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Sufficiently Numb

Cabernet Sauvignon.

I realize indulgence doesn't make the world weariness go away, but I'm quite adequately in the zone of not giving much of a flip finally. Finally.

So I wish you were here. I have so much to say and I care to listen too.

Inspire me... about what things shall I blog? What do you want to know? I'll tell ya anything. Just ask.... Or, tell me your stuff. Spew, gloat, whaddever. We're friends... you can say anything.

7 comments:

mavis sidebottom said...

Im going to amsterdam in may to seethe sex museum

doreenmary said...

There is one in NYC... I saw it on TV and I want to go see it someday... I want a full report, Alex.

mavis sidebottom said...

Oh dont worry I willfacebook it with pics ;)

Anonymous said...

Why did you and your husband really get a divorce?
Why are you so hard on yourself?
How much do you weigh?
Have you lived in any other state besides Florida?
What is your lifetime favorite book?

doreenmary said...

Dear Anonymous,

I never spoke about the "whys" of my divorce because I don't ever want to disrespect my ex or speak poorly of him. He is generally a good man and I shall always want the best for him. I will always love him... he is the father of my children, my first love and was, for quarter of a century, my best friend. It is sad a couple long-term as we were-- parted ways during middle-age when all things should be going favorably.

I will say this, Mark let me down beyond repair. There was not a singular precipitating event (such as a crime committed, or some bigass affair)... but there were important years when a team effort was desperately needed. How lonely the final years were until we both became strangers.

Hey... I, myself, am not a perfect person... and I contributed to the distancing we made. I'm complex, hard-headed, a workaholic, an intense mind, challenging and demanding. OK... I'm difficult. For those reasons, I shall not ever marry again for I do not think I am a suitable mate (save MAYBE for a rare individual who gets his rocks off with someone such as I... brilliantly fucked up). As Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said to the Wizard when all her friends got their heart's wishes, "I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me". Perhaps Mark is better off without me. I am doing well on my own becoming the person I've longed to become -- I love the journey.

But heck, I saw him today for the kids' birthday celebrations... we can hug and laugh, we are still our kids' parents. K? 'Nuff about that.

Continued....

doreenmary said...

Why am I hard on myself? When I grew up, it seemed I was loved conditionally. At our house, we were praised for high achievement and criticized for anything less than stellar performance. To be pretty or wanting of fluffy things was condemned as shallow. It was all about working your ass off, good grades, good job, making it happen. There's a lot of "man" in me - you can count on me! In the same vein, there's this alter ego I am enthralled with living out... sweet gentleness.. lovely, girl good enough to be noticed and get flowers, pretty, who plays by rules. Sigh. I never was a good fit for anywhere. Square peg, round hole... always different. Eccentric, controversial, and proud of it, too... I certainly have an ego that's big, but there exists plenty of esteem issues, too. I hate to say that I've carried such childhood wounds into adulthood, but I have.

The grace in this "hard on myself" lifestyle is that I am forgiving of others, I am sincerely kind and loving to all. I am drawn to fairy tales and believe in grandeur of love. My heart overflows with silly girl notions about the way things ought to be... and this, consequently, leaves me world-weary (my ant theory)... to think how small my effect on the world and people when I desire so much to be a giver and make a difference. I also fail to receive love open-heartedly, but am on the path of self-discovery and improved thinking and behavior to try to trust that I could be loved for reason than "just because".

How much do I weigh. I will tell you when I weigh 140 soon, my goal weight. Until then, I am simply not there yet. I'm in a size 8 pants now (down from a 12) I have lost 24 pounds and kept it off since last July. I don't care what I weigh, really... the diet was just to just see if I could do it.

I was born in New York and moved to Largo/Seminole (Gulf Coast) area of Florida. My roots and attitude are very New York (fast movin' fast talkin') due to family influence & work ethic and strong connection/love for New Yorkers. We moved to Pasco County, FL in the 90s when they started bussing Kindergarteners to far away schools and I wanted a sweeter life for the kids - hometown school... been here since.

My lifetime favorite book... I simply cannot choose one! I have several across various genres: They are:

Inspiration Genre --
Mother Teresa In My Own Words
The Prophet (Kahil Gibran)
The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman)

Total Escape/Fiction:
Bridget Jones's Diary (Helen Fielding), and
She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb).

Children's Book:
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (Judy Blume), and
The Book of Virtues (Bennet)

Of the classics:
The Scarlett Letter (Hawthorn), Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger).

My Geek Books:

The Portable Jung (Carl Jung et. al.)
Dreams of Love & Fateful Encounters (Ethel S. Person)and Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss

There ya have it! Secrets revealed!

Anonymous said...

Very very good post..thank you. You know yourself more than most people know themselves..quirks and all. We are alike in many ways which is why you fascinate me...it's like looking in a mirror but you are prettier...lol

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