I don't watch the Oprah Show very often, but several months ago I caught Oprah's interview with the 2008 Presidential Candidate, John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, who spoke about her book, Resilience, which I read with great fervor. The classy Elizabeth is battling breast cancer, the difficulty living a public life, and the airing of the couple's dirty laundry hung out for public consumption following John's affair with the young Rielle Huneris (a fan who introduced herself by telling John, "You are so hot..." to which started the saga of his extramarital affair). Since the book's publishing and TV interview, a baby was born to the mistress, suspected to be John's. And in the NY Times, as well as other news sources today, it was said that John is planning a wedding with Rielle once Elizabeth dies (article here).

OK... these stories are everyday stories. Scandals. People have affairs. Babies are born out of wedlock. Politicians fall down. Everyone hurts. The world judges. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

We pay attention because we are a public which are voyeurs. We pay attention because within us arises concern about things that could happen to us. We wonder how we are different or if we'd handle things another way than we see others acting and reacting. There are many psychological (dysfunctional) payoffs in the media spotlighting other family tragedies, but I don't think it's such a bad thing to reflect in meaningful ways as consumers of such information and as regular people trying our hardest to get through life being decent people.

I'm blogging about this because it's real stuff. Human stuff. I'm not talking about the DRAMA of it all and the sensationalism... I'm talking closer to the heart... and that there may be positive take aways from these types of stories when we are witness to such difficulties in others' lives. I've followed this story because it is about heroes, forgiveness and bravery, as much as it is about temptation, lust, greed and power. These are the things in life representing the dark and the light... with opportunities for the best to emerge as potential outcome and the demise of lives and legacy having equal billing as a potential outcome. There are so many messages in this story and others like it. It's the makings of a good book or cable TV movie... as a fiction hack, I am drawn to compelling characters and plots with crooked paths and challenges. Through it all, lies the opportunity for people to emerge heroes and heroines.... or, fall to an untimely demise. Life can be so unkind.

A lot of people might ask, why in the world do women who have been scorned get on TV and defend their man with all the associated judgment and public humiliation? Do they not have dignity? Do they not have responsibility.... owe womankind an example of being intolerant of such marital abuses? Hillary Clinton, Silda Wall Spitzer, Jackie Kennedy... are examples in our history of other women who stood by their men in the face of extreme humiliation. These women were not losers or dogs, they were/are bright people. And there has been much publicity for years about their decision to remain loyal.

Yet, consider the converse position: Some women have other reasons for standing by. Could it be financial? Keeping peace with children in the home? Maybe they truly exude forgiveness and love and are optimistic that the affair/misdeed was small enough an infraction that they can recover? I like to think of that... that hope and faith stayed strong despite betrayals. You know, Elizabeth and John are married 32 years. That's a long time. But it is difficult to know why the betrayed stay steady... if reasons are pure and good or for more shallow reasons (fame, money).

My opinion is to lean on the side of compassion. This does not mean I advocate people acting irresponsibly, particularly when they are role models or in a position of leadership and influence... not only is the bar high for moral code when one is married, but it is even higher and subject to greater scrutiny when a person is a figure of the public. Only the strongest will survive the public arenea and you know what? How many heroes really ever led the American people? How many true, blue folks do the right stuff? I'd bet there are quite a number who uphold standards, only we don't see THEM in the news.... only the sexy side of scandal... My God there is so much dirt before our eyes.

Elizabeth Edwards is noteworthy. I think she's someone to listen to. I loved her book, and admire her grace. She took the high road and sucked it up... sucked it all up that something really shitty happened in her marriage. It popped her bubble of goodness she believed present in her world. Such a tragedy she faced! The ache... the self-blame and loathing which is a psychological response common among women who were cast aside in favor of a younger lover. And yet, she chose to forgive. She accepted John's weaknesses with love and extreme faith for overcoming this... keeping her family together. The children are young and still so influenced. Her interview... Elizabeth's book... were remarkable words of tremendous strength and choice... but more importantly, honest - so brutally honest. Before you judge her to be some stupid woman standing by her man... learn first what she stands for, why she does what she does. She has self-reflected and came to a level of peace in living the rest of her life.

