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On My Upcoming Hystectomy: The Mental Side of Facing a Major Surgery

When you're clinking glasses of champagne to celebrate Valentines Day in two weeks, I'll either be dead or in a fetal position post-op. I'm having a hysterectomy on February 14th.

These days, such a surgery is done laparoscopically as "day surgery". In and out, wham, bam. The uterus is being removed. I am having this done on a Monday and should be good in day or two to return to work (just have to be careful lifting and stuff). You pop a pain killer and keep on keepin' on.

OK, so... I'm totally confident in the medical procedure, unafraid of the pain, and willing to go through it all. What I didn't expect to happen is a thought-process so profound, I can't see straight.

I guess when people are facing surgery, the mind naturally considers the "what ifs" of something going wrong... and the need for a living will, a Last Will & Testament, and what would become of children in the worst case scenario. I'm working on this stuff today. Additionally, when one considers surgery, they think about getting things "in order" before the day. I mean, I've so much worried about leaving behind a messy desk, the fact that I haven't cleaned out my closet, where to stash my damn vibrator so that my mother doesn't find it should I die. What would she think of me? What crap lies in my computer... some babble journal writings of a mad, mad woman. And all this education gone to hell... Geez, what's it all for?

And then there's the deeper conflicting feelings... do I have my priorities in place? Am I living life fully? Am I a good enough person? Am I gonna go to hell for all the sins I've made?

Perhaps most profoundly: Who is here around me who gives a shit in my life? Oh, God, that thought brings me to my knees in careful assessment about mattering in the world. (see my earlier postings on "The Ant Theory").

It's all so stupid -- this cruel world.

Suddenly, I have never before in my life felt so very alone and unloved. I do not have a hand to hold. And to lean on friends or my mom or sister or kids seems reaching, for in all my relationships, I feel so much more "the giver" than ever "needing". I do not want to impose on anyone. Not just today, but EVER. I do not like to be down. My ego is the size of Minnesota.

I am getting older... I know that we all are, but shit... I live inside of me and right now "it's all about me" and for GOD SAKE... I feel defective.

And please.... will the world let me have an effing breakdown today and leave me the eff alone for a moment?

Trying to keep it all together, I am

Yours Truly in all my Wackadoodleness,

Me. Only Me...


Spidey said...

you will be fine my friend. i shall reach my hand across the miles and hold yours in friendship and assure you all will be well.
what a perfect motivator to clean a closet. i always think about all the dust they will find if i die unexpectedly. they will all know what a slob i truly am.
is that how i will be remembered? a woman who didn't dust behind the furniture every week?
don't let the fear consume you.
you won't go to hell. they have to save room for those who truly belong there.
let the fear wash over you and then push it away. all will be well.

Jilly said...

doreen, it's okay to lean on your friends, mom, daughter etc. you're about to go through major surgery, and it's stressful, sad, and often bring depression.

Anonymous said...

your mother probably has the same vibrator hidden from you and a close friend with instructions to nip round and remove it before you start clearing out her stuff .You think far too much you need to learn to roll with it
love from lydia the tattooed lady

Anonymous said...

I think you think too much...and your magnifying glass introspection is funny sometimes, sad others...bring it down a few octaves and try to listen every once in a while...and take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderous living world around you and know that you make it so much more pleasant and enriching because of who you are and and the joy you bring to so many others because of your openness and fragile must be loved by many...try loving yourself a little...your worth it you know...and Happy Valentine's Day...forget about your two or three day recess and then back to work...take the freakin' week off...the world isn
t going to stop because you are busting your ass doing what?...we all will survive...and we will be thinking of you and all of those amazing and outrageous thinks you will be sputtering while you are under ...heh...would like to be there witnessing that...

Anonymous said...

good'll be wearing a bikini by June.


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