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Why I Haven't Blogged & Other Dribble

Thanks for the birf-day cards and warm wishes.

I am working on a new attitude that is stronger inside, quieter outside. Only I forget the quieter outside bit far too often, bringing my closest beloveds into my web of my homemade darkness, disappointment in the human spirit, the defeats and hopelessness which I strive to replace with more positive assessment. Damn. I am such an open book to others and I so admire people who either do not feel at all or who wear a mask... unfortunately, that is not me and I do think it is genetic, not learned.

I am hiding. For of late I feel intensity of disappointments.

It is important to take care of one's self, for when you live alone (so to speak), nobody emerges a hero to make sure you do that. I am doing this...

I did break the 12 year record and finally went to the movie theater--ALONE--and it was good and I loved loved loved and highly recommend the movie, He's Just Not That Into You. It's a fabulous chick flick about friendship and love and getting real.

I might go to the movies tomorrow morning and see what's new playing...again. And heck, maybe i'll make every Friday "my" day.... for the 2 hours of escape is a beautiful thing.

I have the greatest sister in the world to whom I can confess my deepest life issues and she rarely judges, except when she does, she is almost always correct in her take on things. My world of friends is deep, but probably far too small in number (which accounts for its depth,) for my investment of worry for them and love probably exceeds a normal range and I shoulder their personal issues, always wanting to fix them, and getting in too deep. Like now. And I feel myself buried under a heavy weight of over-care and the damn co-dependency tendency I recognize as my downfall. Some things cannot be fixed or healed, especially in other's lives and I find it ever so hard to let go and admit defeat... and without giving details, this is where my head is at right now... a hard place and I know some things I need to let go of, but my heart breaks to think of such.

I know. I know. I make no sense. It's all dribble. Life is quite bullshit. I know this, though... I am optimistic about the future. I am glad I am alone right now for I am unlovable and perhaps even angry at life.

I will write more this weekend...

oxoxoxo

3 comments:

alex said...

stop trying to change its pointless you are what you are, start sticking round people who like what you are and screw everyone else

doreenmary said...

I love you, alex, and you are right. The thing is I haven't found my people yet. I'm like a cat playing with dogs. Fun, but not quite cat-like.

Spidey said...

never tell alex you are cat-like. she may never speak to you again. :)

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