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Who Are You?
I think it's important to be introspective, self-reflect. We get so caught up in the roles that we play that we "become" whatever our titles are. We tend to forget the spiritual being inside of us, which so very much needs nurturing or it will be forgotten... lest we become simply robots, succumbing to someone else's image of us. Someone else's plan for us. Someone else's life.... not our own as it was intended to be lived. Routines become everyday and each day is truly so short that years go by unnoticed. Who ARE you?
We need to question ourselves now and then. Ask if we are leading our lives in a way congruent to the inner sense of who we are. If we're not doing that, then that's the thing from which comes sickness, depression, all kinds of dark stuff. Only we know what truths are... nobody else. Only the individual inside his or her own heart and mind can determine the right way to live. Far too often, we adopt someone else's cause or image of us simply because we haven't done the work to do that for ourselves.
There's so much power inside of you.. inside of me... to make life exciting and rich. It doesn't take money or travel to exotic places to find glory and happiness... it's here, right now. We can spend our lives saving pennies for a European vacation or for some retirement we may never live long enough to experience, or we can take pause today, embracing the beauty we have in our own backyard.
Getting older is such a wonderful thing because you get wiser. I find myself on the brink of readiness to give up some of the silly girl dreams that I am coming to realize may never come. And to live with the best I have. For all the times I have been labeled and stereotyped... heck, maybe it's been you, too, who's felt defined by someone else. Pfft! I know who I am! I hope you know who you are, too.
I feel tall and strong. I stand for things I believe in. I have been hurt and I have compromised, and I've learned that you can't change the world.... sad as that is. But I am coming around to believe that even if I do not get acclaim or feedback telling me this... I know I make a difference and touch others' lives. I know that by the way I live my life I serve as an example to my children and my friends. I know that facing the truths, even the hard ones, in all honesty, helps me deal with difficult times. I am not afraid to be weak and sorry or sad, these are emotions which are my friends and help me identify who I am and what I need to work on to be better.
I love so deeply.... there are friends, some of you reading this, who know I love you and I need you... I reach to you when I am lost, sometimes just to hear a voice of reason or someone to care or someone to tell me the real truth, no matter had bad it hurts. And you help me... and I help you, because I love you, too.
I've also learned, sadly (but that's OK) that there are no heroes. Daddy died almost 9 years ago and he's not coming back. I expect too much, I'm a pain in the ass, at 44, there's baggage not so pretty. I don't need a man to define me or fulfill me, and besides, I can get by on my own....I'm doing just fine.
I never ever thought I'd be here where I stand today, confronting the issues unforeseen, relying on new or different resources that I never knew I had. I continue to learn every single day... things important and meaningful, bringing me closer to the woman I know I am inside... the best I can be.
I've had so many disappointments. I'm sure.... so have you. We can choose to drown in woes, or we can spend the necessary time in reflection, bring ourselves back to what our own truth is... whatever that may be. Isn't it amazing when you count the things you've survived and endured, to find somehow you're still you... still able to get out of bed in the morning - feisty, ready to tackle whatever you're up against... with hope and passion for the right outcomes?
Continue the path of your individual journey. When you feel alone and unloved.. you're really not. Remember who you are... You are good. You are made of wonderful stuff. God doesn't make junk. The world craps on us far too often. Little kindnesses go far. I have made a memory of the many times YOU have have reached to touch my hand to let me know I am OK. I needed to reflect on some of that this week, and I have.
