Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Mine.
Still buying fresh flowers regularly... never without a bouquet. Best thing a girl can do. Treat yourself! Know you are worth it... YOU are!
The Fantasy of Designing a Perfect Mate
Remember the song by Savage Garden, I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You? The lyrics were... "I think I dreamed you into life..." Have you fantasized about the perfect partner? I mean, of course, those of you who haven't already found him or her. For those of you who already found your best friend, is he/she an icon of things you once dreamed of? Was it intuition? What is or was that magic that made/makes it all happen? Is it a God thing?
I played with an idea today… If I were starting out fresh & new…. Alone and without a man, I pondered what qualities I would seek. Such things would be grandly different today than say, when I was a young girl with stars in her eyes. I often kid about the sweet love and the early years of Mark and me... I always say.. "at 17 years old... we both liked Budweiser and U2.. a perfect match!" Sigh... so innocent.
Here are some things I thought of for NOW as a woman of greater substance and who would be unwilling to settle for less than a "best friend" to call a lover any time soon:
He would be a man of great experience and wisdom, who’d weathered a number of storms in his life and evolved to be philosophical (as opposed to a victim of life’s evils) with stories to tell. He would be a man of tremendous strength of conviction and in many aspects… unwavering in his beliefs on important issues, even if those were opposing to my own beliefs.
He would be infused with testosterone and have an insatiable appetite for things sexual… kinky and weird, but able to curb it in favor of monogamy with me. He would have only eyes for me, dwell upon my every subtle movement and ways (obsessively, preferred).
He would call me out on things awry or wrong and insist on the highest standards for me, even if he had to insult me to gain my attention to be a better person. He would listen to my high standards, too... be impressionable and open to things I feel and say, willing to try new things or see things “another” way… often “my way”. He would be unafraid of change and instead welcome it and want to become an evolved spirit always on a path to self-improvement.
He would be ageless, able to relate to all peoples of race, culture, and age and find among all peoples something in common that is positive. He would be cultured and educated. He would be logical and calculating and bring to me aid in problem-solving in foggy areas of my own world.
He would be a flawed character… someone who cannot see straight in certain areas of his life… these would areas of my strength and competency that I could give to him. And he would take my hand and allow me to be helper and supporter. He would lean on me and never feel less a man for in giving over power to a woman in certain aspects… instead, he would be secure in his own masculinity to be weak and in need, knowing he can be stronger with “two” instead of “one” as his spiritual source. He would be bravely humble despite a big head in ordinary day activities… in private, he would be submissive to God and his lowly position as “human” knowing something greater is a force so awesome. And he would speak of such wonderment and share with me the privacy of connection with the universe through our unique love. He would lay upon my lap to seek refuge and acceptance when the world troubled him, and yet… when the tables turn.. he would be my father figure and hold me like a baby to comfort my troubled soul.
He would be a brat and a monster because he is filled with passion and such a thing has its shadow-side… but he would be unafraid to reveal such emotion to me. He would trust me that he could expose all facets of himself in complete appreciation and acceptance by me. He would know that there are no mistakes and that everlasting forgiveness is given no matter whatever befell our relationship… he would know to his core I would never deny him or leave him. He would be sure enough of me to lay his life on the line and entrust to me. The man perfect for me is not at all a perfect person… he is completely flawed, and he loves himself no matter. He stands in the fire and seeks truth.
And he would accept my wackadoodleness... from PMS and emotional outbursts to occasional depths of despair.. and he'd care and not criticize, but help me find peace when I am "over the top".
The man I could love with all of me is a child… who likes to play and roughhouse and make up games and tickle and laugh. He isn’t too stuffy to run in the rain or do something reckless “just because”… he can put behind him all his responsibilities and really live in the moment. And he can buy into my arrangements for childlikeness, AND he can create a playground of his own making with the power to recruit me to want to engage in his own ideas for adventure.
The man I love need not be wealthy or of material things, but he is resourceful and conscientious and wants to make sure I am fed, warm, and happy. He assumes responsibility even when it is not required, even if he is met with polite refusal (because I'm stubborn and "don't need no help")… he fights to be a helper when he sees I need help.
