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Home is Where You Hang Your Hat

I am moving locally this week. The children and I are renting a lovely townhouse not far from here and it is both sad and exciting as I leave behind all I've known in married life and start anew. I've not been a renter since my late teens when I was in college, but it's not going to be like apartment living, for I am renting a private home in a gated community of owned property. Hopefully life won't feel incredibly foreign to me.

There's really never a convenient time for moving--seems. Keeping up on the jobs and my own studies is challenging during this mess. There are so many details to coordinate and right now I feel lost in confusion, not quite sure where my place is, how things fit any more and who the hell I am.. or am becoming.

I cannot begin to tell you the newfound respect I have for women who've journeyed this way before me. The courage it takes to make conscious choices, to move onward and forward is an inner experience that cannot be understood or learned through watching others. When you, yourself, venture a rocky is in the aloneness that you reflect upon all that you are inside, what you are made of, what sparks you to get up in the morning, and what will eat your heart out bit by bit if you don't think it all through and forgive yourself and others before starting over. There's somewhat a grace that comes with insight, but again, not without pain or dissection of the self. It is truly miraculous we survive the things we survive.

As I speak with others who ask me, "How are things?" and I report in short sentences, "Oh, I'm moving, getting a divorce after decades, blah, blah, blah..." oftentimes a certain connection is made with the other who then shares their life experiences aligned with what I'm going through. That always amazes me...the commonality and shared experiences so many people have lived.

You see, because human beings are full of self and ego, we tend to believe that we are the ONLY one who feels this way...that what we feel and experience is WAY bigger than what others do. That's natural, and it is often only when you connect with another that you find that they, too, have journeyed and have words of support and comfort that you never even knew you needed.

This is why bad things happen to good people, I think. We learn an important life lesson...sometimes repeatedly through our lives....and that is the gift of compassion. Compassion is the true feeling of care when another is hurting. Right now, I have so much regard for the people who did before me what I am now doing...who lived through the pain and survived and probably came out better than they were before. And that they can extend a hand to hold, ever so briefly, it is monumental to me. Thank you to those who have done so.

Never take for granted those in your world, for you often don't know what they are feeling or going through in their lives. Some people cannot speak (as easily as I do) about what they feel. They don't know the words or they are extremely private. That doesn't mean they don't feel. Therefore.... Always be kind. Even the most all-together people suffer or lose sometimes.

My home hasn't sold and is going into what is called "Short Sale" status. It will be sold for less than we owe on it...blah, blah, blah. Finances will need some fixing. But money is only money and you can always make more. We'll be fine.

I'm not afraid of losing and I am inspired to win again, but I do know that a certain darkness pervades in the process--at least right now. It is good friends, some I didn't even realize who were such good friends, that are making this change bearable.

When you move, you take yourself with you. Therefore, I shall hang my hat and do what needs doing. I know I'll be OK because I can trust myself... you just do the right things.


Anonymous said...

You are such an outstanding writer! Don't underestimate how much you have won on your journey to back to school while raising a family and working.