So I haven't blogged recently. I've sat down here and started a few entries and ended up abandoning them, thinking often... who cares about what I'm writing? And who is my audience REALLY? And I often wonder if I'm writing TO you or FOR you (to entertain, share, etc.) or FOR me (to purge, to seek counsel, to just be human and express for the sake of it)... It's probably all of those reasons. I write -- therefore, I am.

Isn't it kind of egocentric to blog, generally speaking? As if I have something to say that really matters? Something so intimate out there on a public forum... I guess I feel somewhat courageous that I am willing to expose my humanness in hopes someone reading this finds connection. But is that a haughty thought? Maybe... but sincerely, I'm all about making human connection and I can be my own worst enemy in that regard.

Lately, I've been pondering the concept of public persona versus authentic self. You know, there really is a difference and if you don't agree, I would bet that you are living in the "public self" zone most of the time and not taking the time to explore the complexities of the inner life experience... which is my "home" and most comfortable place to be, albeit alone. But as a generation of multi-taskers, it's not not a hard thing for us to avoid what's inside us... you can run run run doing all kinds of activities and keep your mind from its quiet place of just being... and forget who it is that you really are. You can forget who is important in your world and you can forget to nourish them... and nourish yourself, too.

Pause.

Sigh. Most of us find discomfort in human connection that is intimate. Yet it is a basic human need... it really is. So.. even through fear. I say this: I want to know the kind of people who will "go there" with me... share in the quiet, in a free space to be whatever -- just OK with the challenges of life and feeling the pains and joys with equal amounts of passion. A song of that desire and THAT kind of friendship is HERE . I heard it for the first time yesterday even though it's a few years old and it made me realize something missing of great depth in the world. If you have a support system... you are truly blessed. Anyway. Sigh. I pushed away so many friends when I had surgery because I'm such a tough old broad who doesn't NEED anyone or anything. Pfft... Full of myself.

Feeling my hands are in fists... fighting recovery. Losing a sense that anything much matters or will matter in ten years. Today, I'm writing down some goals to de-funkify myself of these feelings and regain a sense of power.

Recently I have been bogged down with a great deal of activity -- doing for others, events, meetings, work projects. (I will blog about my college visit with Kelly to Eckerd College soon... it was terrific). Anyway, I haven't indulged in the quiet as much as I need, which I indeed miss.... This post-op situation has played a tremendous role in that... I collapse into bed for sleep and get myself so ill from overdoing it, I can't even think. (Recovery is going fairly well... I just don't like not being my best physcially right now). That said, in this flurry of activity, I am thinking of all that now... kind of like an "experiment"... asking myself, "What is happening here," as I just go, go, go and don't stop and reflect... All of life is like that... experiment after experiment, seeing if you change behavior what different outcomes emerge. Oh, I have some thoughts about it all. It makes me sad that we fill our lives with so much to do and each day blends into another. Months pass. We are a hamster on a wheel... Jesus, can't we just make it all stop?

I'm so damn tired! Maybe I need a vacation... and then I think what a hefty amount of money to take the time to be basking in the sun like a lounge lizard and it's just a temporary fix or escape. You go back to work with double the load, so is that really relief?

Anyway... And they say life isn't about being happy... it's about endurance and weathering the trials with your personal best... attitude, gaining wisdom.... and becoming.

OK.. will end this on a positive note...

Today, I choose my mood... and tackle this day with good attitude.

I'm blogging. I'm back! And how are you?

When you're clinking glasses of champagne to celebrate Valentines Day in two weeks, I'll either be dead or in a fetal position post-op. I'm having a hysterectomy on February 14th.

These days, such a surgery is done laparoscopically as "day surgery". In and out, wham, bam. The uterus is being removed. I am having this done on a Monday and should be good in day or two to return to work (just have to be careful lifting and stuff). You pop a pain killer and keep on keepin' on.

OK, so... I'm totally confident in the medical procedure, unafraid of the pain, and willing to go through it all. What I didn't expect to happen is a thought-process so profound, I can't see straight.

I guess when people are facing surgery, the mind naturally considers the "what ifs" of something going wrong... and the need for a living will, a Last Will & Testament, and what would become of children in the worst case scenario. I'm working on this stuff today. Additionally, when one considers surgery, they think about getting things "in order" before the day. I mean, I've so much worried about leaving behind a messy desk, the fact that I haven't cleaned out my closet, where to stash my damn vibrator so that my mother doesn't find it should I die. What would she think of me? What crap lies in my computer... some babble journal writings of a mad, mad woman. And all this education gone to hell... Geez, what's it all for?

And then there's the deeper conflicting feelings... do I have my priorities in place? Am I living life fully? Am I a good enough person? Am I gonna go to hell for all the sins I've made?

Perhaps most profoundly: Who is here around me who gives a shit in my life? Oh, God, that thought brings me to my knees in careful assessment about mattering in the world. (see my earlier postings on "The Ant Theory").

It's all so stupid -- this cruel world.

Suddenly, I have never before in my life felt so very alone and unloved. I do not have a hand to hold. And to lean on friends or my mom or sister or kids seems reaching, for in all my relationships, I feel so much more "the giver" than ever "needing". I do not want to impose on anyone. Not just today, but EVER. I do not like to be down. My ego is the size of Minnesota.

I am getting older... I know that we all are, but shit... I live inside of me and right now "it's all about me" and for GOD SAKE... I feel defective.

And please.... will the world let me have an effing breakdown today and leave me the eff alone for a moment?

Trying to keep it all together, I am

Yours Truly in all my Wackadoodleness,

Me. Only Me...

.... of anything, really?

Have I ever written about my "Ant Theory" here? I won't repeat long and wordy, other than to define it as: we're all just the same looking ant living pretty much an ordinary existence and then someone squishes us and we die. You are me and I am you, we are pink inside, and nothing really stands out as tremendously different or important.

I always seem to return to the validity of this theory.

How small and very insignificant I am.... blogging here as if there is something profound underneath it all. Pfft!

Seen on a tee shirt, "sometimes it's just not worth chewing through the restraints"

And that's about alls I got to blog about.