And to the matter of Miss Rielle. We don't know much about her... I try to be fair. If you haven't read the Scarlett Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, then do. It's a masterpiece of literature and it speaks to being a woman adultress from the adultress's position. I remember reading The Scarlett Letter in high school and from that, realizing the power of classic fiction to inspire thinking. It is so easy for society to judge behavior because we have social norms, we are led by Biblical teachings and we have honored traditions we uphold. But do not mistake the fine guidance that most of us try to adhere to as the be-all/end-all... we are NOT God and can hardly judge.

We all have our own opinions about what people "should" do that, seem the right thing for them. I wonder if, as you've read all I've written here (particularly with regard to the compassion part), if you think I'd stay with John Edwards if I were Elizabeth and just roll over, accepting "what is" (oh I hate that phrase, "It is what it is") Truth is, I wouldn't stay. In the case of Elizabeth, despite that I admire her loyalty and bravery, if I were her, I'd leave the man and take my kids.... in part, because I'd realize our love wasn't strong enough to hold together, or that the relationship had run its course in 32 years, and maybe we're not meant to be together a lifetime, and in part, because I think he really wants to be with the young lady with his new baby, and in part, I might not be able to get over the entire ordeal and trust again. That's just my two cents worth.

If I were John, I'd be so incredibly embarrassed and sorry and seek forgiveness and speak out to the public in honesty with messages to inspire those who followed his campaign, gave him money, believed in him. And I'd try hard to settle into a more private existence, seeking an authentic life that is true and smaller and sweeter.

If I were Rielle, even in love for John, I'd be unlikely to believe he was capable of having an honorable second marriage/fatherhood and I'd plan on living with my mistake and being a good mom to my baby girl. I'd be sorrowful for the irresponsibility of seeking lust and sex from another woman's man and seek forgiveness of self and a future that is more responsible.

So this good-looking, well-spoken (with a European accent,) 40s-something man named Philippe, is living in Michigan. He's a Don Juan/Casanova archetype who dates really clean, attractive, classy (mature - aged 40-60) ladies... he was steady with 12 of them at one time.... for years. Each didn't know about the other, and each woman believed with all her heart that she was the only one and she was in a committed, monogamous, exclusive relationship, complete with physical benefits. This guy was described by his girlfriends as intelligent, sexy, made them feel they were the only woman on earth. He professed love. They had sex with him (unprotected) and were certain all was good. For some, the relationship lasted as long as 4 years.

One of the women became suspicious about him and conducted her own investigation.... was able to access his voice mail and confirmed that he had other women. She then got his cell phone bill - detailed - and matched up calls to women. There were so many... and then, the shocker... she was diagnosed with full blown AIDs. Long story short... she found the other 12 women, convinced them to talk with her/meet and they, too, had gotten HIV or AIDS. These women became friends.... they worked with the police and health dept. to try to stop Philippe from infecting others.

Under the privacy act of HIPAA.... there are no laws that Mr. Casa Nova has to disclose he has this disease. He knew since 1999 he had it and still, he was promiscuous. There was a review of legalities on the show... today, Philippe is in jail and very ill and thin. Still, there are no laws of protection and these woman are now advocates for criminalizing sexual promiscuity of a person who knows he has an infectious disease and knowingly passes it along. There was discussion on the show about ethics and the role of doctors/hospitals/Health Departments and police, etc.

1.) First, my thinking (limited to what I saw on TV) is that Philippe was and remains in complete denial despite the facts of his disease, and doesn't accept responsibility that he is harming others. He is what psychologists would call a narcissist and either a psychopath or a sociopath (the first, psychopathy, being a mental disorder that is organic, the sociopath, in contrast, becomes mentally ill as a response to early developmental psychological damage in infancy/childhood--e.g. abuse or neglect, for example, which leaves the individual with defective thought processing and later compensating behaviors emerge. What is interesting and something I still can't seem to swallow... is the psychiatric and psychological professions view these pathologies as untreatable and most attempts for treatment to be futile. What is so disturbing, is the fact that these types of individuals are charming, likable, integrated into society... and may be your next door neighbor. Their disorder is not apparent.

