The past three years, maybe I wasn’t ready to go with the flow or just accept things they way they were…It’s as if my hands have been in fists and my teeth clenched like an untamed animal who feels defensive against a world it fears. I am so contrary and difficult! I was in a bad sector of transition, a tad bit lost and finding my way post divorce I have held tight to my dogma, my lifelong hopes and dreams.. even though some of the stuff went against the tides of reality. I had no idea the screwy head things such a transition does to a person and how you really need to bring gentleness and forgiveness of self in order to progress. Refocus! Be amenable to Change!

Ok, so the world for me isn’t a white picket fence… it can still be good. Softer… sweeter… open and loving… more of this! I want to attract peace. And I know things are so much better now (little signs and symbols)…. For example, the Christmas Tree I put up this year was about seven times larger than last year’s (kinda like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas… his heart enlarged at the sound of Whoville singing and celebrating the true meaning of the season). My children – loving them, priority number one. Being a better source of comfort to friends who rely on me. Patience… Self-reliance and integration of higher thinking. Compassion. God.

I am wanting to look ahead now and make 2011 a pinnacle year. I want to wrap up loose ends (the dissertation and get my Ph.D. diploma), become open to allowing love to me as if I’m deserving of it (instead of feeling unlovable and unworthy for one more wasted second), check off more things on my bucket list, be freer-spirited with greater humor.

I’m rambling, I know… so much is inside me.

This past week, my boss traveled on vacation and his demands of me were minimal. I took advantage of a much needed time to sneak time to tend to family, personal tasks, read some good books, clean, and get done only those work projects that screamed for attention (ummm, I hope he’s not reading this!)… but in these past days came some interesting resolves.

I’m getting older. OK, so we all are. At what point do we say, “I always wanted this or that, but I’ll put it off til x…” And what if the cancer comes and we die and never got “this or that?” What about NOW? What about making dreams happen right this very instant at age 45 instead of 65 when I won’t be as spry as today? I want things! Is that so wrong?

So I’m gaining perspective. Yesterday I took care of myself and laid in bed starting at about 7 PM, not getting up until late this morning (and I’m still in my sweatpants and tee shirt)… I just let myself rest rest rest. I have uterine fibroids and some months, I bleed very little during my cycle – like last month (which usually means a next month that is a volcanic explosion)… I’m iron-depleted and I’m a bleeding sieve right now. So I’m pulling myself together and resting.

While I laid around like a selfish (but deserved) pig, I put on the Bravo cable network and watched a bunch of episodes of “The Housewifes of… D.C., Orange County, etc.”… which is a reality show of women my age and their plights. Wow… it sure is interesting to see the grass isn’t any greener for the “haves” versus the “have nots”. Life is hard for everyone… certainly on different levels, but we—as a human race—are united so fundamentally in that we can consciously choose our responses to life (to be happy or not be happy––to be victims or not be victims—to choose to live or die).

I am nothing greater than the next guy. I am no worse, either. This seems such a base fact, and yet in our heads (or our own darkness) we can often forget that we matter. My beloved friend, Peggy, tells me… “Doreen, you need to fill your own gas tank, because no one will do it for you…” So… women who look for a man to fulfill them are missing some truth of knowing their own power, for example. We can lose years and years feeling caught up in job or other people’s agendas and forget our own purpose and meaning.