Blog Archive

My Fine and Dainty Ass & My Mental State

There is far too much push in society to take some mood-numbing pill to destressify and "act right" in accordance with proper and professional decorum. Don't run with scissors. Behave and God forbid, don't tell anyone you're going through some shit right now! So, I'll admit, during the last year of separation through the divorce and home move and alllll life changes, I, too, tried the little blue pills (just makes you loopy)... and I got on Cymbalta so I wouldn't feeeel it all and could act like I had it all together. And when life threw me more crap, the dosage was increased.... at my urging, not even the doc's... because that's what the pharmaceutical commercials say.... and that's what we do in 2009--pop a pill and wait for it to kick in.

And what good is any of that? To mask the journey and exploration of life's hardships as if we're NOT supposed to go through it? Wrong.

There is only one way out of the chaos and it is to go through it all. Allow the mind and heart to experience it and grow. If our friends and loved ones can't stay by our side through it, then the relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with... but to mask, to hide, to cover up simply delays the inevitability of what must happen.... which is living with the cards dealt and finding original solutions not based on someone's else's protocol, but defining life for one's self... regardless of what others say is proper.

I don't have to defend (to please someone else or soothe my ego) how I live today or what my goals are. Heck, you, my beloved blog readers (most of whom I've never met) have been cyberly kicking my ass to do this for years... to recognize that all is normal and as it should be and to quit overanalyzing and diagnosing myself with some extreme thing.

I just saw my doc for an annual. As an aside (which isn't really important., really) Something's amiss and I need to go get (my first) colonoscopy.. Oh, Joy... but I'm fine with that and what will be will be and I am not at all worried. More importantly, the doc and I spoke of getting off these alleged anti-crazy pills (Cymbalta). My new program is to go to a half-dosage for several weeks until going off them completely. So I started the new dosage. Within days, I note quite a difference in demeanor, thought processes and sleep patterns. Oh God, I already feel better and saner. I learned from my doctor that various symptoms can arise which actually can make one hyper instead of calm if a dosage is too much. An opposite effect if the dose is too high.. affecting sleep patterns and mood responses.

Within just a few days of reducing the anti-anxiety meds, I am serene. Life issues remain present, and I feel them, but with greater clarity and less intensity. I feel closer to my confident self I once was, able to sort through what felt overwhelming only a week ago. And dammit... if I can ascertain that these anti-anxiety meds have made me worse over time instead of better, then I will be back on this blog advocating natural course of problem-solving and experiencing tough times with self-control rather than chemical solutions.

Anyway, staying the course.... I will report back. I see the butt doc on Monday about the colonoscopy. I welcome anyone's shared experience about what to expect.

This weekend I have an all-day off-site faculty meeting with multiple campuses. On my dissertation work, I am resubmitting a section of my proposal for committee approval (lots of red tape), and I am working on database cleansing for my marketing job. By the way... has anyone used MS Dynamic (a contact management system)? We are moving away from ACT! software because it is inefficient and insufficiently supported. Your thoughts on that welcomed.

God I feel good today.

Happy weekend folks!


Spidey said...

i am glad you are feeling again.

you need to share this shit sooner so we can really know what is going on with you. damn it woman!

Spidey said...

p.s. good luck on the colonoscopy.

they will look up your ass to see if your hat is on straight. i hope it is.

mavis sidebottom said...

Ive never been on the happy pills which may explain why I am such a miserable cow i like to feel even if i feel shit. speaking of shit I hope you have a happy colonoscopy

Jilly said...

i have cysts allover my ovaries that, when i am not on birth control, cause wild mood swings. i even had the things when i was pregnant, as the 15 sonograms show.

this was when i was 22, btw. when the doctors figured out why i was going crazy randomly, they put me on zoloft for 3 months with a double dose of BCP to get all my hormones back in line. i recall the check-up with the doctor after being on the hormones and zoloft for a few monhts. my guy kissed the doctor on the cheek and said he wanted to send her flowers.

after 3 months on zoloft, i went off and lessened the bcp to the normal dose and i was much better. it was horrible losing control of myself and knowing that i was hurting people i love and myself with my inability to control my emotions. i don't know if just talking to someone would have worked the same as popping a pill, but i do know i never want to feel that out of control again.

i have only felt as bad as that right after i had mandolin. i was getting my hair cut and this woman said something to piss me off. i swallowed it, but then she proceeded to fuck up my hair. i was shaking i was in such a rage. i had tears streaming down my face and i wanted to puke after picking up her scissors and stabbing her in the throat. instead of doing that, i got up and just walked out of the salon.

look, if you need some pills, take them, if you don't want them, don't. and lord knows, if talking to someone is what you need, go talk to someone.

but let it be known, if you have the urge to stab someone in the throat, just don't do it, it's okay to take a happy pill instead.

alex, i saw a comedian once who said she had several kids (she used some nasty language to describe them as only a mother can). she went to the dr to complain about her nerves and he prescribed some pills. at the check up he asked how it was going and she said it was great, one pill knocks them all right out and she feels better. the doctor then explained to her that the pills were for her not the kids.


doreenmary said...

Jilly, you nut! That was a funny joke.

OK.. y'all saw my latest blog post. My ass is still virginal from the doc's probing. I'll update you soon.

Oh, and I'm doing rather well on the decreased happy pills. Clarity is a fine thing. Confidence returning... the bitch is coming 'round!