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The Trouble with Lust and Love & Thoughts on the Final Rose Ceremony

So. Last night was the final rose ceremony on ABC's, The Bachelor, wrapping up Season 13 until tonight's epilogue, which is another not-to-be-missed event.

Kelly and I sat on my bed, big-eyed and dipping our spoons in vanilla ice cream stirred with milk, screaming at TV set at the sheer madness and seeming injustice of it all.

For those of you who missed this season, here's the brief synopsis: Bachelor Jason meets 25 gorgeous women he dates first in groups, then individually, as he narrows down his preferences by offering a rose to those girls he keeps each week, booting off the others. When it gets down to the final two, Melissa and Molly... he meets their families, the two girls meet his parents and son... they do overnight dates. He has to choose. Both girls are lovely, smart, sincere and both found themselves deeply in love with him.

He chose Melissa and proposed marriage and she said, "Yes". It was beautiful and fairy tale like... and for those who think it's all bullshit, couples on this show have married and had kids and remain together happily. But then during this episode, in a twist of all twists, a few months go by since the filming and Jason has regrets... he is still craving Molly, with whom he had quite a physical connection and affection for during the season (I thought all along he preferred her)... but Melissa was irresistible in her raw and earthy and open loving way... so pure and honest and beautiful and good...the perfect girl, so it's no wonder he chose her. So.. the engaged Melissa and Jason try to make the engagement work from a distance until she could move to Seattle to be with him.

Jason claims he was open and honest with Melissa over ensuing months. In phone conversations he told her he wasn't feeling connected to her anymore because of his angst and want of Molly. They spoke less and less until this show where they would again come together.

Meanwhile, Molly and Jason hadn't spoken and Molly is picking up her life again after some serious heartache about losing Jason.

The three return to the TV studio for the After the Rose Ceremony episode and Jason breaks up with Melissa in front of the cameras. Melissa gives him the ring back and whispers, "Bastard," and tells him he never gave her a chance and he never fought for them. Melissa walks off the stage. Tears. It was awful!

Enter Molly... who speaks to the host about her recovery from the loss of Jason. Jason appears back on stage, says to Molly he still loves her, he had to break the engagement with Melissa because of it, and they decide to work it out. Tonight is the epilogue since that filming to see how the two are doing.

OK... comments...

When Jason switched girls last night, he represented that he didn't want to have any regrets in his life and felt compelled to pursue the "what ifs" with Molly at the price of breaking Melissa's heart. This is not only wrong from a moral basis, but dangerously irresponsible.

This man should have gotten counseling to sort through his confusion. Jumping from one chick to the next and then back again like a rubberband simply gives him no time for pause. He is inappropriately searching for security wherein none exists. He is acting from his lower level functioning and while he perceives that he is being authentic and defends that position, he is not recognizing the harm and hurt he has caused these two women, not to mention his little boy who is all of I think 4 years old and was about to gain a step-mother in Melissa.

One of the philosophical questions from this show (and why I like it so much) is that it challenges the heart, mind and spirit, not only of the participants, but the viewers. Based on my psychological research on passion, intimacy and commitment, I believe it is very possible to love more than one person at the same time and to feel extreme passion for both. But the limited capacity of humans makes it disastrous to try to split off and share intimacy equally between competing passion sources. What ultimately happens in the case of multiple loves is that one woman would become "friend" and the other soar to a higher status in the relationship... this is the natural evolution.

What makes "romantic love" a beautiful thing is the exclusivity of it. On some level, the monogamy becomes a "choice," even though the originating source to spark the relationship was based on feeling and compulsion to do so and seemed to be a drive, not a choice.

Think of this... you are shopping for a car for months and finally find the right model, features, color and you buy it and love it. At that point, shopping for another car is ludicrous... you've found and now own what you fell in love with and what you commit to now--this car-- is to be... for a long time. Having doubts or buyer's remorse may be natural, but this is why we have BRAINS to help our hearts sort through the egocentrism of having more, better, bigger.... It becomes a choice and a commitment.

Maybe that's a bad analogy. People aren't cars or possessions. However, there is a principle here... and maybe we treat our property better than we do others. The unkindnesses, the selfishness, the "all about me" and fulfillment of human pleasure... how can anyone watch this show and not ponder more deeply?

This show saddened me... for as a romantic, I like to think of the notion of happily ever after. People don't want to work for things... And who ever said love should be easy? Loving is the easy part.... it's the glue... but that doesn't mean one can sit on his or her ass and just reap rewards.. there is a reality factor and a constant affirmation that needs to be done to nurture the relationship.

That's alls I gots to say... but let's see what tonight's special follow up episode brings.



Anonymous said...

Here's just a small sampling of what fans had to say in Television Without Pity's forums immediately following the three-hour finale. Jason, pray that your adorable little son Ty doesn't know how to use the Internet, because there's plenty more where this came from:

"Molly, you’re next. I give it a few months before he just has to follow his heart again (a.k.a. dump you)." – goddessrin

"It was all appalling on some level--was it necessary to do all this on the air--but I actually groaned, 'Oh, Molly,' when she started making out with him. Bad enough the way the whole thing played out, but to start with the face-sucking at that point?" – Kmax

"Melissa showed a lot of class." – 007Girl

"That was the biggest vat of Velveeta I've ever seen." – TooMuchFreeTime

"Am I the only one thinking that was totally fake? I had friends arguing with me on how real it is." – Laurie4H

"Jason is such a pig. Changing your heart is one thing, doing it on national television is another. AND hooking up with a girl within an hour of dumping your fiancĂ©e . UGH. I wish him much unhappiness." – Wrong Heaven