The man I want to love me knows my heart and forgives me for my many, many flaws. He sees me as beautiful, despite weight or age or other physical imperfections. He sees my soul and my finer qualities and these things light his fire, brighten his world, nourish him… he flourishes because of my goodness and he overlooks anything anyone else might judge as “bad”.
The man I would/could/want to love chooses our love above all things, and even when competing priorities surface, such as work or children or other responsibilities, he may have to tend to other life matters, but it is clear where I stand and if push ever came to shove, he would protect me and us and never falter in such loyalty. He has my back! Likewise, he would trust that he is number one in my world, even though I love my children or have things to protect or care for… he knows my heart is his and that love is foremost in so many unspoken ways.
The man I would/could/want to love is complex and real… he is beautiful and full of life. There need not be exciting surroundings or events for us to engage.. there is utter satisfaction in just “being”… the kind of a summer day experience in which there is comfort in simplicity such as a warm breeze and a kiss, sitting on sand or a bench.
Sigh...
This is why I write romance novels.
I played with an idea today… If I were starting out fresh & new…. Alone and without a man, I pondered what qualities I would seek. Such things would be grandly different today than say, when I was a young girl with stars in her eyes. I often kid about the sweet love and the early years of Mark and me... I always say.. "at 17 years old... we both liked Budweiser and U2.. a perfect match!" Sigh... so innocent.
Here are some things I thought of for NOW as a woman of greater substance and who would be unwilling to settle for less than a "best friend" to call a lover any time soon:
He would be a man of great experience and wisdom, who’d weathered a number of storms in his life and evolved to be philosophical (as opposed to a victim of life’s evils) with stories to tell. He would be a man of tremendous strength of conviction and in many aspects… unwavering in his beliefs on important issues, even if those were opposing to my own beliefs.
He would be infused with testosterone and have an insatiable appetite for things sexual… kinky and weird, but able to curb it in favor of monogamy with me. He would have only eyes for me, dwell upon my every subtle movement and ways (obsessively, preferred).
He would call me out on things awry or wrong and insist on the highest standards for me, even if he had to insult me to gain my attention to be a better person. He would listen to my high standards, too... be impressionable and open to things I feel and say, willing to try new things or see things “another” way… often “my way”. He would be unafraid of change and instead welcome it and want to become an evolved spirit always on a path to self-improvement.
He would be ageless, able to relate to all peoples of race, culture, and age and find among all peoples something in common that is positive. He would be cultured and educated. He would be logical and calculating and bring to me aid in problem-solving in foggy areas of my own world.
He would be a flawed character… someone who cannot see straight in certain areas of his life… these would areas of my strength and competency that I could give to him. And he would take my hand and allow me to be helper and supporter. He would lean on me and never feel less a man for in giving over power to a woman in certain aspects… instead, he would be secure in his own masculinity to be weak and in need, knowing he can be stronger with “two” instead of “one” as his spiritual source. He would be bravely humble despite a big head in ordinary day activities… in private, he would be submissive to God and his lowly position as “human” knowing something greater is a force so awesome. And he would speak of such wonderment and share with me the privacy of connection with the universe through our unique love. He would lay upon my lap to seek refuge and acceptance when the world troubled him, and yet… when the tables turn.. he would be my father figure and hold me like a baby to comfort my troubled soul.
He would be a brat and a monster because he is filled with passion and such a thing has its shadow-side… but he would be unafraid to reveal such emotion to me. He would trust me that he could expose all facets of himself in complete appreciation and acceptance by me. He would know that there are no mistakes and that everlasting forgiveness is given no matter whatever befell our relationship… he would know to his core I would never deny him or leave him. He would be sure enough of me to lay his life on the line and entrust to me. The man perfect for me is not at all a perfect person… he is completely flawed, and he loves himself no matter. He stands in the fire and seeks truth.
And he would accept my wackadoodleness... from PMS and emotional outbursts to occasional depths of despair.. and he'd care and not criticize, but help me find peace when I am "over the top".
The man I could love with all of me is a child… who likes to play and roughhouse and make up games and tickle and laugh. He isn’t too stuffy to run in the rain or do something reckless “just because”… he can put behind him all his responsibilities and really live in the moment. And he can buy into my arrangements for childlikeness, AND he can create a playground of his own making with the power to recruit me to want to engage in his own ideas for adventure.
