So I read my self-help books. You remember my earlier blog posts... "Stop Overreacting" etc.... the books about lightening up. Read a book.. be healed? It kind of reminds me of my mother who used to watch the Hawaiian guy on cable TV teach an exercise class (while she's sitting in her recliner sipping coffee, NOT exercising). Or, like the old Seinfeld episode when Jerry goes to get his rental car and there isn't one available ("Anyone can TAKE a reservation, it's KEEPING the reservation that counts).

Theory versus real world, I guess.

I wish I were a better actress… who lets shit roll off the back and smiles when she cries inside. I wish I could hold back when some passionate compelling thought begs to be spoken when really some things are better left unsaid or won’t matter in the long run. Choosing battles? All battles are good enough for me!

I wish I could refrain from teaching, pontificating, correcting and espousing what’s right and wrong, good and bad, when opportunity arises (often). I wish I could fade into the background and not be noticed. Why can’t I whisper or be coy? Why must I jump and run instead of sashaying?

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

Everything's Cool.

Relax! No Biggie!

And if you’re like me and you do care… if you get excited about things (good or bad)…. You’re just a freak like me.

Where do my kind live? Are you my people?

Signed,

A Dog playing with Cats

P.S. Check this out for inspiration: STEPHEN COVEY'S 90/10 PRINCIPLE

I'm working on a project for a friend. It involves typesetting a book with photos to self-publish... a book that was written by my friend's friend in her last year of life. Although the writer was sick, she was blessed with enough good days in her final year of the cancer to write with love of all her travels and fond memories, beginning with the earliest childhood experiences she could recall. Interestingly, she never completed the part of her life story from her cancer diagnosis (as if it were insignificant). And what a lovely celebration of a life to focus on the lived experiences, not dwell upon its ending. Her beloved life partner will treasure this book, and so will her friends and family. I have many hours left on the project... but it got me reflective.

This woman (and I did not personally know her) took every chance to live. When she met someone in another country and had a chance to go dirt bike riding, she seized it fearlessly. When she made friends at a bar, she'd go on a date with a guy she just met. These are examples of opportunities we may all be presented from time to time. Are you adventuresome? Would you just "go" and "do"?

I ponder a few times I engaged the unknown for a chance to experience. I was about 16 at the beach with my girlfriend and met a couple of guys who brought their Hobie Cat boat to the shore. They asked us if we'd like to go on the boat with them and we did. We ended up so fricken far from our spot on the beach, we got a little scared (I bet it was 25 miles)... so we asked them to take us back. They did. But I remember later telling my girlfriend that we were a bit stupid to run off like that... could have ended up dead, who knows. No I.D., just bikinis. Jesus. And really, since 16, I almost always made safer choices.

I traveled alot on business in the 90's. Just domestic. But I got to go to high end places like Scottsdale, AZ... Palm Springs, CA... and big cities like NYC and Indianapolis - with a corporate credit card and usually strapping handsome salesmen who looked out for me during the trips. Traveling at trade shows and being the marketing girl demonstrating products, meant lots of pick-ups. God, so many people f*ck around when they travel. I never did... and I had many times and enough wine in me I could've. But I staved it all off in favor room service if I didn't have a "group" dinner, and a good book I brought along on the trip. No regrets there. BUTTTT....

I could have gotten closer to the breath of the tigers in innocent ways... maybe engaged some interesting people -- sightseeing, dinner, and called it a night. I didn't ever want to give a message of availability, so even "just friends" type of approaches were rebuffed by me. Most of the women I ever traveled with thought I was crazy to miss opportunities to see and be seen as they all did. They were seasoned and cool. I was pretending to be seasoned and cool... and really very square.

I think if I were to write the story of my life, the pages of exciting travels and places and people would be mostly blank. And I ponder that with a tad bit of sadness. My stories would instead be of life lessons and things somewhat esoteric and philosophical... my observations, my contemplations, my angst, and my victories of the soul, the significance of children and love, and home and meaning of life -- perspective. I have lived more than half my life... and it has been a quest for knowledge and contributing in meaningful work, and of course, to love and give.