Philippe falls into the category of sex predators and pedophiles. They are considered the dregs of humanity and, even in prison, are personality types subject to complete hatred, even by the baddest of bad criminals. Such deviants are rejected by all of society in most world cultures, not just America.

This won't gain me much support in what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway... any life, even the lowest form of criminal.... there is an element of my compassion. I do not understand this about myself... and seek to one day know. But it absolutely defies what I feel humanity is about to reject a life completely because we do not understand the psychology or medical condition causing the behaviors. I want to see science CARE enough and want to dig deeper to find solutions. I want to live in a world in which we do not give up and call someone or something "untreatable". To rather say... "Today, in 2009, we do not have answers and so our temporary solution is to remove the perpetrator from society so that he doesn't hurt others.... but there still is hope and an element of belief in recovery."

I don't want to defend what my dearest friends have called, "Mary Poppins" thinking. I don't have to defend it. It just is. But I know that I have a responsibility in this world... Given my thinking... I think you might agree that this is good enough reason why I chose not to go into counseling or therapy as a psychologist. In that clinical aspect of the field, it truly takes a mind of great discipline (and less emotionalism than I exhibit) to interact with serious pathologies, to treat based on current day methods, and accept that one cannot fix or heal all persons and things. I do not have the make-up to be a good therapist (my opinion, alone)... although I have other good attributes in psychology in the areas of education, research and writing, et. al. Simply stated, my compassion, my emotional involvement... drain me, hurt me.

Point of all of this.... It's just not a black and white picture about light and dark and good versus bad.... Pathologies and "what is normal?" lie on a spectrum with two ends, and somewhere, there may be balance and stabilization. We need greater understanding with more scientific research and experiments and trials. This field still has so far to go, I think. Again, this is not being a sympathetic heart to a criminal, I am simply recognizing that the behaviors of a psychopath/sociopath are NOT understood from a scientific and analytical position... given limitations in the field. That's all about that...

Now, on the psychology of the women.... I read some of the opinions posted at 20 20s website... many women wrote in to express anger at the women in this interview. They were angry because the women represented themselves as "victim," when personal responsibility is something about which they might have considered. And I agree here. Many of these women fell prey to the fairy tale and got caught up. In loving Philippe and wanting to please him, one woman went to a "swingers club" with him, even though she was not of that lifestyle. In the interview, the women failed to recognize their own poor choices because they "wanted" to believe Philippe was honest and caring for their best interests, they wanted to believe that they had finally found true love.

Don't we do that? That phrase.... "Looking at the world through rose colored glasses".... don't we want to pretend things are nicer than they are, that people are honest and good and trustworthy? Because who would want to date someone who is careful, who has boundaries and rules which come before risk-taking and loving with abandonment and in the throes of passion? Who would want to date someone who isn't passionate enough to fall into the physicality of the moments under moonlight, enhanced by the potion of wine and under hypnosis by song? Who is going to want to hang out with a chick who has a checklist asking, "When is the last time you had sexual relations and to what extend do you know of that partner's medical history?" You see... there is a true difficult spot between personal responsibility and romance.

I'll address the nuts and bolts about protected/unprotected sex in item #2... For now, I am NOT defending the women who were harmed by Philippe. I'm just saying... it is easy to see the concept of being swept away in romance. It is understood. As a consequence, there is something important for people watching that show last night to learn. And maybe now, as viewers, people will be more careful at the risk of popping the bubble of the fairy tale.

2.) How can you tell if a brown towel is clean? I know people who don't use condoms when they meet someone new, with whom they begin a sexual relationship; that's because, they say he or she is very clean (free from germs), dresses nice, comes from a good part of town or from a good family, has had only a few partners and is considered low risk, says he/she just had a blood test and is clean...etc. These are poor excuses. I have friends who have told me, "I make sure they shower before we romp...." Oh, Really? Soap on the loins kills the HIV virus? Does your shampoo take care of lice or crabs?

A brown towel that is used and hung on a hook to dry can later appear clean, for your next us, but someone might have dragged it across their butt crack and now you're wiping your face on it.

Crude, but a point I wanted to make.