The man I love need not be wealthy or of material things, but he is resourceful and conscientious and wants to make sure I am fed, warm, and happy. He assumes responsibility even when it is not required, even if he is met with polite refusal (because I'm stubborn and "don't need no help")… he fights to be a helper when he sees I need help.
The man I want to love me knows my heart and forgives me for my many, many flaws. He sees me as beautiful, despite weight or age or other physical imperfections. He sees my soul and my finer qualities and these things light his fire, brighten his world, nourish him… he flourishes because of my goodness and he overlooks anything anyone else might judge as “bad”.
The man I would/could/want to love chooses our love above all things, and even when competing priorities surface, such as work or children or other responsibilities, he may have to tend to other life matters, but it is clear where I stand and if push ever came to shove, he would protect me and us and never falter in such loyalty. He has my back! Likewise, he would trust that he is number one in my world, even though I love my children or have things to protect or care for… he knows my heart is his and that love is foremost in so many unspoken ways.
The man I would/could/want to love is complex and real… he is beautiful and full of life. There need not be exciting surroundings or events for us to engage.. there is utter satisfaction in just “being”… the kind of a summer day experience in which there is comfort in simplicity such as a warm breeze and a kiss, sitting on sand or a bench.
Sigh...
This is why I write romance novels.
Now is the Winter of Our Discontent
I love that phrase... it's in the movie, Goodbye Girl, my top fave romantic flick starring Richard Dreyfuss in which he plays an actor, specifically a role in Shakespeare's, Richard III, which I never read or saw, but know of....
Now is the winter of our discontent" are the opening words of the play and lay the groundwork for the portrait of Richard as a discontented man who is unhappy in a world that hates him. Later he describes himself as "Deformed, unfinished, sent before his time into this breathing world, scarce half made up". This deformity, which has now been shown to have been exaggerated or even deliberately faked in portraits of Richard, is given as the source of his supposed evil doings. He says that as he "cannot prove a lover" he is "determined to be a villain". Source
This is relevant stuff some 400 years after it was written.
As we ponder life and our place within it at this very moment... it's easy to pick out what isn't good enough, what we need more of, or wish we had. In our imagination, we have it alllll figured out - how people should behave, how our leaders could make a difference in our culture and communities, how our love relationships could be better... if only. And in our imagination, we can envision some sort of utopia, as if we had special insight that others do not... if only. I certainly am guilty of that, just like most people. I've been thinking about this recently... how life usually takes paths unexpected and sometimes we wonder how we got here... wherever "here" is today. And it matters not if you've suffered loss, illness or ruin... even a minor shift in your imagination lands you here not there, or someplace different than you once thought you'd be. And we all have some level of this no matter who you are. There have been some deaths of beautiful young movie stars who've recently committed suicide, gone missing, etc. Consider that.... Seems even the rich and famous have their share of discontent with the world, feeling displaced or alone in the world.
I think of this sort of universal existential despair (i.e. depression from simply being alive) afflicting people en masse. Shouldn't we be talking about this? And shouldn't we take measures as a country/culture/family/individual to dissuade it? To think of my children looking to their future without great hope.. is a tragedy. I care that we are afflicted!
I'm often accused of being a Pollyanna. I used to resent that, but have come to understand its truth. I am naive and a hopeless romantic. Sue me.
I watched a pretty good movie tonight called, Funny People (with Adam Sandler in it) that had elements of real life problems mixed in with the experience of being rich and famous, being adored by beautiful women combined with sickness, relationship failures, aging, etc. I reflect a moment upon a line from one of the supporting characters in the flick... the plot is unimportant for this blog post and it matters not if you saw the movie. The quote was, "There is anger, and underneath that anger is hurt, and underneath hurt is.......... love"
So think about that. When we consider our existential despair, it started out as beauty and love gone awry and riddled with confusion and disappointments which festered. And because we feel hurt, we build walls and ego defenses and lose hope. Underneath it all.... is the good stuff.