I'm sitting here wondering why I didn't go to Europe in college when it was offered... because something else called me here. I am sitting here wondering if putting all the money into my walls of home should have been disbursed into some business investments (there were plenty of chances)... or really risked some of the conservative employment choices I made when I had such an entreprenuial spirit and fearlessness back when. (as that song goes, "If I were a sculptor, but then again, No")




Maybe I should have ridden the Ferris Wheel instead of looking at the crotchedy old carney operating the ride and thinking it wasn't safe. Maybe I should have held myself out for greater things and not settled for safe.

And yet... being 46 (I think of myself as a young 46, perhaps even "stunted" for my youth was lost so early to work and home so early).... maybe there is still hope for me?

I probably sound like a classic case of midlife crisis.

There is so much stuff inside of me. So much passion and zeal and ambition. And I am frustrated.

My question for you is one you've seen before: If you knew you could not fail, what is it you would do?

Tell me.

And if you could look into a crystal ball and see your future.... what does it show you?

Are you hopeful?


Did you miss the boat?


Any regrets?


Discuss.


xoxoxo

Blog duldroms. Does anyone read this?

I've been focused on other things and blogging fell by the wayside.

1) Started teaching a college class, Human Growth & Development, at Rasmussen College for the next 11 weeks. It's half online and 2 hours a week in the classroom.
2) Volunteer Work - Doing my Homeowner's Association Website
3) Done with my PhD dissertation (awaiting defense conference scheduling - I'm ready!)
4) Rewriting Dissertation (170 pages) to a small journal article (about 25 pages) to publish... targeting The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships and also preparing a book proposal (need to find an agent).
5) Kevin is back home from Canada and I've been cooking meals every day.
6) Cleaning closets and using SPACE BAGS (as seen on TV) to freeze dry winter clothes and fat clothes and store neatly.
7) Decided I absolutely HATE shopping crowds and am now ordering all my dry foods, cleaning items, kitchen stuff that isn't produce or meat ONLINE delivered (walmart.com, Amazon Grocery, etc.). I'm only going to Save-a-lot for produce & cold items. It's working out great!
8) Reading lots... Love the Kindle. Further to earlier blogging... definitely working on issues of impatience and bad behaviors!

What's up with you?

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Product Description

Stop Overreacting helps you identify your emotional triggers, discover a new way of processing impulsive thoughts and feelings, and understand how your emotions can undermine your ability to think rationally in moments of crisis and stress. You'll learn how to neutralize overwhelming emotions and choose healthy responses instead of flying off the handle. Ready to make a change for the better? It's time to stop overreacting and start feeling collected and in control.

Stop Overreacting is a valuable guidebook for navigating the basic struggles of our emotional world.

--Beth Jacobs, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Writing for Emotional Balance

Link to Relationship Book

Beloved Friends,

I need your help.

I'm an equal opportunity OFFENDER. That means anyone in my path is subject to my abusive ways. I'm not sure if this ugliness about me comes through my blogging (does it?)... I'm aware of my persona, I think, but I guess I need to be MORE aware and start caring a little more.

OK, so... someone I love told me I have to "lighten up". I take things too seriously, get mad over little things, I leave dead bodies strewn about the landscape with verbal attacks when I am criticized. Every issue is important to me and I'm always ready for a fight or a debate. Things are often about ME and not about US (whoever "us" may be) and being right always takes precedence over getting along with others.

I think pretty much that sums up the truth about me. It's not hard to get a rise out of me. Just wind me up. You'll get fists. Scowls... fast reaction and a quick wit to return verbally what comes at me.

Some would say it's an insecurity of sorts. Oh bother... who the hell isn't insecure (<--see! There it is again! The "attitude" coming out again)

I'm well aware that this character trait about me doesn't mesh well with the peace & harmony agenda of Planet Earth, which of course permeates business, personal relationships, dealings with the public -- pretty much all of daily living.

I know I can't "buy" a sense of humor and light heartedness (cuz if I could I would). I do wish there was a reform school for people like me.... hardheaded women. I first noticed my evil ways in business when I would come up against opposition about something in which I believed was right and good. Rules of decorum were usually broken and sometimes even with some sick glee inside of me.

If things are going too smoothly in any aspect of life... well, you can count on me to stir the pot and create chaos, where I emerge on some journey of corrective action... leading the pack into new ways.

I'm sure this is all very psychological... but for now, let's not go through a review of my effed-up childhood or significant life events to find what went wrong in my early years to make me such a freak. Suffice it to say, I'd like to NOT psychoanalyze this and instead, find some coping mechanisms and new habits and approaches to every day living. I would like a FAST-TRACK to improved behavior.

