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The Ant Theory -- Revisited.

So I haven't blogged recently. I've sat down here and started a few entries and ended up abandoning them, thinking often... who cares about what I'm writing? And who is my audience REALLY? And I often wonder if I'm writing TO you or FOR you (to entertain, share, etc.) or FOR me (to purge, to seek counsel, to just be human and express for the sake of it)... It's probably all of those reasons. I write -- therefore, I am.

Isn't it kind of egocentric to blog, generally speaking? As if I have something to say that really matters? Something so intimate out there on a public forum... I guess I feel somewhat courageous that I am willing to expose my humanness in hopes someone reading this finds connection. But is that a haughty thought? Maybe... but sincerely, I'm all about making human connection and I can be my own worst enemy in that regard.

Lately, I've been pondering the concept of public persona versus authentic self. You know, there really is a difference and if you don't agree, I would bet that you are living in the "public self" zone most of the time and not taking the time to explore the complexities of the inner life experience... which is my "home" and most comfortable place to be, albeit alone. But as a generation of multi-taskers, it's not not a hard thing for us to avoid what's inside us... you can run run run doing all kinds of activities and keep your mind from its quiet place of just being... and forget who it is that you really are. You can forget who is important in your world and you can forget to nourish them... and nourish yourself, too.

Pause.

Sigh. Most of us find discomfort in human connection that is intimate. Yet it is a basic human need... it really is. So.. even through fear. I say this: I want to know the kind of people who will "go there" with me... share in the quiet, in a free space to be whatever -- just OK with the challenges of life and feeling the pains and joys with equal amounts of passion. A song of that desire and THAT kind of friendship is HERE . I heard it for the first time yesterday even though it's a few years old and it made me realize something missing of great depth in the world. If you have a support system... you are truly blessed. Anyway. Sigh. I pushed away so many friends when I had surgery because I'm such a tough old broad who doesn't NEED anyone or anything. Pfft... Full of myself.

Feeling my hands are in fists... fighting recovery. Losing a sense that anything much matters or will matter in ten years. Today, I'm writing down some goals to de-funkify myself of these feelings and regain a sense of power.

Recently I have been bogged down with a great deal of activity -- doing for others, events, meetings, work projects. (I will blog about my college visit with Kelly to Eckerd College soon... it was terrific). Anyway, I haven't indulged in the quiet as much as I need, which I indeed miss.... This post-op situation has played a tremendous role in that... I collapse into bed for sleep and get myself so ill from overdoing it, I can't even think. (Recovery is going fairly well... I just don't like not being my best physcially right now). That said, in this flurry of activity, I am thinking of all that now... kind of like an "experiment"... asking myself, "What is happening here," as I just go, go, go and don't stop and reflect... All of life is like that... experiment after experiment, seeing if you change behavior what different outcomes emerge. Oh, I have some thoughts about it all. It makes me sad that we fill our lives with so much to do and each day blends into another. Months pass. We are a hamster on a wheel... Jesus, can't we just make it all stop?

I'm so damn tired! Maybe I need a vacation... and then I think what a hefty amount of money to take the time to be basking in the sun like a lounge lizard and it's just a temporary fix or escape. You go back to work with double the load, so is that really relief?

Anyway... And they say life isn't about being happy... it's about endurance and weathering the trials with your personal best... attitude, gaining wisdom.... and becoming.

OK.. will end this on a positive note...

Today, I choose my mood... and tackle this day with good attitude.

I'm blogging. I'm back! And how are you?

12 comments:

Jilly said...

i'm three steps away from killing a kid, and it might not be mine. seriously, 3 is so much worse than 2 was. my knees are killing me from running at least an hour a day, and i'm considering going back on paxil for the PMDD and deprssion. my family looks at me like i'm nuts when i tell them i'm still depressed from the miscarriage in december while my friends from church are tip-toeing around me waiting for the explosion.

but, it's almost spring and i can spend more time outside, so things are looking up.

doreenmary said...

I love you, Jilly. xoxox. You're not nuts... you are one of the most all-together people I know. It is hard to be a mom of young ones with a spouse studying for his PhD. You work, study, find time to knit for friends and family. I think you're terrific.

mavis sidebottom said...

Im fucking great thanks for asking

Spidey said...

hi to you! i stopped publically blogging for the very reasons you stated. who really cares what i am doing besides me? well maybe bigjoe does, but he doesn't need to read about it.he gets to live it!
so very glad you are feeling better after your surgery. your silence worried me.
don't mind me. i always get this way after a long dark winter. i long for the sunny summer days when i can hang my laundry on the line again and smell the sunshine captured in my sheets and pillow cases. i can only imagine the hot concrete under my bare feet and tbe slant of the sun through open screened windows. the first chirp of the robin. the scent of spring coming through my bedroom window that i can finally open after the storm window was slammed shut in november.
a person can never really appreciate spring unless they have endured winter.

sheila222 said...

My take on blogging- it is voyeuristic and it is also therapeutic for some. I generally operate under the assumption that no one much gives a damn about what really floats my boat. But I will tell you here,, hopefully either this year or next, I will become a Master Breeder in the ACBA. Now, that doesn't sound like much, but it is years of striving for excellence and being able to prove it,, and doing work nationally for the good of the Fancy. So, when I get my patch, I'll let you know :). We all have goals of some sort or another. More private things beyond the pigs I am not much willing to share on a public forum.

doreenmary said...

alex, what's going on -- I mean really?

doreenmary said...

Spidey, I think many people found your blog postings relevant and helpful and I hope you change your mind and return to it. I loved a peek into your life... beautiful garden pics, good recipes, inspired living. The same reason we reach for magazines or watch tv shows is what is there at some blogs... your blog was terrific!

doreenmary said...

I always wanted a cavy, Sheila! I've read about them in detail. One day I will get one when I can dedicate time and I will need your professional guidance!

mavis sidebottom said...

nothings going on I go to work I go to the pub I have a laugh I enjoy life and thats about it I foud out it takes very little to make me a happy bunny really

Jilly said...

sheila, i miss reading your pig stories, and i'd still love for you to meet MissM if you're every in my neck of the woods again. You wouldn't recognize me though, but that's a good thing on my part.

Spidey, i like your blog posts, they make me long for still being in love with my guy after the kid is gown and gone and filling my free time with lovely outings and happy family stuff.

Alex, i miss your blog too, you almost always made me laugh. whenever i take the bus, i think of you and your shopping stories. in fact, when my car died, and it took us 2 weeks to replace it, i had to take the bus everywhere and i thought "if alex has done this for decades, and she has 2 little boys, i need to STFU and just DEAL."

sheila222 said...

Jilly, I plan to be at the Baltimore-Howard West Friendship, MD show April 2,, same building I think. That's the plan, anyhow. My show string is a little weak (although I did have a BIS with Northern Star and a RIS with Turkey Leg-yes, that's really his name-this past weekend in Georgia)- they can certainly be beat at any time.

Jilly said...

sheila, i can do that. i just PRAY the kid doesn't want a pig after meeting yours! She loves the guinea pig toy doreen sent me years ago and hauls it around everywhere.

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