It's worth it to fight for good things even though it's hard. It is worth it to be concerned if discontent permeates our pores. We may not know the reasons why initially, but we should search ourselves for the root. Instead of complaining what is wrong, we should go deeper to the hurt and then deeper to the original notions that came from hope and love. We should ask ourselves instead of what someone else can do to save us from despair, but what went wrong along the way that we can somehow overcome. I've learned that there are no heroes except the one inside of each of us.
I'm not even sure if I'm articulating meaning in this posting, just sharing some thoughts that have been on my mind lately....
Whatever surrounds you in your winter of discontent, I hope you are not sweeping it under a carpet but instead care enough about your life to find your peace.
Be Kind. Simply That.
Maybe I've mentioned this next sentence in my blog in the past... I say it again not to be repetitive, but because it is something I upon which I often reflect:
"Be kind," Daddy told me, repeating it many times through my life, "Be kind because you don't know what people go home to."
We often take for granted that we know what we're dealing with in people with whom we work or socialize. We think we really know them... heck, we've been hanging with them for years. Yet we may not realize that sometimes the strongest of the strong are dealing with something personal that they haven't exposed or shared (e.g., a life crisis, memories that hurt, divorce, addiction, disease, relationship problems, mourning, financial issues, depression, etc.) It is more common than not in human behavior to keep things private, especially painful things, than blabber about them to everyone. You already know this: You're lucky if you have a best friend or partner with whom you trust to share your secrets, your feelings, your struggles--a person who supports and affirms you. Not everyone has this, or, even if they have a source for comfort, some people are just private and can't talk about things--EVER.
I heard the song, Only Kindness Matters on the radio tonight and got to thinking about its beautiful message. I love this line: "My hands are small I know, but they're not yours, they are my own...."
Everyone deals with their own stuff differently. Often the most competent strong folks are veiled... too proud to be weak. But make no mistake, there is a truth underneath it all-- a certian unspeakable humility, fear, love, pain, hope, despair. These truths are in all of us and connect us in spirit. The opportunity for love to emerge through kindness is everpresent.
I heard the song, Only Kindness Matters on the radio tonight and got to thinking about its beautiful message. I love this line: "My hands are small I know, but they're not yours, they are my own...."
Everyone deals with their own stuff differently. Often the most competent strong folks are veiled... too proud to be weak. But make no mistake, there is a truth underneath it all-- a certian unspeakable humility, fear, love, pain, hope, despair. These truths are in all of us and connect us in spirit. The opportunity for love to emerge through kindness is everpresent.
I'm not saying you have to go to church, or become a volunteer (although that is very very good), just be kind. Remember we don't always know it all. Some things we will never know about the lives close to us and even those peripherally with whom we come into contact.
If you are suffering privately.... I send you love and peaceful wishes.
Hands
Jewel
If I could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all o.k.
And not to worry
cause worry is wasteful
And unless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I wont be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steel your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there our's shall go singing
My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
My hands are small, i know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
God's hands
God's hands
I Will Always Love You
John Rendall and Anthony Bourke are just two dudes who bought a lion named Christian from a department store in 1969 (because, hey, you can do that). They eventually decided it was only appropriate to reintroduce him into the wild, which was probably really difficult for them to do as they'd (only naturally) become quite fond of their big kitty.
One year later, upon searching him out in Africa while filming a documentary for their story, called The Lion at World's End (or Christian The Lion), they actually did come across Christian. They didn't expect that he would remember them. Big surprise: he did, and their now-infamous, lion hugging reunion was captured on film.
Since animal videos make the YouTube go 'round, the clip took on new life online and became heavily shared and a viral phenomenon. On its own, the video is sweet, but with the assistance of one Ms. Whitney Houston and her power ballad "I Will Always Love You," the Christian the Lion video will instantly turn on the waterworks. And that's the power of the Internet right there.
Unpopular Opinions & Relationship Responses.
If you have a beloved partner, sibling or friend who knows your soul, who "gets" you.... it is a very cherished thing to behold, particularly when you feel you are against the tide of the world in your view of something. All it may take is that ONE hand to touch you, that one comment that says, "You know... you're entitled to your unpopular opinion, no matter what anyone else says... and I support who you are and love you no matter, and I don't think you're wrong/bad/crazy." Today, I want to take a brief moment to acknowledge the significance of affirming people who love no matter what. I am fortunate to actually have more than one of those people in my life, and they are cherished. I try to extend such unconditional love to others, as long as they are not hurtful.
