Sometimes things seem worthy of repeat --- let's call them "bloggable things".

I said something that elicited a surprised reaction from someone.

What's funny is the response to it was, "Well smack my ass and call me Sally".

That amused the hell out of me. Not exactly a new phrase, but new enough to me. I'm adding this to my repetoire of speech. (Yes, it's funnier if a GUY says it, but still.) I've been told that replacing "Sally" with "Judy" also works. And that made me laugh hard, too...

Ya got any favorite amusing one liners? Tell me some.

A while ago I posted a blog entry entitled "Excessive Rate" which gives the backstory to the fact that whenever I write a check, I write something off color in the memo section of it.

I was just looking at my checkbook online and had to laugh… I noticed a deduction and couldn’t remember what that was.. til I clicked on it to open up the actual check image. It was the $1,200 check I’d written to Community Hospital at 4:45 A.M. on the day of surgery. I don’t even remember writing the damn thing… but in the “memo” space at the bottom left of the check, I had written “a fun time”. I just crack myself up!

Even funnier… Someone at the hospital crossed out my “memo” and wrote my account number over the top of “a fun time”.

Don’t they have any sense of humor whatsoever???

They came at night
They got on top of me
They touched me
They bit, sucked, swallowed
when they were satisfied, they left
I was hurt...
bloody....



Mosquitoes!

How To Shower Like a Woman

How To Shower Like a Man

A friend sent me this and I absolutely love the emails that get passed around that have to do with the differences between genders. There's one about how men and women take showers... I'm going to google that and post it here next.


This one about how men and women do ATM banking is a knee-slapper!

******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Below is a Christmas Party Invitation... I remembered it as something that tickled me the first time I'd read it... thought I'd posit it in case someone hadn't seen it previously. Enjoy!



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

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Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Have you ever sent a text message (or an email, even) that you wish you didn't? Oh do share your story... I'm too embarrassed right now to tell you my faux pas.

There's a compilation of text messages "sent last night" submitted by users, themselves. My God this is funny: www.textsfromlastnight.com or subscribe at Twitter http://twitter.com/TFLN This makes me love people.... so raw, so real, so natural and funny.

Heh.

I was sitting waiting for an appointment and thought of all the things people do that are quirky or ways they prepare food that are different than usual, etc. So I started a list. What sorts of quirky things do you do or like?

• Water with meals, never soda
• Coca-cola never Pepsi
• cotton sheets not silky
• toilet paper with the roll coming over the top
• New to me: Dark turkey n0t white meat
• Levis 515 jeans never designer
• Ribeye cut over NY Strip, Filet, etc.
• New: Short Men instead of Tall Mean
• Ivory Soap
• The color yellow
• Dentyne cinnamon gum (hard to find)
• tights never pantyhose
• Farmville on Facebook
• Paperbacks not hard covers
• Fingernails never painted but toenails, yes
• bangs
• Female hairstylests but Male doctors
• Brown hair not blonde
• Marlboro menthol ultra lights 100s
• Texting or Emails not Phone Calls

Heard on the news that someone checked into the psych ward wearing only a thong & riding a goat. I'll come get you, but this shit has to stop.

Now that picture takers are all over the country, I'll rethink running out like that.

Enjoy www.peopleofwalmart.com