hand... if a beloved senses danger and is hurting because of it... shouldn't there be some effort to recognize a problem exists that would be worthy of discussion, negotiation or attempt to mediate the problem?

Have you ever had this sort of a problem on either end of this spectrum? What happened? What did you do? What WOULD you do?

Remember the movie, When Harry Met Sally? It raised the philosophical question if men and women can be friends without there being sexual undertones. Here's the dialog. Please read and discuss...

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

AND... later in the movie,


Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

***

10 comments:

mavis sidebottom said...

I have a lot of male friends I was brought up with 4 brothers maybe that changes your view

doreenmary said...

Alex, Expound. Are you jaded?

Roger D. Curry said...

Now just WHERE did I leave my 10 foot pole?????????

mavis sidebottom said...

No i just dont look at every man as someone Im going to be having a relationship with.I get on with men spent the weekend with a mixed group including single men with whom Ive been friends for years and theres absolutely no sexual tension there at all.I tend to believe its women and men who have tickets on themselves who think that you cant just be mates with the opposite sex the ugly ducklings amongst us just get on with being friends

doreenmary said...

Roger... chicken shit.

Alex... You are not an ugly duckling. You know what you need, girlfriend? Shoes. New shoes.

Roger D. Curry said...

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm busy thinking up ways to put the hustle on Alex.

mavis sidebottom said...

strangely I bought new fuck me shoes today to make up for the fact I had to buy lesbian shoes for work :D

Spidey said...

ummmm. i don't think i better comment. ;)

Roger D. Curry said...

If a guy needs to see “fuck me shoes” to get his fire lit, he’s one pathetic SOB. Moses writing parking tickets, the fashion industry hoses you girls more than a virile hunk like me ever thinks of.
Love, Valentino

mavis sidebottom said...

No rog these are shoews that have heels so high that when your friends see you "they say fuck me how do you walk in those?"

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