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Thoughts on Private Thoughts Kept Secret...

First on an off-topic, let me say this.... I completed my comprehensive exams and turned them in 9 minutes early on Monday. I will throw up if I have to look at it again, unless it comes back with markups for let's just put the topic behind us and move on. Just a quick thank you to Roger for the sweet phone message and those who wrote comments/emails to me of words of encouragement and support. Few people understand the intensity and gravity of such effort. OK, I'm shutting up about that most tiresome topic.

On Thoughts on Private Thoughts...MOST SECRET...

As you all know, I'm a the top? Overthinker? Obsessive-compulsive? Well, I have always found it therapeutic to write personal thoughts in a journal, and, in so doing, I find it to be healing and sometimes revealing, I s'ppose, to a degree. There is nothing quite like a leatherbound book of nice pages and a really flow-y pen, head propped up in bed and scribbling away on some nonsense... notes to self...most private of private thoughts...where you just let go and get it all out...all the pain...angst...frustration. These pages are soooooooooo not for anyone else's eyes. This whole thing is just for "ME".

Here's the cool thing... I can go back to the journal a year later and re-read it and see what an ass I was, or how narrow I was, or how I grew out of a difficult situation. It is enlightening to reflect on the past to see the present and the future and realize that even though often it "seems" things stay the same, the human mind and spirit is continually journeying and improving. So, my journal is a way for me to capture those times of growth and really make life more meaningful.

In being honest in my writing, however, it isn't such a pretty thing. This is not to say I am filled with unkindnesses, although, heh, I am human and flawed, so there is certainly some of that, as well as selfishness, childishness, etc. Anyway...I pour it out.

But unlike books that go to publishing, or emails to friends, journals are not edited to be politically correct. There is no delete button, you are writing...just going to town. So the stuff is raw and unfit for outsider consumption.

It occurred to me last night, as I poured out my soul onto teardrop stained pages... OMG, what if I die? Who will find this book and read it and then really know the freak I am? Soooooo....

I consulted my sister. She also journals. She told me her secret hiding place and that only one person has been entrusted to retrieve it and destroy it upon her death. Her secret spot just doesn't feel comfortable with me and I wouldn't make such a spot for my secret place.

Any ideas from y'all about thoughts on keeping private thoughts secret? Where is a good hiding place?



Mat said...

D -

Get a safe. Lock the journal away and don't fret if it gets found upon your demise. The truths held within may prove to be an epiphany to those who read them and ultimately make a positive & profound difference in their lives. Besides, those closest to you already know waaaay more than you want them to or think they do.

M -

Jilly said...

i don't really journal, but waaay many years ago, at the FRIST bookshelf blog site, i'd randomly come across an old entry and then after a bit, i'd either say "this person can really write" or "wtf was this person thinking?" then i'd realize it was mine.


doreenmary said...

Jilly, what's the status of the bookshelf?

Mat, oh, say it isn't so! I would hate to think those closest know waaay more than I want them to.

Jilly said...

doreen, we've split into 2 sites recently: the cool table and the rest (snort). no really, there is no cool table, and if there were, i'd not be a member. i'll never be cool. I visit both sites and do my own thing, as i always have, although there are some people who i could do without reading, c'est la vie.

here are the links:

the general site is

the other site is

hope to see you around.


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