When you're clinking glasses of champagne to celebrate Valentines Day in two weeks, I'll either be dead or in a fetal position post-op. I'm having a hysterectomy on February 14th.

These days, such a surgery is done laparoscopically as "day surgery". In and out, wham, bam. The uterus is being removed. I am having this done on a Monday and should be good in day or two to return to work (just have to be careful lifting and stuff). You pop a pain killer and keep on keepin' on.

OK, so... I'm totally confident in the medical procedure, unafraid of the pain, and willing to go through it all. What I didn't expect to happen is a thought-process so profound, I can't see straight.

I guess when people are facing surgery, the mind naturally considers the "what ifs" of something going wrong... and the need for a living will, a Last Will & Testament, and what would become of children in the worst case scenario. I'm working on this stuff today. Additionally, when one considers surgery, they think about getting things "in order" before the day. I mean, I've so much worried about leaving behind a messy desk, the fact that I haven't cleaned out my closet, where to stash my damn vibrator so that my mother doesn't find it should I die. What would she think of me? What crap lies in my computer... some babble journal writings of a mad, mad woman. And all this education gone to hell... Geez, what's it all for?

And then there's the deeper conflicting feelings... do I have my priorities in place? Am I living life fully? Am I a good enough person? Am I gonna go to hell for all the sins I've made?

Perhaps most profoundly: Who is here around me who gives a shit in my life? Oh, God, that thought brings me to my knees in careful assessment about mattering in the world. (see my earlier postings on "The Ant Theory").

It's all so stupid -- this cruel world.

Suddenly, I have never before in my life felt so very alone and unloved. I do not have a hand to hold. And to lean on friends or my mom or sister or kids seems reaching, for in all my relationships, I feel so much more "the giver" than ever "needing". I do not want to impose on anyone. Not just today, but EVER. I do not like to be down. My ego is the size of Minnesota.

I am getting older... I know that we all are, but shit... I live inside of me and right now "it's all about me" and for GOD SAKE... I feel defective.

And please.... will the world let me have an effing breakdown today and leave me the eff alone for a moment?

Trying to keep it all together, I am

Yours Truly in all my Wackadoodleness,

Me. Only Me...