I liked that quote then... I still remember it. It's funny because it is true: Sometimes we don't really know if our perception of ourselves is the same way others see us. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your self-concept is completely opposing to how others see you? Shouldn't we do a reality check, at least now and then? Should we consider the possibility that we're living some delusions and out of touch about what's real?

I guess I'm feeling a little insecure lately. Dealing with a job issue, then there's moving (again), finding boundaries... if it's OK to reach out in friendships/family sometimes without being perceived as overstepping. I don't mean to "test" my relationships, but that's exactly what happens as I stick my toe in the water to see a response, then go further in... until I'm in. And then, sometimes, I'm not welcomed where I go.

Maybe I'm not as attractive a friend, an employee, a relative as I thought I was. Too intense? Too deep? And yet... I long to trust someone to confide in... this angst of a time, generally speaking. I derive great pleasure from being a helper/adviser/friend to others, too. But some can only handle me in small doses on either end of the give/take spectrum.

As I think of some of the developmental psychology theorists (e.g. Erikson, Kohlberg), and what they had to say, it seems the human experience does, indeed, travel same paths inasmuch as all of us learn some of the same life lessons, albeit at different times and places in our life. And I can't help but ponder the importance of this time -- now -- in my own life, as I confront midlife issues and new directions, while I reflect on some hard lessons learned. I think it's a lifelong quest for us to even attempt to answer the silent question inside of each of us, "Who am I?" and "Am I happy?" as well as we tend to explore with others in our lives.. "Who are You?" and "Who am I to you and you to me?" And "Are you happy?" so we can learn how to be better in the world of those whom we love. And I think answers change based on time and place and who or what is influencing our world.

Maybe one error our parents made or that we, ourselves, make as parents to our own children, is telling a child from the get-go that they are someone "special". In later years, this can be met with harsh opposing forces which smack up against face to tell you/me/them that we are "ordinary". Maybe I'm not as important to you as I think I am? Maybe this blog is a showcase of egocentrism and nothing meaningful? Maybe this. Maybe that. Oh. And who really gives a rat's ass about anything, anyway?

Am I making any sense at all?I know I've written on this topic many times in different forms, sometimes using metaphor... the one I like best is that we are all like ants... an ant hill... one of sooooooo many, just doing our tasks until we are squished unwittingly, left dead on a sidewalk, washed away by rain. And what the hell was it all for?

Why the hell am I here? And why would anyone care if I 'm here or begone?

Maybe I'm not as attractive as I think I am.