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Mother-Daughter Conflict.

Advice, please?

My daughter is 17. She is going to the junior/senior prom next Saturday night. Her girlfriends got a hotel room on the beach for that night and Kelly wants to spend the night there with them. She says it is just 3 or 4 girls in the room.

I have concerns about this. Even though Kelly has never been in trouble or had issues with partying, etc. I do believe that given a hotel room, the beach, the mood... there is risk for underage drinking, trouble with party crashers, boys, temptations, who knows... and I told her I don't want her to go.

Kelly thinks I don't trust her. She's mad and she's vocal about it... foot-stomping mad.

We can hardly speak to one another.

I'm not the kind of parent who says, "That's the rule," and that's the end of the story," although I can see how parents would reach that stance. I want her to understand that this is not about "trust" but it's about an environment that is prone to risk and circumstances that she cannot control. It's about not just what "could" happen, but what is more than likely to happen. It's about protecting a child... she's a minor.

What do you say about this? Whether you agree or disagree with me on keeping her from going, there is the larger relationship issue here: Our relationship, which has always been open and trusting. Kelly has always told me truths and never sneaked around... I fear that if this is a wedge between us... she may fear coming to me again and instead, make up stories about her whereabouts to do what she wants.

My desire to restrict her is not "the popular" choice. I don't often say "no" to her because I give her a long leash.

Also, there is the concern she will go to the party after the prom at the hotel anyway, even if she doesn't stay the night and I give her a curfew. She's made a point that driving home late at night that distance (it's about 40 miles away).. that there is danger there, too. I've offered to drive and pick her up, but I understand that that's not cool, either.

What do you think?


MelissaTheRagamuffin/aliasmoi said...

I would let her go. The odds are that if she is a nice kid so are her friends. Just give her the standard parental lecture about alcohol, sex, etc, and let her know that you will have your cell phone on/next to your pillow all night. That way if she needs you, she can reach you. She will be 18 soon, and then what will you do?

I would also get some birth control - if she's not already on something. Tell her you're not giving her permission to do it and you don't want her to do it, but sometimes things go further than you plan on and good kids make mistakes. It is usually the girl who will suffer the life long consequence of that fact.

mavis sidebottom said...

I'd let her go too my parents never let me doing anything and as soon as I got into the real world I went totally insane.I rember getting tivckets to a concert and my mother wouldn;t let me go because it was a school day the next dayI was 16 and my big brother would have gone with me.I can't remember what i learned in school the next day but I still hate my mother for not letting me go

Jilly said...

where i used to work (and my guy still works), they haven't had prom at a hotel in years because they've found that if you provide transportation to the prom (held at a nice location like the national aquarium) and then provide free transpotation to the alcohol free after party-lock in at a place like Dave'n busters when the prom ends, the alcohol related events were very limited. this year, my guy's school has taken the chance at hosting prom at a hotel. my guy wanted to get a room at the hotel for us for after the prom so we could enjoy being baby free. I said no because all of those kids are going to get rooms and drink like it's going out of style and he'd be duty bound to report it if he saw them.

Being a parent is hard and being a teen is harder. the old "i trust you, i don't trust them" line isn't easy to sell, even if it's true.

RE driving: Here, kids can't drive after 11, well they do it, but if they're caught the car insurance rate hikes up to unbelievable portions and their license becomes restricted.

is this her senior prom? if so, let her do it but also let it be known that "messing up" means she's done for good until she earns it back. Remember, this is the girl who refused to clean her nasty mess up a few months ago (so she's a little immature). However, she does have 1-2 jobs, so she can be responsible when needed.

You have to trust them at some point and extend that branch. If you let her know you trust her but there are consequences of betraying the trust, she'll think twice about ignoring your wishes. Also, I wouldn't let an 11th grader do it just based on the fact that I used to teach high school and at this time of year, 11th graders go nuts thinking they're seniors and should be given all the respect and advantages of seniors without having to pay the consequences. Many 11th graders get into trouble when they get too far ahead of themselves. Sure, the 12th graders are a little wild, but they're 3-4 weeks from being done with high school at this point and truly have the weight of the world and consequences of stupidity about to crash on them. 11th graders want to be done, but they're really just looking forward to a year of gloating that they're almost done.

Good luck,

Spidey said...

having raised a girl, who was just as wild as i was, but smarter,(she got herself out of more jams than i ever want to know) here is my opinion. and keep in mind i was a responsible parent who said all the right things.

what do you think she is going to do at the hotel room that she couldn't do anywhere else if she wanted to? it is prom. a milestone. make her mindful that boys, given an opportunity will take it as far as possible. she must keep herself safe. but she also should be allowed to have fun. let her know you expect her to stay safe. have her check in with you a couple of times. is she going with people that you can trust? let her go! jeez. we are only young once, and like mavis said... if you don't give them a taste of freedom, they will go crazy the first chance they get.
i would be more concerned with her driving home afterwards. let her know the expectations and then hold your breath and let go. :)

doreenmary said...

Thank you beloved friends. I love you all. She can go!!!

Jane said...

I wouldn't allow her to go.
A bunch of teens partying without adult supervision is a bad idea. It has nothing to do with trust.
You're the parent and you know best.
Saying "NO" will not ruin your relationship with her!