"I have never thought this before about her, but tonight I realized Molly is an actress. Her confused look when Jason told her he wants her back and everything after that was right out of a soap opera." – Carus

"I thought Melissa handled the whole thing great. She kept her dignity while also expressing what a bastard Jason is." – agockows

"Jason had every right to change his mind, but breaking it off in front of the cameras is a new low. Molly, congrats, honey. You 'won.' I think it'll become really clear really soon just what a 'prize' he isn't." – Mamabisi

"Molly is just a poor example of what unfortunately many girls have become these days. A boy does all the wrong things to someone else but maybe I can change him so I'm going to take him back because hey, I'M MOLLY and no guy walks away from me. Well, he did walk away from you and who's to say in six weeks he won't be backing up to call Jillian?" – nymetsgirl22

"Jason's 15 minutes for me expired about two hours ago. He's a loser. Molly's a fool for agreeing to anything other than a cup of coffee for old time's sake. There's no future in that relationship because, really, the guy can't tell the truth unless it's dragged out of him and that will destroy any relationship he's in." – becca656

"And total ewwwwwww when they started making out at the end. Yeah, Melissa's body wasn't even cold yet and they were pawing each other." – weezer95

"Jason, you have seriously underestimated how people will react to what you did just now but I suspect you'll find out quickly enough. Good luck, Molly! Oh, one other thing - consider this: Melissa will move on and find a decent guy who will treat her right. Meanwhile, every time you and Jason have problems or get into a fight, you'll be left wondering if his silence means he's thinking about how he made a mistake with you and regretting letting Melissa go." – The Closer

"As the single mom of 2 girls, who is getting back into dating after a divorce, it makes me SICK that he would bring Melissa into Ty's life for 6 weeks, including holidays, and then yank her out and bring Molly in. He didn't mention Ty ONCE tonight." – brgrayduck

"Jason needs therapy before he commits to anyone else. He's clearly very needy and confused, and should probably not be getting engaged to anyone at this point. I think he has maturity issues too." – DebbieM

Jason is such a jerk. How could he immediately go from breaking off his engagement with Melissa to kissing Molly mere minutes after? And no tears for Melissa, the woman he was just engaged to, while he had this huge emotional reaction after he rejected Molly?" – Coco79

"I honestly could not believe my eyes, watching that circus. I people have NO shame? To have these kinds of personal things televised? What have we come to? On the one hand, great drama to watch...on the other, I feel dirty for even participating." – PetuniaP

"I hope Jason's ex-wife is out hiring a lawyer to try to get full custody of Ty." – Whataconcept

"Wow, that was good television. I was genuinely surprised. I had the same freeze frame, deer in headlights look that Molly had." -- TrebledTimes

Roger D. Curry said...

I would like to say that monogamy is a choice, and that for each of us, there is a perfect love, and such a thing as "happily ever after."

That is what I would like to say. When I try to utter those words, they stick in my throat like a chicken bone and gag me, and I experience anew the unspeakable gut avulsing of this whole thing called love.


doreenmary said...

Dear Roger, I owe you a thoughtful email response. I am not ignoring you. I don't do anything half-assed, so I'd rather be late and thorough, than shallow and timely. More soon.... hang in there.

Pee pee passes. (heh)


mavis sidebottom said...

I dont think that I could live with the pressure of being expected to be everything to one person, I like a lot of space and I mean a lot.if someone told me they wanted to do everything with me that our lives would have to revolve around each other . The their sun rose and set with me I would be out the door so fast id probably not even have time to put my knickers back on.
I suspect my ideal relationship is an open one where you just dont discuss what you do when you are not together.
My best friend is very like you , I think you two would get on like a house on fire but i worry that she is constantly looking for the perfect man and the perfect love and she is willing to cut of bits of herself to fit the perfect relationship box and also cut off bits of him to make herself believe that he is the man.
I don't know which is worse to be constantly looking for love through rose tinted glasses or to not believe in it at all . I suspect somewhere there is a happy medium, but whether our personalities allow us to find it i have no idea.

doreenmary said...

Hi Mavis, I like a lot of space,too. In fact, you've inspired my next blog entry I'll write in a minute... but as it relates here to your comment, sometimes I wish I could be more detached and realistic like you. If you don't engage your heart and care so much, you don't get hurt. Probably this is what represents the underlying cause of your behaviors. For to be intimate is to to risk and potentially get hurt. It's possible, however, that the universe will place someone in your world that challenges you in that way. Actually, I hope so... for despite the pain of love and loss, there may be nothing greater for the spirit. I'm glad you have a best friend who is different in thinking from you. You probably give her a great dose of reality now and then, just as she probably won't let you get too cynical. I have come to really appreciate you and your wisdom here at my blog and the offline conversations, too. Each of us tend to have extremist thoughts on various topics and someone who espouses opposite philosophy sparks great thinking. I think you're awesome!


doreenmary said...

I just want to add a postscript about the Bachelor and last night's epilogue.

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! Jason is a phoney baloney. I think he really believes his own shit that he acted with integrity. I do hope that Molly and he endure for the sake of Jason's adorable son, but like many other folks, it is hard to imagine a sincerity between this couple who are so theatrical and defensive, as if they need to prove to the world that their love is real. Let's give it a year and see what happens.

If you missed last night's show, they announced that beginning in May there is a Bachelorette show starting and JILLIAN is the one they chose as bachelorette! She was Jason's 3rd to last dumped chick (from Canada)and a sweetie pie.


Roger D. Curry said...

if it weren't for doing things half-assed, I wouldn't do things any-assed.

Anonymous said...

Where are they now? Photos of previous bachelors and bachelorettes and who's still together:


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