If I could pick "who" I would want to be beside me in such open acceptance and friendship, I would love to add several key people more, with whom I'd like a deepening trusting relationship.... if only I had the magic to make that happen to improve things... if only they could... would try to see.... me as I am... and accept.
Think about this in your own life... Do you have a mother who criticizes your life choices? Or a spouse who who despises a particular opinion you have and doesn't respect it? These are barriers to intimacy and what tends to happen is, we either avoid those who are offended by us, or become "politically correct" and "nice" in their presence. Usually this happens after years of trying more assertive ways to be understood/accepted, all of which may have fell flat or ended up exacerbating circumstances.
That's such a lonely existence sometimes when you reach a point that you know your relationship is stunted/blocked. I think that nothing seems to put this thought in perspective more blatantly than the holidays when you go face-to-face or toe-to-toe with maybe an in-law, or a family member, someone with whom you know certain subjects are just "off-limits" because they will enrage or cause argument. So everyone acts "nice" with air kisses and arm's length hugs (oh, you know the body movement I speak of... it isn't genuine, it's for "getting through" a holiday or an evening). We even tell our kids... "I know you don't like Mr. X or Miss Y, just be nice, it's only a few hours... You don't want to go? Suffer. You HAVE to go. Just shut up about about subjects a and b, because that'll just start trouble."
I have people in my life I love dearly who do not understand me. And it's funny, I think, but not in a funny-like-a-clown way.... that there are those who see me as some open hippie chick who is far too free a thinker. And on the other end of the spectrum, there are people close to me who dislike my rigid thinking on certain values important to me. And these people with opposite perspectives can be in the same room with me, each having opinion far extreme from each other in their perception of who I am.
Does anyone REALLY know you? Love you deeply? And at a certain age, does it resonate with you that some people give up hoping that they will find love and understanding? Is this the en masse loneliness each feels among hordes of people surrounding us in work and family each day? And to wit, when we retire to our rooms at night with our books or journals or tv shows or computer games-- are these substitutes for human touch, to feel connected? How is it in the human condition with so many of us... it is so hard to find peace and joy with ease and not effort or positioning? Is it THEM where the problem lies, is it ME? Is it YOU? A combination?
Have you ever heard the phrase, "We come into the world alone and we leave alone?" Is that what I mean to say? You know I write to find out what I'm thinking... and there is a sadness here.
We each have many faces. Our public persona is typically the one we wear that most people see. It's a cleaned up version of ourselves that has a detachment about us, that helps us be effective in work, parenting, social events. Our ego prevails and we become adept and competent. Oh, but what lies underneath? The private persona is revealed to few, and in some cases, maybe to no one. This private face we wear is the honest one, and it is the one that offers others close to us the greatest intimacy and yet, the exposure/risk for the deepest pains. For some, if ever injured in those close relationships, this can spark a withdrawal that is difficult from which to recover. You can leave or settle into a less honest existence. This happens all the time in marriages, friendships, with parents and children. Sometimes we bargain with ourselves and God... promising to never again allow someone in that close, lest we be judged once again, and suffer such hurt and rejection. I know myself, I say to myself: I shall never ever trust again, or let anyone in or.... or, or.... this or that.
I realize I'm writing in general terms. I'm writing about a lifetime of compiled experiences. This is not a post intended to evoke sadness or anger, although it may to anyone reading this for whom this topic resonates. Simply, this blog entry is to point out the human condition of what it means to be understood in the waves of unpopular opinion... how blessed that can feel. Oh... if only by one friend, one hand to hold... male or female, no matter... just a soul with whom to connect, who in the darkness can remind you of who you are, when you feel so rejected by others, even a most significant other or important group, whomever, for example. Sometimes, all you need is ONE friend to understand.
My heart has always weighed heavy for relationships I have or had that cannot resolve or advance due to some unpopular opinion. I have longed to find trust and love all wrapped up in one package or one partner. That's a heavy duty order that can be a set up for failure if you enter a relationship with such an expectation. We have our ideas about what a parent should be or how a lover should be, or how a friend should be. But each person operates from their own truths, sometimes they do not parallel our own.... and differences emerge.