I need advice.

For example, when I am at a restaurant and I need a napkin and the waiter is no where in sight, I'm the type of person to jump up, go behind a counter or in the kitchen (employees only area) and get what I need. This makes people with me a little nervous, which I understand... I'm jussayin, this is what's wrong and the very types of behavior that need to be softened. They are habits and they are deeply ingrained.

I kinda yell, too.

I think hanging up the phone as appropriate action when someone says something I don't like.
Or saying "F you," when someone is rude (which I realize "f you" is also quite rude). But that isn't nice to say to mother, so to speak. Or a boss, or a clerk at the gas station.

Charm school for grownups?

A book about finding peace and humor?

Googling the key phrase, "how to lighten up"?

Any suggestions?

Sigh.

Signed,

Chuckles the Clown

Sometimes things seem worthy of repeat --- let's call them "bloggable things".

I said something that elicited a surprised reaction from someone.

What's funny is the response to it was, "Well smack my ass and call me Sally".

That amused the hell out of me. Not exactly a new phrase, but new enough to me. I'm adding this to my repetoire of speech. (Yes, it's funnier if a GUY says it, but still.) I've been told that replacing "Sally" with "Judy" also works. And that made me laugh hard, too...

Ya got any favorite amusing one liners? Tell me some.

I know. I haven't blogged. You let me know. I have been writing. Just not here.

Checked a few boxes of things done these past few weeks: I completed my dissertation. I await the scheduling for defense of my research. I'm considering walking the graduation ceremony (will require travel) to receive my doctorate degree... This would be a quiet, solo celebration that I just may want to indulge... my research has been my lover for quite a number of years... my life's work. It's a personal goal achieved and I feel it through me with great passion.

I've been working on home improvements... new plantation shutters, herb garden, new lawn.

I have been intensely involved with Kelly's high school graduation, prom, award ceremonies, and college preparations. She's moving on campus in early August. Another transition in the household.

I've been very close with friends in transition lately... have even gone out for girls night, etc. Entertained in the home, etc. Feeling socially engaged and alive in it right now.

I'm in a state of contemplation... a good place, actually.

I am open, full of joy, aspiring, excited about many potential things to come. My world feels rich with relationships I nurture. Hmmmm and I don't know why, but for once, I feel some of the good things I put out there are beginning to flow back to me in kind. It kinda gives me pause... and at the same time scares me.

Why is so hard to accept love and goodness when it comes one's way? It's so easy to give, but to receive, it's just so humbling...

So that's the short of the news these days... I will write longer the way I usually do... soon.

How are you? I am on Facebook by the way... lots of pictures always get posted there.

So, I got my usual Springtime bug-up-my-butt burst of energy and desire to make things nice. So.. Here are a few pics of my new lawn, new flooring (shown is Kev's room)... And as a cheap alternative to real curtains or shades, I bought a roll of bamboo reed fencing in the garden department of Home Depot ($23) and hung the fence up with a bunch of nails to block the Florida sun. AND, I've been using my new grill... last night's chicken came out great, but takes a long time to cook. Having fun.

Learning to cook on a grill is on my bucket list.

So today I bought myself a gas grill. Then I stopped at the store and got some NY strip steaks and baking potatos and fresh corn on the cob and mushrooms and salad fixings. And I invited over my sister and her daughter and my Kelly was here. And I called my ex to ask if he'd show me how to grill and come to dinner. And he came, and I learned. And we listened to Jimmy Buffet and we talked, and we laughed like old times. And I had fun.

But then I got sad, for things that used to be but are no more...

And I think I drank too much wine for my head hurts. So I'm going to lay down now and put something on the TV that is fun and stupid. But I wanted to blog first and post these pictures.

The end.

My daughter is a hulahoop champion. And I am not.

Today, just for fun, I brought home two hulahoops for us and I gave it a whirl, taking tips from the champ. And again and again I hooped it, because I can't sustain it for very long. And when I became a sweaty mess, huffing and puffing, and complaining all the while (even through the laughter)... I decided I am going to practice and BECOME the world's oldest and greatest hulahooper in my podunk town.

... because this is what a person does when she loses her mind and reverts to childhood. This is what a person does to take out stress, and because being a responsible grown-up just gets a little boring sometimes.

That's what's new here.