It is good to be me. It is good to be you.
oxoxox
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5 comments:
I remember being so upset when I broke up with a boyfriend when I was 32 because I felt like the whole wedding, marriage and 2.5 kids blew up in smoke with it. And I wasn't so upset for myself but for my parents who wanted that for me. I am 36 now, and I can't imagine myself married or with children and I really want neither. I don't think I ever did, when I look back at how I pictured my future it was never a picture of a family and children. I don't get children, to me they are germ infested little whiny and loud beings and when I speak to them I feel like I'm talking a foreign language. I spend one hour with my nephew, love him but absolutely exhausting and I think how much easier it would be to be in the office instead. I finally realized why women without children looks years younger, it's not easy work despite the rewards. And some mothers will shake their heads and absolutely not believe that I don't want what they have- but frankly I don't give a damn anymore. I absolutely love my life and the freedom it provides. I've surrounded myself with women friends who are like me and men are just companions to me now, not a means to an end. I don't need one to provide for me financially (I could never find one that did as well as me anyway) and I certainly don't "need" his sperm. So this is what I thought of when you said we, ourselves, only know our truths and how we are wiser when we are older. I've found my peace and the thoughts of others are of no concern to me anymore and come on 40's- bring it. Many woman are like this but the rest of the population need to catch on and realize we're not all like Bridget Jones (though we loved her!) On that note, I am off to plan a trip to Montreal with a friend.
-blu
blu, this sounds trite, but i'm glad you're happy without kids and the other crap you're "supposed" to want.
moreover, many people who have kids probably shouldn't have had them at all (my sister is included in this group). I was at the doctor in June and this woman had kids and it was apparent she probably should have skipped the whole shebang. She was feeding her fat kids m&m's at 9am when they wouldn't stop running around the place like it was the park and then, when fatkid #2 spilled the m&ms all over the floor, the mom picked them all up off the nasty dr's office floor and told the kid to hurry up and eat them. in the end, she bribed them with mcdonald's for lunch if they'd shut up. great parenting right there.
i'm not being mean about the kids being fat either. these kids had actually fat rolls and muffin tops bigger than a 3 and 4 year old should have. while the woman was pretnding to not have kids i was a nosey parker and peeked at one kid's jacket size. i saw it was a plus sized item. when your 3 year old is in plus sized clothing, it's time to re-evaluate the m&m and mcdonald's diet.
anyway, it's better to be happy for yourself than to try and make other people happy, because you can't make them happy, ever.
Doreen, in response to yor question about Mandolin's raggedy ann costume, i found a black raggedy ann doll and thought about giving it to her just to piss those racist bitches off who dislike her other black baby doll. however, i was informed that halloween isn't the time or place to make political statements. bitches.
jilly
If getting old means getting wiser, it also means getting hard of hearing. I offered my husband an all expense paid trip to the audiologist and he had the nerve to get pissy with me.
Isn't it rather strange that we believe that other people cannot MAKE us happy, but that they can sure make us UNHAPPY- whether you wish to grant them that power or not.
Children are not for everyone, as Jilly says, good when folks recognize that they aren't. Me, I really really like kids. My life would not have been nearly as rich without them- that's a fact, not a persuasion.
i loved having children and i look forward to grandchildren if i am blessed to have those too. i would have been a lonely old woman without having had the joy of my children. those memories may one day sustain me. they have been two of my greatest accomplishments. if i never did anything else right, i did right by them. they were a priority and i was happy to make them so.
Truth is absolute. Few find it. Those of us that do, become uncomprehendable. Enlightenment, which to me is the discovery of self and God does not come from a text book or all the knowledge in the world. You know when you hit it and once you do you realize you may have had all the answers already. Complex minds overthink it or become trapped trying to find it in a Western thought schematic.
Forget everything you learned and give into faith. It is the most radical of any philosophy. Be warned it is a double edged sword. You don't make friends. Spiritual insight is rejected by most. More so if those you surround yourself with are caught up by the American trappings you touch on.
I can't speak on just what the hell goes through the female mind at your time in life. I just know Jesus never needed a minivan to preach. ;)
Jung created a stone mandala during his mid-life breakdown. On one side was an alchemist stone -- his refelection on the true self. It reminded him of the myth of Merlin who vanished in a forest. People heard Merlin's cries but nobody understood them.
Such is life. What is the automatic response to our isolation as humans? Have kids and hope they do better.
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