What do we do with these differences? Agree to disagree? Try to sell our ideas to the other? Acquiesce to what is popular and try to internalize it or become something different than who we are? Dummy down the relationship and avoid topics and just be nice? Walk away because we couldn't come to terms? We do all of these things in different ways at different times, never finding a method that seems to work across the board.
As a person who is often judged as having the "unpopular opinion," I continue to learn my lesson that pontification and attempting to teach the world to sing, isn't welcomed in more instances than my ego would like. The universe continues to teach me that in choosing to "be myself" is exposure and risk. I don't know what this life force is inside of me to continue to "fight" against the tides to be authentic, but it certainly is uncomfortable and disappoints me, time and time again.
But again.... there are significant people in this world... I like to call them angels... who for whatever reason, I don't quite understand how or why, save me from the depths of despair by supporting me and my unpopular opinions in all the honesty from which they come.
I guess it would be nice to "not care" what other people think... there is something to be said for striking a balance in being open and loving and accepting of others, knowing when to walk away, knowing what are the best actions to take in the face of discomfort, compromise/negotiate, and all the things that make relationships work. Even the greatest psychologists and gurus of healthy thinking STILL recognize the complexity of human relationships and the unique potential for each.
I hope today that you have someone in your life who helps you get along. I hope that you are a friend or lover to someone who needs you, too. I hope you, reading this, do not feel alone and unpopular in opinion, or if you do feel unpopular in opinion, that you are rich with confidence in that opinion, not letting anyone get in your way for what is right for you.
I believe in love. I believe in humanity.... even in the darkness. Like now. And I have good friends who help me.
thelovesurvey.org -- My Dissertation Project
I blogged a while ago about my upcoming presentation in Kansas as a new scholar at the International Association of Relationship Research (IARR). I just completed my "poster" for a poster presentation. It is 4 feet by 4 feet and I'm having it produced in color on crease-proof fabric, which will later be a momentum I can hang in my office.
My research will be conducted online... I'm creating a website and it's under construction now.
Take a peek (you can view my poster there, too)....
THUMBNAIL View - Click to go to Website
www.thelovesurvey.org
Cyber Cheating....
I'm reprinting an interesting article that appeared in the news recently about the potential for cyber communications to wreck marriages, etc. Is flirting online or sharing intimacies considered a betrayal to a real-time committed couple? What do you think? Have you seen this in your own life or those around you? I'm interested!
I created a poll posted here (to make your own survey/poll, it's free at freepolls.com), and I welcome your comments at this blog, too!
I created a poll posted here (to make your own survey/poll, it's free at freepolls.com), and I welcome your comments at this blog, too!
Posted September 24, 2009 15:39:00
Source: ABC NEWS
Cheating common in cyber sex world
By Gus Goswell
A study has found that over half of all internet users who engage in cyber sex are either married or in a serious offline relationship.
Melbourne psychologist Marcus Squirrell says the study of 1,325 internet users shows significant levels of infidelity and addiction.
Dr Squirrell carried out the research as part of his professional doctorate at Melbourne's Swinburne University.
Of the people who completed the questionnaire, 55 per cent said they were either married or in a serious offline relationship.
"I suppose one of the problems with it is that when you engage in cyber sex frequently enough, the actual arousal pattern to your partner often diminishes and it actually gets replaced with the online images," Dr Squirrell said.
"There's lots of people who report they actually prefer engaging in cyber sex and looking at pornography and masturbating online than actual face-to-face-encounters."
Mr Squirrell says online infidelity can have the same impact on a partner as other forms of cheating.
"Even if somebody isn't actually meeting up with somebody online it has the same sorts of ramifications as a face-to-face affair, because people feel that they've been cheated on even if the partner's just looking at pictures," he said.
Dr Squirrell's survey shows men have a strong preference for looking at pornographic pictures and videos, while women are twice as likely to use web cameras, to send sexually explicit emails or spend time in chat rooms.
