You know what? A lot of well-meaning folks like to tell me how I can be "better".

If only I lost 20 pounds I'd be "hot". Well maybe I don't want to be "hot". Just maybe I like how I look.

Some people say I'm undisciplined. I'm often late, I speak out with passion and intensity when I feel it is necessary. Good Lord, I've even cried in front of important people when I am sad!

I stomp my feet when I'm mad and I'll write a seething letter to company when their product sucked and I feel robbed.

I won't leave a tip and I'll tell a waitress why. And if she doesn't fill up my coffee cup, I'll go behind the counter and pour it myself.

I'll quit a job over a matter of integrity.

I'll use the "f" word just for impact.

But I forgive easily, forget something bad even faster. And I love with all passion and all my heart, that is if a person will LET me love them.

People don't "GET ME" and for years I've fought the image, caring far too much what folks think. Changing it up and taming this shrew-like behavior to fit the culture. But it's all for not. Because truth is, we are what we are.

Good God, sometimes it feels like I'm in a foreign land...another planet, where nobody speaks my language. It sucks so bad sometimes.

I'm tired of the criticism. I'm tired of the phony baloney. But I shall be phoney baloney because this is the culture in which we live. Because I need a job. Because it is better to be loved than hated. Because sometimes you have to eat shit. Because it's NOT ABOUT ME, even though sometimes I want it to be.

But I can still dream my dream...that one day I can be just me. And it will not matter what others think of me, but it will only matter what I think of me. Oh, to be so strong, to not care so much...I wish I were totally there, but there is far to go.

Until then, I am moved by the hopefulness of one day leading a rich authentic existence. To be loved and respected just becasue. I have come to know that I will be alone in my old age and I've come to terms that that's how it ought be...an old lady in a cottage with too many cats and lots of artwork in a reclusive part of the country, hopefully with children who still care to come visit me. The good thing is, I will be me and it will be good...when I can have that. And I will one day, because I intend to make it happen ON MY OWN BY MYSELF as soon as possible. I am already on my way...

This poem inspires me...

WARNING: When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

Warning: When I am an old woman
I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickles for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.