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Confronting Self

I wonder if it's a post-divorce thing.. if everyone goes through some sort of self-evaluation and redetermination about what's important and if it ain't... starts ditching things that suck, especially what seems to be toxic in life. My world has not only shrunk (shrank?) physically, having lost in-laws and mutual couple friends from marriage, but I find myself getting smaller and smaller in self-concept and more and more humble in my new world. Confidence is shot to hell right now, which is something I miss most.

Not only do I just want to be alone... I honestly don't think I'm capable of trusting again. I certainly don't believe at 43 years or beyond that age that another chance for love is possible. Maybe that's narrow, but I really feel my heart closing up to the very concept. Would that really be such a bad thing? I mean... I have so much fulfillment in my children, my research, writing, artsy-fartsy desires. What's wrong with spinsters? I will make a lovely one.

I am a recluse. Sorry, but that's the damn truth. I followed friendly advice to "get out," have a few beers. Laugh. Cut loose. Did it. Quite a few times. Hullow. I get hangovers after 3 wines. Spending $30 on myself out... it all seems such a waste of make-up. I'm not 20 years old, people, and NOT looking for a date, a fuck or a husband. I don't "get it"... don't need or want. Don't want....Don't believe. It's all so stupid.

I think I'm in a very dark place....

7 comments:

Spidey said...

i suggest you do things that make you happy. it doesn't have to be entertaining a man or being entertained by one. don't get sucked into the dark place. this is the time for you to be YOU. if sitting home watching old movies makes you happy, then do it. go window shopping. that is free. don't give up. don't feel pressured to do anything at all. there is freedom in that.

doreenmary said...

good words, Spidey.

Jilly said...

i agree with spidey. you'r ekids are old enough that you don't need to be constantly watching them and now that you're single, you've only yourself to please. life is too short to make everyone else happy. if you don't thin you will love someone else like you loved your ex or you don't want to, then don't worry over it. who cares what other people think about your relationships or lack thereof? just don't become the old bitter lady who sits in her house living iin filth thinking of ways to punish the nieghborhood children. no one should ever become like that.

jilly

mavis sidebottom said...

damn jilly you just ruined my plans for retirement

Anonymous said...

I know what you need...a dose of someone else's misery. Cheers me right up!!!

Find someone that needs your comfort and throw yourself into someone else's shoes for a minute. Your shoes might feel a little better once you return :)

doreenmary said...

Love the responses. Thanks.

Jilly said...

alex,

you would NEVER be an old cat lady like i was imagining when i posted before. maybe an old dog lady? is there such a thing? but i don't think old dog ladies would wallow in filth being mean to children. i see old dog ladies giving everyone hell, in a good way and full of life, like the old woman in "fried green tomatoes."

jilly

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