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Confessions of a Hard-Headed Woman

Beloved Friends,

I need your help.

I'm an equal opportunity OFFENDER. That means anyone in my path is subject to my abusive ways. I'm not sure if this ugliness about me comes through my blogging (does it?)... I'm aware of my persona, I think, but I guess I need to be MORE aware and start caring a little more.

OK, so... someone I love told me I have to "lighten up". I take things too seriously, get mad over little things, I leave dead bodies strewn about the landscape with verbal attacks when I am criticized. Every issue is important to me and I'm always ready for a fight or a debate. Things are often about ME and not about US (whoever "us" may be) and being right always takes precedence over getting along with others.

I think pretty much that sums up the truth about me. It's not hard to get a rise out of me. Just wind me up. You'll get fists. Scowls... fast reaction and a quick wit to return verbally what comes at me.

Some would say it's an insecurity of sorts. Oh bother... who the hell isn't insecure (<--see! There it is again! The "attitude" coming out again)

I'm well aware that this character trait about me doesn't mesh well with the peace & harmony agenda of Planet Earth, which of course permeates business, personal relationships, dealings with the public -- pretty much all of daily living.

I know I can't "buy" a sense of humor and light heartedness (cuz if I could I would). I do wish there was a reform school for people like me.... hardheaded women. I first noticed my evil ways in business when I would come up against opposition about something in which I believed was right and good. Rules of decorum were usually broken and sometimes even with some sick glee inside of me.

If things are going too smoothly in any aspect of life... well, you can count on me to stir the pot and create chaos, where I emerge on some journey of corrective action... leading the pack into new ways.

I'm sure this is all very psychological... but for now, let's not go through a review of my effed-up childhood or significant life events to find what went wrong in my early years to make me such a freak. Suffice it to say, I'd like to NOT psychoanalyze this and instead, find some coping mechanisms and new habits and approaches to every day living. I would like a FAST-TRACK to improved behavior.

I need advice.

For example, when I am at a restaurant and I need a napkin and the waiter is no where in sight, I'm the type of person to jump up, go behind a counter or in the kitchen (employees only area) and get what I need. This makes people with me a little nervous, which I understand... I'm jussayin, this is what's wrong and the very types of behavior that need to be softened. They are habits and they are deeply ingrained.

I kinda yell, too.

I think hanging up the phone as appropriate action when someone says something I don't like.
Or saying "F you," when someone is rude (which I realize "f you" is also quite rude). But that isn't nice to say to mother, so to speak. Or a boss, or a clerk at the gas station.

Charm school for grownups?

A book about finding peace and humor?

Googling the key phrase, "how to lighten up"?

Any suggestions?



Chuckles the Clown


mavis sidebottom said...

I dont get stressed about little stuff it's pointless .Some may say that thinking the waiter should be there the minute, nay second you need him isn't so much a sign of insecurity but of arrogance.
Have you considered telling yourself hey i am not hat important in the great scheme of things ,I'll wait a little while .I always say to myself while Im waing in a queue , Oh well I could be home cleaning the toilets right now so standing here is no big deal.
I suspect i am a little bit pollyanna

doreenmary said...

Help me understand the thought process and how I can respond more effectively to a situation, using example:

You bite into a hamburger and grease and ketchup seep onto your hand and the waiter has not given you a napkin. What goes through your mind? Shrug it off and wait until it's your turn when your server comes back to ask for a napkin? How long is too long to wait with a drippy mess? This is small stuff... but there is shit on your hand and you're out with friends paying good money for lunch. You don't get irritated?

Are you going to just sit there? Would you hike to the bathroom far away holding your dripping hand out when the kitchen is only four feet away and napkins might be in there (even though it is only for employees?) Is it arrogance to just get in there and take care of business?

Perhaps it is the "spirit" of my actions or my lack of humor. And THAT'S what I need to find. I'm using this as an example as to finding better ways to tame my ways and my reactions. I guess the point is... something happens (often small) and I REACT and I get in there and I take care of it or correct it. This is why I am often in trouble... it makes people around me uncomfortable - perhaps not the ACT of getting the napkin, but the ATTITUDE.

Oh, I should mention, I wouldn't hesitate to tell the waiter later that we weren't given napkins. Maybe that's the rub? I should just roll over and "let it go" and "lighten up" save for being called self-righteous or arrogant?

My threshold for "waiting" for a napkin is short. My irritation is a natural inner response. What needs to be done is modifying the display of what's inside me. And that's the thing I want to work on. I don't have that self-talk which you gave as an example... I need to learn that and live it. But how?

Anonymous said...

You get up from the table to get yourself a napkin but you do it with a gracious attitude. You weren't given napkins...not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Your server overlooked/forgot/didn'tcare...who knows...but so thankful you were able to even be out to lunch with friends. I understand how the situation could be aggravating but your way of handling the situation and your attitude will either fuel the aggravation or you can take it with a grain of salt, get a napkin with a smile on your face while pleasantly asking the server to bring more napkins to your table and enjoy the rest of your lunch rather than steaming over such a trivial matter. Reacting to right a situation is not your problem...your attitude as you react is. Next time you are irritated try looking at the situation in a humorous way before reacting.

doreenmary said...

Boy do I recognize the "voice" behind Anonymous. Who you are is so very transparent. I'll consider myself duly apprehended. Salute.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha...there you go again with a bad attitude don't know me that well and you were probably assuming I was some other "voice" I am Jo-Ann. I've occasionally followed your blog from back in the bookshelf days. You need to take more in stride and with humor rather than going straight to irritation. Relax for goodness sakes.

doreenmary said...

So get this, Jo-Ann, you bitch who just brought out the worst in me. It gets worse! So I phoned the punitive person in my life who I thought wrote that "anonymous" piece and had a sarcastic reaction... and of course, that person was taken aback.

OMG! CLEARLY I am in need of some sort of help.

Nice that you stopped in... hope all is well, I loved the bookshelf. I'm having a glass of wine now and will RELAX with mounds of my laundry needing folding. oxoxox. Take care

Anonymous said...

Doreen you goof...hook that wine up IV style...yes you need help but wine is a good start.

Jo-Ann aka the bitch who brought out the worst in you who you assumed was someone else when you should have been laughing that someone even posted a comment about you bitching about a napkin !!! lol

mavis sidebottom said...

actually I think Jo anne has hit the nail on the head you over react to everything then when the big stuff happens you have absolutely nowhere to go because you are already angry. in the words of the great Oasis You've go to roll with it


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