He recruited survey participants by advertising within cyber sex user groups - sites that are generally used by people who spend a greater than average amount of time engaged in cyber sexual activities.
Almost half of those who took part in the survey live in North America; 12 per cent said they were Australians.
The average respondent was male, well-educated, and in their early 40s.
Around 40 per cent of respondents identified themselves as heterosexual, with others listing their sexual orientation as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual.
Hours of online sex
While the average participant in Mr Squirrell's sample group said they spent just over 12 hours a week engaging in sexual activity online, some people reported engaging in cyber sex for up to 10 hours a day.
Dr Squirrell says while not all sexual activity online is harmful, some people are desperate to overcome an addiction to online sex.
He treats about seven online sex addicts at his practice in Melbourne's inner south.
"They're absolutely at the end of their tether in terms of being able to control their behaviour themself," he said.
"Clients will even go as far as putting filters and blocks on websites. They've often made changes like putting their computer into other rooms.
'I've got one client who frequently looks at cyber sex at work and just struggles to control that behaviour."
Fighting the addiction
Dr Squirrell says he often suggests people fighting an addiction to cyber sex install filtering devices or join support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, which offer a 12-step program based on the Alcoholics Anonymous model.
He says it is important to realise that not all cyber sexual activity is harmful.
"Most people can engage in cyber sex and take it or leave it. But there is significant minority, like there is with all addictions, where the behaviour just gets absolutely completely out of control," he said.
Dr Squirrell says there is a need for more support services for people who do want to overcome their online sex addiction.
"There's very few people out there who really specialise in the area," he said.
"What I'm trying to get off the ground is actually an e-therapy program like they have for some other conditions, with training modules where people can actually go through the process of treatment online and engage with a therapist occasionally.
Favorite Poem
To his Coy Mistress
by Andrew Marvell
Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.
But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.
Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
by Andrew Marvell
Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.
But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.
Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.
Unconditional versus Conditional Love
I think we'd all like to be loved "unconditionally" Wouldn't it be great to just be loved and not have to earn it, but "just because"???? Can you imagine it?
I'd like to open up discussions about Conditional versus Unconditional Love.
I am thinking that "conditional love" gets a bad rap. I want to know what you think.
This quote resonated with me...
Unconditional love,” a love without conditions, is a lazy love. It overlooks rather than understands. It allows rather than safeguards
Another excerpt from an article I was reading said this,
God's love is a MORAL love and a conditional love. "Relationship love" is NOT unconditional!
Many have taught that the love of God is an "unconditional" love in relationships: That we are to "love" those who have violated us without seeking justice or protection from that violation. "Unconditional love" as currently taught by the church imprisons people in bad marriages.
So... Unconditional Love... what is it good for?
____
Source: divorcehope.com
Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
It's amazing how many close friends of mine are all going through the same sort of couples issues. In each case... One partner wants something more and the other partner not so much. And the tug can last years... fraught with manipulations, ploys, gentle or not so gentle nudges to get what is desired such as "their" way about how to live or parent, for things like attention, sex or love, meaningful emotional connection, a disarmament of things coming between the two (addiction, other influences), control -- these are just examples. Each heart has its own desires and wishes, and I would venture to say that the underlying feelings are pure and not necessarily evil, albeit there is a great deal of selfishness abound, generally speaking. Sometimes people just don't want the same things, regardless of the love they feel.
Within a pair, it is so sad when you are the one feeling empty and unfulfilled, but it is also sad for the one who cannot give because it's not in them and they wish it were so, but it's not there. You can pretend and give in. Or, you can fight the fight and not bend, still hopeful for change by the partner. You can cut the cord and be done. But most people just stay in misery or dysfunction.... they die that slow death of a relationship.... until numbness takes over and nobody cares.
My heart breaks today for those suffering this plight.
Within a pair, it is so sad when you are the one feeling empty and unfulfilled, but it is also sad for the one who cannot give because it's not in them and they wish it were so, but it's not there. You can pretend and give in. Or, you can fight the fight and not bend, still hopeful for change by the partner. You can cut the cord and be done. But most people just stay in misery or dysfunction.... they die that slow death of a relationship.... until numbness takes over and nobody cares.
My heart breaks today for those suffering this plight.
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