Not everyone who ever contracted the AIDS virus, HIV or any STD was promiscuous, a swinger in the ghetto, etc. It happens to good people, CLEAN people... people with degrees and managerial jobs and young and old, alike. They are people who shower and brush their teach and have nice haircuts. You're kidding yourself if you think you can identify who is at risk for disease and who is safe.

Whoever you f*ck, you literally have f*cked everyone they ever f*cked and their partners and their partners, until a friggen baseball stadium is filled with people. Herpes and chlamydia can lay dormant for 10 years and then surface.

If you think a condom protects you from STD, I have some info to share: The source of these facts is HERE

"Counting on condoms is flirting with death." -- Dr. Helen Singer-Kaplan, founder of the Human Sexuality Program at the New York Weill Cornell Medical Center, Cornell University.

"Dr. Richard Gordon, International AIDS Conference presenter and University of Manitoba professor, concluded after live studies that red dye testing demonstrated that seminal fluid leaks out of even properly-fitted condoms both prior to and after orgasm."
--Beverly Sottile-Malona. "Condoms and AIDS." America, November 2, 1991.

According to Contraceptive Technology, the condom's user effectiveness rate is 85 percent9. This means that, under real-world conditions, a woman whose sexual partners use condoms for every act of sexual intercourse has a 15 percent chance of becoming pregnant in a year.

1,609 of 4,666 women (34.5 percent) obtaining abortions at the Leeds Marie Stopes International abortion clinic were using condoms that failed.

27% of the abortions performed at Paris' Hospital St. Louis are done because of condom failure.

"Of 100 women whose partner uses a condom for one year, 3 to 36 will become pregnant."
--"United States Department of Health, Education and Welfare. Contraception: Comparing the Options.

One test showed that 14.6 percent of condoms used in a clinical trial either broke or slipped off the penis during intercourse or withdrawal.

"As has been discussed, condoms do not offer protection for diseases that are transmitted by skin to skin contact such as human papilloma virus and herpes simplex virus, frequently found throughout the genital area in infected individuals. No degree of condom education will curb the transmission of these organisms." --Stephen Genuis, M.D. "What About the Condom?" Risky Sex (2nd Edition). Edmonton, Alberta: KEG Publishing, 1991.

"The condom was useless as a prophylactic against gonorrhea and even under ideal conditions against syphilis." --Nicholas J. Fiumara, M.D., Massachusetts Department of Public Health. "Effectiveness of Condoms in Preventing V.D." New England Journal of Medicine, October 21, page 972.

• Genital chlamydial infection is the most common bacterial STD in the United States, and is the leading cause of preventable infertility and ectopic pregnancies.
  

• Genital warts (condyloma acuminata) are caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), the most common viral STD in the United States, accounting for three million new cases each year. HPV is present in an estimated 50 percent of all sexually active young women, and, as with other STDs, is associated with multiple sexual partners and with earlier intercourse.

• Gonorrhea - caused by strains resistant to treatment, and up to one-fourth of all infected men have no symptoms. Gonorrhea can also infect other mucous membranes, including the mouth. The disease can have extremely serious consequences if left untreated, including sterility, pelvic abscesses and severe health problems for infants born to infected mothers.

• Hepatitis B is a particularly dangerous problem in some developing countries. It can lead to chronic hepatitis, cirrhosis, cancers, hepatic (liver) failure and death. There is no cure for Hepatitis B, and up to 20 percent of the general population in many developing countries show signs of infection.

• Herpes genitalis is caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV) - most show no symptoms. Those who do show symptoms may have painful ulcers in the genital or mouth area.

• Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) is a result of infection with other STDs and viruses/bacteria such as gonorrhea and E. Coli. PID afflicts one million American women each year, 20 percent of whom require hospitalization. PID also inflames the Fallopian tubes and is a leading cause of ectopic pregnancy.

• Syphilis, one of the deadliest STDs, recently reached its highest level in 40 years, with 134,000 people in the United States newly infected in 1990.Untreated syphilis can lead to rashes, lesions, paralysis, aneurysms, blindness and death.

So... don't be so sure you are a good judge of a brown towel or a sexual partner.